AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Episode 09: "All in the Family Ties"
It's Halloween! And the guys welcome a member of one of the biggest groups of the 1960's - The Manson Family! Hopefully he won't play all their greatest hits.
Script; 'Grimsby Bros. Funeral Home'; 'Grimsby Bros. Halloween Warehouse'; 'Captain Scurvey's Waterpark PSA'; 'Satan Datin' written by: David Hines
Episode 12: "ARGH"
The guys think their studio is haunted by the ghosts of 70's 'Morning Zoo' deejays, and bring in the Arfyne Regional Ghost Hunters to drive the spirits out. Because seriously. The ghosts of 70's 'Morning Zoo' deejays? What could POSSIBLY be scarier than that?
Script written by: David Hines
'Sofa's Choice'; 'Donkey Punch'; 'Razor Strap Squaredance'; 'Whores PSA' written by: Michael Wolf
Episode 15: "DUN-DUN- DUNNNNNNN"
Brian meets the 'World's Most Powerful Psychic' while sugar-drunk at Circus Hepatitis and brings him on the show. Will he reveal the gang's deepest darkest secrets? (Hint: Everybody cries.)
Script; 'Misty Dew'; '911 PSA' written by: David Hines
'Meat in the Box'; 'Canada' written by Michael Wolf
Episode 17: "Holiest of Holies"
A lesser god (small 'g') visits the studio, which turns out to be one of the holiest places on Earth. Well, if you're the 'God of Farts,' anyway. A rip-roarin' good time!
Script written by: David Hines
'Grave Danger'; 'Gorgat!'; 'Don Weenow's Gay Apparel'; 'Sasquatch PSA' written by: Michael Wolf
Episode 20: "Mr. Nips"
Arfyne City is trying to raise funds to open a zoo! So far they've got rats, possums, garter snakes, a Tijuana donkey (with zebra paint job) and Mr. Nips - a monkey with revenge on his mind and feces in his throwing hand.
Script written by: David Hines
'Ponch & the Whore'; 'Indiana Joe's Danger Island Fun Center'; 'Bundle Snug'; 'Sun PSA' written by: Michael Wolf
Super Bowl Ad: "Gridiron Grille"
Looking for a place to watch the big game with a genuine NFL 'legend?' Head on down to Moose Swiznieak's 'Gridiron Grille,' where former NFL great and current star of the government's report on concussions will wander from table to table... and then outside... and then back inside... and then into the kitchen... and then back to your table!
Script written by: David Hines
Valentine's Day Special: "Stupid Cupid"
Love is in the air - as are terrifying arrows as Cupid his own damn self visits the studio to teach the boys a lesson about love. And ducking.
Script written by: David Hines
'Facet Bros. Diamonds'; 'Miss Chocolate's House of Whore Candy'; 'Love Trots'; 'Date Posh PSA' written by: Michael Wolf
Episode 25: "Fair to Middling"
It's that time again! The Arfyne City Fair is in town, and the boys are looking forward to riding the rides, eating the food and throwing up the throw up! Because America!
Script written by: David Hines
'Self-Poke Hotel'; 'Meat Mops'; 'Tumbleweed Town'; 'Vampire PSA' written by Michael Wolf
Episode 28: "Little Bastards"
Merton 'Croaky' Felton, the last surviving member of the 'Little Bastards' - the ragtag ragamuffins who lit up movie screens in the 1930's with their polio-hobbled antics - visits the studio to talk about his co-stars, being a child actor, and swallowing iron fillings to make his voice raspy. It was a different time. A different, terrible time.
Script written by: David Hines
'Bisolo'; 'Fletcher's Hats & Caps'; 'Marcella the Spoon'; 'Farnisockin' written by: Michael Wolf
Easter Special: "Here Comes Jesus Cottontail"
The most important guest in the history of the show arrives to discuss the truth behind all those crazy Easter myths - like bunnies, colored eggs, and horrible painful excruciating death at the hands of torturers. Oh! And chocolates!
Script written by: David Hines
'Shell Shockers'; 'Manny's Ham N' Eggs'; 'Personal Jesus'; 'Egg Hunt' written by: Michael Wolf
Episode 30: "America"
America stops by the studio to make an announcement of national importance... and also to talk shit about other countries. I don't think he and Mexico are as close as he thinks.
Script written by: David Hines
'Commodore Thundernuts - The Movie'; 'Captain Corky Saltcork's Fish Chili'; 'Beef Loops'; 'Air PSA' written by: Michael Wolf
Episode 33: "Shittin' Johnny"
Sam learns all about his famous ancestor, Civil War hero Shittin' Johnny Wink! They've even uncovered a rare 78 rpm recording of a song written about Shittin' Johnny's exploits!
Script; 'Itchy McNipples Used Sweater Warehouse'; 'Vigora' written by: David Hines
'More!'; 'Hemp Festival' written by Michael Wolf
'The Ballad of Shittin' Johnny Wink' Music by: Steve Grieger Lyrics by David Hines & Steve Grieger
Episode 38: "Area 52"
Brian and Ponch stumble into Area 52 - which is one more than Area 51, and at the same time so much less. But still! They find out how toothpaste is made! (Spoiler Alert: Stop brushing your teeth. Immediately.)
Script written by: David Hines
Episode 41: "Mobbed"
Living in a medieval castle owned by a hunchback has its benefits... and its disadvantages. Benefit: Cool echoes! Disadvantage: Angry mobs with torches and pitchforks. But their yelling and screaming sounds real cool and echoey!
Script written by: David Hines
Special Episode: "The Envelope Please"
It's everyone's dream to win an Oscar. Literally. As this episode proves beyond a shadow of a doubt. So put on your nicest outfit and walk the red carpet toward our most glamorous episode yet! (Yes, I'm aware that's not saying much.)
Script written by: David Hines
Episode 44: "Speed Dating Night in the Garden of Good and Evil"
Brian's divorce is making him sad, so Ponch thinks taking him to speed dating night at a local convent/microbrewery will be just the thing to snap him out of his funk. Uh... no.
Script written by: David Hines
Episode 47: "STRAVINSKY!"
Action has a new name, and that name is... STRAVINSKY! Hey, you guys accepted 'Schwarzenegger' for years and years - 'Stravinsky' shouldn't be that big a leap.
Script written by: David Hines
Episode 50: "Hop On Ponch"
Characters from children's books have come to life and taken over the castle. And if you don't think that sounds terrifying, just imagine an army of pissed-off Oompah-Loompahs released from slavery and out for revenge.
Script written by: David Hines
Halloween 2014: "Chilling Tales of Horror"
Trapped in a room (by Igor), Brian, Ponch and Sam are forced (by Igor) to each tell a scary story in order to earn their freedom. Now read that again, and where it says 'by Igor' read it like it's the 'by Mennen' jingle. And now it's in your head. Mwah-hah-hah-hah-hah!!!
Script written by: David Hines
Episode 53: "No Opinion"
Have you ever felt sorry for a telemarketer? I didn't think so. Well, meet Shiela - it's her first day on the job and her very first call is to Igor's Castle. Get ready to pity a telemarketer for the first time in your life.
Script written by: David Hines
Episode 57: "Game Night"
It's time to kick back, relax and enjoy a night of fun games, good conversation, and squid-flavored popcorn. Don't knock it 'till you've tried it. THEN knock it.
Script written by: David Hines
Episode 58: "Killing Time"
What do you do when there're no monsters to fight, there's no time traveling to do and no one's trying to cheat, humiliate or kill anyone else? Yeah, the guys don't know, either.
Script written by: David Hines
