AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
'Reunion'
A Play In One-Act By: David Hines
A sparse setting. Just a table containing a punch bowl, some plastic cups and a tray of nasty-looking appetizers. Oh – and a banner hanging overhead reading, ‘HAPPY REUNION CLASS OF‘76.’ STAR stands at the table, cup of punch in hand and a bored expression on her face. In her late forties, Star has the whole Earth Mother, hippie, tie-dyed clothing thing down to a science. Sighing, she talks to herself.
STAR
Why am I here? Every ten years I
get the invite in the mail, every
ten years I convince myself it’ll
be fun, and every ten years I’m
wrong. I guess my guidance
counselor was right about that
‘slow learner’ stuff.
Star takes a drink as another woman steps to the table. This is JOYCE, and she’s Star’s exact opposite. Perfectly manicured, impeccably dressed - she’s so meticulously put together that even the stick up her ass is probably the finest carved mahogany. Joyce ladles punch into a cup, the women sizing each other up out of the corner of their eyes. An awkward, silent moment, until...
JOYCE
Excuse me - are you Star
Wasserstein?
STAR
Yes.
Joyce smiles brightly.
JOYCE
I thought so! I’m Joyce Havermeyer!
Remember me?
Star nods happily.
STAR
Of course! It’s great to see you!
How have you been?
JOYCE
Great, great! Except it’s not
really Joyce Havermeyer anymore.
It’s Joyce Sanderson.
STAR
That’s great! How long have you
been married?
JOYCE
It’ll be fourteen years this
November.
STAR
That’s great!
JOYCE
It is great!
STAR
Any kids?
JOYCE
Three. Two boys and a girl. Ten,
eight and four.
STAR
They sound great!
JOYCE
They are great! How about you?
Husband? Kids?
STAR
No, no. I’m not the marrying type.
Too career oriented.
JOYCE
Really? That sounds great. What do
you do?
STAR
I weave clothing out of hemp.
JOYCE
Hemp! Wow. Great! Is there money in
hemp?
STAR
Not really.
JOYCE
Great.
STAR
What do you do?
JOYCE
I sell real estate.
STAR
Real estate! Wow. Great! Now that’s
where the money is.
JOYCE
I was top salesperson in the entire
southwest region three years running.
STAR
Great!
JOYCE
Great!
The conversation peters out. Star and Joyce each take a sip of their drinks. They catch each other’s eye, smile, and take another drink. Star finally breaks the silence.
STAR
I have a confession to make.
JOYCE
Yes?
STAR
In high school?
JOYCE
Yes?
STAR
I totally hated your fucking guts.
Joyce gasps... then squeals happily.
JOYCE
Oh my God! I totally hated your
fucking guts, too!
STAR
Really?
JOYCE
Yes!
They laugh and embrace. Joyce steps back, speaking excitedly.
JOYCE (CONT'D)
Do you remember in junior year when
there was that rumor you went down
on the entire offensive line of the
J.V. football team?
STAR
Yeah?
JOYCE
That was me!
STAR
You’re kidding!
JOYCE
No! I totally started it!
STAR
You’re such a bitch!
JOYCE
I know!
They laugh at the memories.
STAR
You know that time you got suspended
because someone planted a baggie of pot
in your gym locker?
JOYCE
Uh-huh?
STAR
Yours truly!
JOYCE
You whore!
STAR
Of course!
More laughter.
JOYCE
Okay, how about when you were going
out with Michael Hunsacker?
STAR
We broke up because he cheated on me.
JOYCE
With?
STAR
You?
Joyce blows on her knuckles, polishing them proudly on the lapel of her suit. Star gives her a playful shove.
STAR (CONT'D)
Get outta here!
JOYCE
How’d you find out he cheated?
STAR
He gave me chlamydia.
JOYCE
Which I gave to him!
The women roar with laughter, embracing once again.
STAR
It’s like we’re sisters!
They separate, laughter gradually tapering off until both women let out a simultaneous satisfied sigh.
JOYCE
Can I show you something?
STAR
What?
JOYCE
Something I brought to the reunion.
I bought it special just for tonight.
STAR
What is it?
JOYCE
A gun.
STAR
No way!
JOYCE
Totally way.
STAR
Where is it?
JOYCE
In my purse.
STAR
Can I see?
JOYCE
Sure.
Joyce looks around to make sure the coast is clear before opening her purse and removing a small pistol.
STAR
That’s adorable!
JOYCE
It was the cutest one.
STAR
Oooh! Do they come in pink?
JOYCE
I don’t think so.
STAR
Too bad.
JOYCE
I know.
Joyce puts the pistol back in her purse. A beat.
STAR
Joyce?
JOYCE
Yes?
STAR
Why did you bring a gun to the
reunion?
JOYCE
I’m thinking about killing some
people.
STAR
Wow. Great. Why?
JOYCE
Remember how I told you my name was
Sanderson?
STAR
Yeah.
JOYCE
And I was top real estate
salesperson in the entire southwest
region three years running?
STAR
Uh-huh.
JOYCE
I lied.
STAR
Oh, Joyce.
JOYCE
Well, I didn’t totally lie. My name
used to be Sanderson, until my
divorce. I had three kids, until my
husband was awarded custody. And I
was top salesperson in the entire
southwest region three years
running, until I started smoking
crack the fourth year.
STAR
Do you have any?
JOYCE
What?
STAR
Crack.
JOYCE
No.
STAR
Damn. Anyway...
JOYCE
Anyway, my life’s completely fallen
apart, I’m living in my car, I’ve
progressed to heroin and now I want
to kill some people.
Star nods thoughtfully.
STAR
I’m so sorry to hear that. Do you
have any?
JOYCE
What?
STAR
Heroin.
JOYCE
No.
STAR
Damn. So do you know who you want
to kill?
JOYCE
Well, when I came here I wanted to
kill you, but now that we’ve talked
it doesn’t seem right.
STAR
It might be a little awkward.
JOYCE
A little.
STAR
So who else?
JOYCE
I don’t know. Got any ideas?
They both look around, scanning the room for candidates.
STAR
What about Teddy Johnson?
JOYCE
Why him?
STAR
Senior year he got me drunk, we had
sex in the backseat of his car,
then he stole my panties and tied
them to his antenna.
JOYCE
But why should I kill him?
STAR
He’s a jerk?
JOYCE
Yeah, but he’s your jerk.
STAR
True.
JOYCE
I’ll lend you my gun if you want to
kill him.
Joyce opens her purse, Star stopping her before she can pull out her gun.
STAR
No, no! Now that I think of it, I
kinda got even with him already.
JOYCE
How?
STAR
I gave him chlamydia.
JOYCE
Right!
STAR
So I’m good.
They scan the reunion again.
JOYCE
Wait!
STAR
What?
JOYCE
I’ve got it!
STAR
Who?
JOYCE
It’s perfect!
STAR
Yeah?
JOYCE
Someone we can both agree on!
STAR
Sweet!
JOYCE
You already know who I’m going to
say.
STAR
I do?
JOYCE
Think about it.
STAR
Okay.
JOYCE
Who would we both like to shoot?
Star’s eyes go wide with the realization. They speak in unison.
STAR & JOYCE
Michael Hunsacker!
They giggle, embracing each other and jumping up and down happily.
STAR
Genius!
JOYCE
I know!
STAR
That cheating bastard!
JOYCE
I could shoot him in the nuts!
STAR
You could!
JOYCE
Right in the nuts! Pow!
STAR
Pow!
JOYCE
Have you seen him?
STAR
Michael?
JOYCE
Yeah.
STAR
I think I saw him talking to Nick
Andrews over near the ice sculpture.
They both look off to the right.
JOYCE
You’re right. There he is.
STAR
Right over there.
JOYCE
He got fat.
STAR
And bald.
JOYCE
And what’s with that coat?
STAR
Plus I hear he has chlamydia.
JOYCE
This’ll be a mercy killing.
STAR
You’re actually a humanitarian.
JOYCE
I am, aren’t I?
STAR
You’re a hero. An American hero.
JOYCE
A patriot. Like Mel Gibson in that
movie.
STAR
What movie?
JOYCE
The one where he plays a patriot. I
don’t remember the title.
STAR
I don’t think I saw it.
JOYCE
It was good.
STAR
It sounds good.
The conversation trails off again. Joyce stares across the room at Michael Hunsacker thoughtfully. Star takes another swig of punch.
STAR (CONT'D)
So. You gonna kill him or what?
JOYCE
You think I should?
STAR
Absolutely!
JOYCE
Will it really solve anything?
STAR
You won’t be living in your car
anymore.
JOYCE
Good point.
STAR
Thank you.
JOYCE
Do you think I should kill myself
afterwards?
STAR
Like a murder/suicide kinda deal?
JOYCE
Yeah.
STAR
No way!
JOYCE
How come?
STAR
Then it looks like it was some
lovers spat or something. Like you
can’t live with him, but can’t go
on without him.
JOYCE
Gross.
STAR
Definitely.
JOYCE
So just him.
STAR
Yup.
JOYCE
Now that I’m here, I don’t know if
I can do it.
STAR
Of course you can! Look at you!
You’re a strong, independent,
successful woman. Before the crack,
anyway. You should do this for all
the women who had their boyfriend
cheat on them in high school.
Joyce stands up straight, pulling the gun from her purse.
JOYCE
You’re right. I can do this. This
is who I am! This is what I’m
feeling! This is my moment to
shine! Will you hold my purse?
STAR
No.
JOYCE
Why?
STAR
Accessory.
JOYCE
Oh, right. Well, wish me luck.
STAR
Good luck!
Joyce stalks offstage, Star calling after her encouragingly.
STAR (CONT'D)
Go get ‘em, sister! And remember -
if you happen to hit Teddy Johnson,
no big deal!
Star turns back to the punch bowl, refilling her cup.
STAR (CONT'D)
Whaddaya know. This turned out to
be a pretty good reunion after all.
Star flinches as a loud GUNSHOT rings out offstage. She cranes her neck for a better view.
STAR (CONT’D)
Oooooh! I hope she makes parole in time
for our fortieth.
She takes a sip as the lights FADE DOWN TO BLACK.