:CHAPTER SIX:

 

    Four massive bong hits later, Danny and Walter were still sitting at the dining room table. It had been ten minutes since either of them had spoken. Unless you count Walter croaking, “I need to buy new screens,” with a lungful of smoke.

 

    Danny broke the silence. “What’s the first step?”

 

    Walter thought a second, eyes brightening. “Pen and paper!” he exclaimed, jumping up and rummaging through one of the many piles of debris in the living room. He returned a moment later with an envelope and a crayon. Close enough.   

 

    “Okay. What’s the second step?” Danny asked.

 

    “We need an angle,” Walter announced, plopping back down in his chair.

 

    Danny nodded. “One thing I was thinking is that most religions are based on negative reinforcement. You know, all that ‘Thou Shalt Not’ stuff. I think we should base ours on positive reinforcement.”

 

    “’Thou Shalt’ stuff,” Walter muttered.

 

    “Exactly. Who are we to tell anyone what not to do? Right away we’re hypocrites.”

 

    “We’ve probably already done most of the shit we’d be telling people to stay away from,” Walter said, taking a big drag off the bong to illustrate his point. Well, he didn’t really do it to illustrate his point, he did it because his buzz was starting to fade.

 

    “On the other hand, who are we to tell people what they can do?” Danny mused. “That seems kind of hypocritical, too.”

 

    Walter exhaled a cloud of smoke. “We don’t tell them anything. We suggest.”

 

    “They have the Ten Commandments, we have the Ten Suggestions?”

 

    “Where have you been? The past couple hundred years the Ten Commandments have become the Ten Suggestions,” Walter laughed. “We suggest things they can do to help their fellow man, rather than things they can do to not piss off god.”

 

    “That’s not bad. It’d give us some guidelines, let people know where we’re coming from,” Danny said, crayon poised over envelope. “The Ten Commandments are basically a cheat sheet for people too lazy to read the whole Bible anyway.”

 

    “Cool. So – the Ten Suggestions,” Walter nodded.

 

    “’Suggestions’ is too wimpy. What about…” Danny frowned, looking for the right word, “… the Ten Encouragements.”

 

    “That’s not too wimpy?”

 

    “But it’s a new age-y kind of wimpy. What would be first?”

 

    Danny and Walter thought a moment. “Try to be a decent person?” Walter finally shrugged.

 

    “Okay. But it’s got to be catchy. Everyone knows they’re supposed to be a decent person. We have to make it sound more like a slogan.”

 

    “Like a bumper sticker you’d see on a Prius,” Walter said, taking another bong hit.

 

    “Exactly. We could say something like… ‘Pursue Goodness.’”

 

    Walter laughed, spewing a cloud of smoke over Danny. “Oh man, that’s perfect.”

 

    Danny jotted down the first Encouragement. “What else?”

 

    “How about ‘Don’t bitch and complain all the time.’ Everyone’s always pissing and moaning about stupid shit,” Walter said.

 

    “’Project Positivity,’” Danny muttered as he wrote.

 

    Walter cackled. “And people should quit being such judgmental assholes all the time.”

 

    “’Accept Others,’” Danny nodded. “That’s three.”

 

    They sat quietly, thinking. “How about ‘Don’t Act Like a Douche?’” Walter suggested. “I’d buy that bumper sticker.”

 

    “You don’t drive a Prius,” Danny reminded him. “What about ‘Do No Harm?’”

 

    “God, this is better than Pictionary,” Walter laughed. “What else?”

 

    “Well, there’s my personal favorite – don’t go around trying to inflict your religious beliefs on everyone else.”

 

    “Okay, okay – let me try this one,” Walter said. “It could be… ‘Hold Your Faith to Be Your Own!’”

 

    “That’s actually not bad.”

 

    “I’m not just another pretty face,” Walter grinned. “How many is that?”

 

    “Uh, five. We’re halfway there.”

 

    “We should probably put something about doing stuff for other people,” Walter said, rolling his eyes.

 

    “That could be ‘Achieve Generosity,’” Danny said, jotting it down. “Six.”

 

    “One thing I hate is when religions get all uptight about sex. We should have something about sex being okay – any position, multiple partners, unusual outfits…” As Walter spoke a huge grin spread over Danny’s face. Walter stopped. “What?” he asked.

 

    “’Become Loving,’” Danny smirked proudly.

 

    “Nice!”

 

    “Seven.”

 

    “How about ‘Don’t Talk Shit,’” Walter said.

 

    “’Speak Well,’” Danny wrote. “Eight. Two more.”

 

    “Maybe we should say something about those people who just sit around on their asses and never do anything and then complain when shit goes wrong,” Walter said.

 

    “That could be… ‘Actively Contribute,’” Danny chuckled. “That’s nine. One more.”

 

    “It’s gotta be a big one. Go out with a bang,” Walter suggested.

 

    “Something about becoming a better person. Existing on a higher spiritual plane…”

 

    “Pulling your head out of your ass once in awhile…” Walter agreed.

 

    They thought about it, Danny’s eyes finally lighting up. “’Transcend Yourself!’” he shouted victoriously.

 

    Walter burst out laughing, clapping his hands. “Perfect! That’s perfect! They’re gonna put that bumper sticker on every Prius as standard equipment!”

 

    “That’s ten,” Danny said proudly, holding up the crayon-smudged envelope as though it were a stone tablet.

 

    “We can even say god spoke to us through a burning bush,” Walter said, taking another monster hit off the bong.