AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Easter Special: 'Here Comes Jesus Cottontail'
This one's all Michael's fault! He made me do it!
To explain: Michael asked if I would be so kind as to write the Easter episode of the show. I reminded him that I had written a book in which organized religions and their mythologies had been... let's say 'given a good ribbing.' He said he didn't care. A smarter man might have felt like maybe he was being set up. But I am not that smarter man! I agreed to write it.
I don't belong to any organized religion. So while I may think Jesus had some pretty good lessons to teach (or to misinterpret for your own personal gain), I don't believe in the more supernatural aspects of the story. I'm also not an atheist, so while I wasn't interested in writing a script about traditional Easter celebrations, I also wasn't interested in trying to demolish them.
Add to this the fact that Jesus is pretty hard to make fun of. Just ask Monty Python. There's a reason 'Jesus Christ: Lust for Glory' was changed to 'Life of Brian.' However much wickedness has been unleashed in His name, it's hard to get too pissed off at Him personally.
Plus there are all the weird Easter traditions that have grown up around the holiday which, when viewed as a celebration of Springtime and the planting of the harvest, make total sense - but when viewed as the story of Jesus seem completely bonkers.
So I made Jesus a bunny. I could preserve the concept of Easter as worthy of celebration, expose some of the myths around the Christ story as silly, and explain the weird traditions in a goofy way. Three birds, one stone.
And, y'know, it made me laugh.
When I turned in the script, Michael said he thought it was, "Strangely reverent." I consider that one of the finest reviews I've ever received.
Just for the record, Michael wasn't 'setting me up.' Michael knew EXACTLY what he was doing when he asked me to write this script. He is one of the nicest, most generous, most genuine people I know... but don't be fooled into thinking he's not also a conniving schemer!
Air Date: April 20, 2014
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Easter Special
“HERE COMES JESUS COTTONTAIL”
Written by:
David Hines
OPEN: SSL THEME
BRIAN
You’re listening to SideShow
Lounge, live on KRFYN Radio,
121.5 FM. I’m Brian Hanson,
along with Sam Wolf and Pontius
Pilates. I may not like you –
but dammit, I respect you.
[Theme music ends.]
PONCH
I’m Pontius Pilates. Call me “Ponch.”
SAM
And I’m Sam Wolf.
BRIAN
Well, gentlemen, it’s Easter! A time
of warmth and rebirth and confusing
symbolism. Oh, and ham. Oodles and
oodles of ham.
PONCH
I’ve never really understood Easter.
I mean, it’s about Jesus getting the
living crud knocked out of him and
then nailed to some wood and dying.
Do me a favor, if that ever happens
to me...
BRIAN
‘When.’
PONCH
... Fine - ‘when’ that happens to me
I don’t think I want people dressing
up and going to brunch every year to
celebrate.
BRIAN
It’s really not about the Passion
and the Crucifixion so much as the
Resurrection, Ponch. Jesus dying
is only the set-up – it’s his coming
back to life that’s the big M. Night
Shyamalan twist.
SAM
Okay, then explain how from all that
you end up with bunnies and eggs and
chocolate.
BRIAN
And ham.
SAM
And ham.
BRIAN
Delicious, delicious ham.
SAM & PONCH
I’ll take your word for it.
BRIAN
I don’t know how I suddenly became the
Easter expert, but there are a lot of
different theories...
[SFX: A HEAVENLY CHOIR.]
PONCH
What the hell...?
BRIAN
Where’s that bright light coming from...?
SAM
Wow, we REALLY need to dust this place...
[SFX: HEAVENLY CHOIR FADES OUT.]
PONCH
Was there just a power surge or
something?
SAM
Guys?
BRIAN
Everything seems fine. The equipment’s
all okay.
SAM
Guys?
PONCH
Did we just have a group stroke? The
brain kind, not the Boy Scout camp-out
kind.
SAM
GUYS?
BRIAN
What, Sam?
SAM
Why is there an adorable white bunny
rabbit sitting on the console?
PONCH
Was that here before?
BRIAN
Sam, did you get a bunny for a pet?
SAM
For the last time, I’m not LENNIE,
Brian.
BRIAN
All right, all right...
PONCH
Is he wearing some kind of tag? Maybe
he has a name...
JC
(strong, booming voice – interspersed with
nibbling sounds)
My name is Jesus Christ, my son.
[A BEAT.]
SAM
This is a joke, right? You’ve rigged
the bunny with a tiny speaker to
scare the Jew?
JC
No, Sam. This is no joke. I am Jesus.
BRIAN
But you’re a rabbit.
JC
I prefer ‘bunny.’ Sometimes when you
say ‘rabbit’ people hear ‘rabbi’ and
then it becomes this whole other
mishegas...
BRIAN
Okay – ‘bunny.’ So you’ve decided to
appear in the form of a bunny because
it’s Easter?
JC
I’m not in the FORM of a bunny, Brian.
I AM a bunny.
BRIAN
Jesus is a bunny.
JC
Yes.
BRIAN
Was always a bunny.
JC
Always.
BRIAN
The whole time.
JC
The whole time.
PONCH
Can I just break in here? I mean, I
don’t want to be THAT guy, but...
SERIOUSLY?
JC
How is my being a bunny any more or less
ridiculous than my being history’s cleanest
white hippie? And incidentally – ‘Pontius
Pilates?’ I don’t want to be THAT messiah,
but... SERIOUSLY?
PONCH
Aaahhh. Yeah, I hadn’t thought of that.
JC
You’ll understand if I don’t find
that as hilarious as you do. There’s
no ‘Kirby Caiaphas,’ or ‘Harry Herod’
or ‘Judas Jones’ anywhere around, is
there?
PONCH
No... although ‘Judas Jones’ would’ve
been a great name for a Blaxploitation
character in the 70’s.
JC
Ooooh, you’re right.
BRIAN
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but...
we have to take a commercial break.
Jesus, would you be willing to stick
around? I guarantee we have a million
questions for you.
JC
Oh, sure. No problem. It’s not like
anyone else needs my help or anything.
BRIAN
(nervous stammering)
I’m sorry... I just... I didn’t mean
to...
JC
(laughs)
I’m kidding! Take a break. Easter’s
actually a pretty light day – not like
Super Bowl Sunday. Sheesh! Between the
fans and the athletes I don’t get a
minutes rest.
BRIAN
(forced weak laugh)
Oh! Okay! So I didn’t actually just
piss off Jesus! Awesome! That’s
awesome.
(deep breath)
We’ll be right back.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
BRIAN
We’re back in the SideShow Lounge with,
well, Jesus.
JC
How’s it goin’?
PONCH
I have a practical question... well, as
practical as any question can be in this
situation, I guess. If you’ve always
been a bunny, how were you born?
JC
Actually, the Christmas story has a lot
of truth to it. Conceived by the Holy
Ghost... Mary and Joseph... Bethlehem...
the star... Three Wise Men – the whole bit.
PONCH
But that means Mary gave birth to...
JC
(laughs)
You should’ve SEEN Joseph’s face! Priceless!
He went from confusion, to horror, to relief
all in, like, three seconds!
SAM
Relief? But instead of a baby you were
a bunny!
JC
Exactly! Back then your wife giving birth
to a bunny was a WHOLE lot easier to sell
the guys at work than the whole ‘virgin birth’
thing. It was a different time. A different,
blessed time.
BRIAN
So you were born in the manger...
JC
No, we originally had a room at the inn.
They didn’t put us in the manger until
after I showed up. Strict ‘No Pet’ policy.
And my name wasn’t Jesus Christ, either.
Being a female, mom took one look at me
and named me ‘Nibbles McFluffytummy.’
PONCH
‘Nibbles Mc...’
JC
‘... Fluffytummy,’ right. Or the Aramaic
version of that. I was Nibbles for a long
time, but ultimately we had to change it
because ‘Nibbles McFluffytummy Our Lord
and Savior’ doesn’t move a lot of items
in the gift shop.
PONCH
Are you kidding? I’d buy that T-shirt.
JC
Yeah, well irony wasn’t very big in the
first century.
BRIAN
I’m still trying to wrap my head around
this. You’re a talking bunny, and when
you grew up you traveled around preaching
lessons of peace and tolerance and performing
miracles and everything? A talking bunny?
JC
You wanna know my biggest miracle? Not
getting eaten. I was a small, meaty
animal – it wasn’t like there was a ton
of food in the desert. In fact, John the
Baptist wasn’t really trying to baptize
me – he was trying to dunk me in a pot of
boiling water. It took some fast talking
to get me out of THAT one!
SAM
Did you do all those other miracles
they say you did?
JC
More or less. I mean, I didn’t walk
on water – it was more of a hop. And
the loaves and fishes thing was
actually lettuce and carrots. But –
I mean obviously – you can’t get hung
up on the details.
SAM
And the Sermon on the Mount? Did you
really say the meek shall inherit the
Earth?
JC
Yeah. Classic case of bunny wishful
thinking, I’m afraid.
PONCH
(eager)
What about Mary Magdalene? Is it true
she was a prostitute?
BRIAN
Nice, Ponch.
PONCH
It’s a legitimate question concerning an
ongoing theological debate!
(back to JC)
So? Huh? Was she?
JC
Well, if she was she drew the line at
bunnies, okay? You have to remember, a
bunch of men wrote the Bible at a time
when pretty much ALL women were considered
prostitutes.
SAM
I don’t understand – why did they change
you into a man in the Bible if that’s
not what you were?
JC
You have to understand why I was given
the form of a bunny in the first place.
Back then messiahs were a shekel a dozen.
Sons of God were EVERYWHERE, like Holy
cockroaches. A man preaching the gospel
was a common sight. A talking bunny on
the other hand...
BRIAN
And it worked?
JC
Oh, I don’t know, Brian. I like to think
I’ve maintained a small but loyal following
FOR THE PAST TWO THOUSAND YEARS.
BRIAN
Question withdrawn.
JC
But here’s the thing – a talking bunny is
a miracle when you SEE it, but it’s a
children’s story when you READ it. That’s
why the guys who wrote the Bible wrote me
as a man.
PONCH
That’s totally insane.
JC
That’s religion.
BRIAN
It’s time for another break, but when we
come back I want to talk about Easter –
we haven’t even discussed the crucifixion
yet.
JC
Yeah. Sounds like fun. Lots of good memories.
BRIAN
We’ll be right back.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
BRIAN
We’re back, ready to ask Jesus some
questions about Easter. So – Jerusalem!
THAT was a crazy week, huh?
JC
Look, I knew what had to happen, okay?
I’m not an idiot. No resurrection, no
proof I’m the Son of God. The problem
with resurrections are you have to die
first. And back then not too many people
passed away in their bed surrounded by
loved ones, y’know?
PONCH
In other words, it was gonna hurt.
JC
It was gonna hurt – a lot.
SAM
So you knew Judas was gonna betray you?
JC
I knew SOMEBODY was, but I didn’t know
exactly who. Except I probably should’ve
figured it out when Judas ordered rabbit
at the Last Supper.
BRIAN
And he betrayed you in the Garden of
Gethsemane while you were praying?
JC
Well, truth be told I wasn’t really
praying. I was eating. The plants in that
garden were scrumptious! But yeah, Judas
walks up, plants a big ol’ smooch on my
cheek and the next thing I know it’s trials
and beatings and I’m dragging a cross up
the Via Dolorosa. Which is especially hard
with no thumbs, by the way.
SAM
I’m sorry my people killed you, Mr. Jesus.
No hard feelings?
JC
Sam, please. For one thing, I’M Jewish,
remember?
PONCH
Funny, you don’t look—
JC
Don’t press your luck, PONTIUS.
PONCH
Proceed.
JC
For another thing, the Jews didn’t kill
me. Wanna know who killed me? The same
people who always kill anyone who speaks
out for peace and love – cowards.
SAM
So now we know why there’s an Easter
Bunny, but what’s the significance of
him bringing candies and chocolate?
JC
They’re delicious. What, you need a better
excuse? In fact – here.
[SFX: TINY FARTS FOLLOWED BY PEBBLES BEING DROPPED ON THE CONSOLE.]
PONCH
Did you just make bunny poops on the
console?
JC
Yeah. Try one.
PONCH
What?
JC
Eat one. Trust me.
PONCH
Oh-kaaay...
(eats one)
You’ve got to be kidding.
BRIAN
What are they?
PONCH
They’re actually chocolate-covered
raisins!
JC
Water into wine, loaves and fishes,
feeding the multitudes – give me SOME
credit, man.
SAM
Can you make mine come out Tootsie Rolls?
Or wait, wait – Baby Ruths! I love Baby
Ruths!
JC
(laughs)
Maybe another time. I’ve gotta go. If I’m
down here too long without calling in it
triggers the Rapture.
PONCH
So the Rapture’s actually a thing?
JC
Sure. I wouldn’t be too worried. It’s
kind of like the Cold War – mutually
assured destruction. Only psychos living
in bunkers and Christians with an
inflated sense of self-worth really want
that.
BRIAN
And yet another sentence I never thought
I’d hear myself saying: We’d like to
thank Jesus Christ for stopping by the
studio tonight.
JC
Hey, we’re friends now – you can call me
Nibbles. Sam, I’ll see you later. Brian,
Ponch – it’s been interesting.
[SFX: HEAVENLY CHOIR RISES AND FADES OUT.]
PONCH
Uh... ‘interesting?’ That didn’t sound
good.
BRIAN
No, it really didn’t.
SAM
Whaddaya mean? I thought it sounded
great – hanging out with Nibbles and
pooping Baby Ruths!
BRIAN
I think it’s time to sign off. There
might be some heavy-duty repenting
to do.
PONCH
Yeah, I think I might just tag along
if you don’t mind.
BRIAN
From the SideShow Lounge, I’m Brian
Hanson...
PONCH
I’m Pontius Pilates...
SAM
And I’m Sam Wolf.
ALL
Happy Easter and goodnight!
[ENDING & OUTRO.]