AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Ep. 09: 'All in the Family Ties'
This was my audition script. When Michael contacted me about possibly contributing to SideShow Lounge I took it upon myself to write an audition script for a few reasons. First, I wanted to see if I could do it. Second, I wanted to see if I enjoyed doing it. And third, I thought it was only fair to give Michael an example of my style to give him a chance to judge whether I'd be a good fit or not. Turns out I felt I could do it, and I enjoyed doing it, and Michael either thought I'd be a good addition to the team or was so exhausted that he simply couldn't afford to be choosy.
I chose to do a script revolving around the Manson Family because I'd just done a bunch of research on them for a possible book project. I was struck by how such a terrifying mythology had been built up around Manson and his followers, despite them being a bunch of clownish idiots who never managed to accomplish a single one of their ridiculous goals. There's a black comedy aspect to the Manson Family I felt hadn't been sufficiently explored. There's only one problem with treating the story as comedy... the one thing they did succeed in doing was kill a bunch of innocent people. Every time I thought I'd discovered a way to make the story work, I found I kept tripping over those bodies on the floor.
But shit, man. I'd done a TON of research. I had to use it somehow. So meet Edward Gilman - Manson Family name 'Stinky.' I figured if Michael was willing to use this script, we were on the same wavelength.
To his credit and for his sins, we were.
Air Date: October 27, 2013.
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Episode #09
“All in the Family Ties”
Written by:
David Hines
OPEN: SSL THEME
BRIAN
You’re listening to SideShow
Lounge, live on KRFYN Radio,
121.5 FM. I’m Brian Hanson,
along with Sam Wolf and Pontius
Pilates. And tonight we’re
welcoming a very exciting ‘mystery
guest’ to the show.
[Theme music ends.]
SAM
I’m Sam Wolf.
PONCH
And I’m Pontius Pilates. Call me
'Ponch.'
SAM
So, what’s with this big ‘mystery
guest’ you refuse to even tell us
about?
BRIAN
I’m very excited! You know how you
guys have been telling me we should
try and get some big celebrities on
the show?
PONCH
As opposed to ‘local celebrities.’
Also known as ‘not celebrities.’
BRIAN
Exactly! Well, I found a local celebrity
who is also a national celebrity!
SAM
That doesn’t sound possible.
BRIAN
Au contraire, mon frère! Gentlemen,
allow me to introduce Edward Gilman.
EDWARD SPEAKS IN A CALM, EVEN VOICE.
EDWARD
Hello.
PONCH
Hey.
SAM
Hiya.
BRIAN
(proudly)
Edward was a member of one of the
biggest groups of the sixties and
seventies!
PONCH & SAM
(excited)
Oh!
BRIAN
Edward was a member of the Manson
Family!
[SFX: TWO CHAIRS SCRAPING BACKWARD ACROSS FLOOR]
PONCH & SAM
(shocked)
Oh!!!
EDWARD
(chuckling)
I get that all the time. It’s okay –
like Brian said, I ‘was’ a member of
the Family.
[SFX: TWO CHAIRS BEING RELUCTANTLY SCRAPED BACK TO THE CONSOLE.]
SAM
Uh... okay.
PONCH
So – let me just make sure I’m clear
on this – you were a member of Charles
Manson’s Family. The dirty filthy
hippies responsible for the Tate/LaBianca
murders?
EDWARD
Ugh! That’s all anyone remembers. We
were more than just your typical one-
hit wonders. It’s not like we were
Chumbawumba.
SAM
Yeah, they were awful.
BRIAN
So, Edward – there are so many questions
I’m dying...
PONCH AND SAM INTERRUPT WITH A COUGH.
BRIAN (cont.)
... fascinated to ask you. All the members
of the Family had a number of aliases,
or nicknames. There was ‘Sadie Mae Glutz’
and ‘Tex’ Watson and ‘Clem Scramblehead.’
Did you have a nickname?
EDWARD
I sure did, Brian. They used to call
me ‘Stinky.’
PONCH
The Manson Family nicknamed you ‘Stinky?’
SAM
Good God.
EDWARD
Well, I used to have a glandular condition
which...
BRIAN
(cuts in)
So what was Charlie like?
EDWARD
I thought Charlie was Jesus Christ.
PONCH
The Jesus Christ?
EDWARD
(chuckling)
I know that sounds silly to you. It
sounds silly to me, too. Now. But you
have to remember it was a different
time. Everyone was looking for peace
and love and enlightenment. Plus we
took a lot of LSD.
SAM
Cool.
BRIAN
And even though you thought Charlie
was Jesus Christ, you didn’t know
anything about the murders when they
were happening, right?
EDWARD
Oh, no – I totally knew about them.
[SFX: THREE CHAIRS SCRAPING BACKWARD ACROSS FLOOR]
BRIAN
You did?
EDWARD
Of course! We all did!
PONCH
I’m guessing there was no pre-interview
conducted with this guest...
EDWARD
In fact, that first night – the Tate
murders? – Charlie and I went back
after they were done to check it out.
SAM
My stomach feels funny...
BRIAN
(horrified)
You went back to the house where...
EDWARD
It was a sight I’ll never forget. We
stepped through that front door and I
was instantly mesmerized. It was like,
all over the walls there was... the
most amazing artwork I’ve ever seen.
PONCH
I’m sorry, there was the what now?
EDWARD
Paintings like I’d never seen before.
Abstract and impressionistic. And the
use of colors! The blues and yellows
and reds... of course I couldn’t tell
how much of the reds were paint and...
BRIAN
But... there were... people... all over
the place...
EDWARD
Yeah, you had to be careful where you
stepped. I had Charlie take a picture
of me while we were there. It’s horrifying.
(laughs good-naturedly)
I can’t believe my hair was ever that
long.
BRIAN
And the next night? The LaBianca’s...?
EDWARD
Oh sure. Their artwork wasn’t as nice.
Mostly sad clowns. Creepy, right?
SAM
(on verge of tears)
Uh-huh.
BRIAN
So the whole ‘Helter Skelter’ thing, the
whole idea that these murders would start
a race war between whites and blacks that
would result in Armageddon...
EDWARD
(nostalgically)
Yeah. That never really caught on the
way we’d hoped.
BRIAN
Let’s, uh, let’s change the subject...
PONCH
TO WHAT?
BRIAN
(grasping at straws)
So... what’ve you been doing since, y’know,
then?
EDWARD
Well, after the trial I kind of knocked
around for a while. Finally I decided that
instead of working outside the system I
could affect more change from the inside.
So I went to a doctor, got my gland condition
taken care of and the ‘X’ removed from my
forehead and have been living an honest
and productive life ever since.
PONCH
Can I ask... and I know I’m going to regret
this... what you’re doing now? Here? Living
in our town? Freely walking the streets?
EDWARD
I’m a Deacon at my local church.
SAM
Does anybody else feel hot?
EDWARD
When I was with Charlie I believed in pure
love, of sacrificing myself to a higher
power so all mankind could live together
in pursuit of total enlightenment.
BRIAN
And now?
EDWARD
Now I believe in the teachings of the
church, that we should give ourselves
over to God so everyone can work in
unity to achieve harmony with the universe.
PONCH
The difference being...?
EDWARD
I’m less stabby now.
GENERAL MUBLINGS FROM THE GROUP.
BRIAN
Oh, okay...
PONCH
Less stabby is good...
SAM
Seriously, is anyone else sweating...?
[SFX: DOOR OPENING]
IGOR
Sorry to interrupt, but I thought you
should know the switchboard is flooded
with... ‘STINKY?!?’
EDWARD
Oh my...! Igor? Is that really you?
PONCH
Oh dear Lord.
BRIAN
Do... do you two know each other?
EDWARD
We were in the Family together! Charlie
used to call him ‘Maniac!’
BRIAN
The Manson Family called Igor ‘Maniac?’
EDWARD
Oh, yeah! He was totally nuts! We were
terrified of him!
SAM
My vision’s getting blurry...
EDWARD
We should hit the town! Raise some hell
for old-time’s sake!
IGOR
Paint the town red!
EDWARD AND IGOR LAUGH AND GET REAQUAINTED AS BRIAN SPEAKS QUICKLY.
BRIAN
I think that’s gonna do it for this episode
of SideShow Lounge. We’ll be back next week
with... I don’t know... the Queen of the
Kumquat Festival, or some kid with a giant
ball of chewing gum. Some local, no-name,
no-past celebrity. Sound good, guys?
PONCH
Sounds good, Brian. Sounds real good.
SAM
Does anyone else smell burning toast...?
ALL
Goodnight!
[END & OUTRO]
