AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Episode 09: 'Grimsby Bros.
Funeral Home'/'Grimsby
Bros. Halloween Warehouse'
Ah, the Grimsby Brothers! Inheritors of their father's funeral home business, which they've driven deeper into the ground than their clients. What do you do when creditors are hot on your trail and the law isn't far behind? Innovate!
These two scripts were designed as a running joke - with the funeral home ad acting as the set-up, and the Halloween warehouse ad as the punchline. A dark, dark punchline.
Air Date: October 27, 2013
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Episode #09
“Grimsby Funeral Home Ad”
Written by:
David Hines
OPEN: SUBDUED AND RELAXING ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS THROUGHOUT.
GRIMSBY BROTHER #1
Announcing the Grimsby Brothers
Funeral Home ‘Bring Out Your Dead’
Sale!
GRIMSBY BROTHER #2
Due to a certain lack of organizational
oversight, Grimsby Brothers has been
required by the National Organization
of Mortuary Owners and local law
enforcement to pay a series of crippling
fines.
GRIMSBY BROTHER #1
But our loss is your gain!
(solemnly)
Though we are very sorry for your loss.
GRIMSBY BROTHER #2
We’re offering deals so good you’ll
wish you were dead! Like...
GRIMSBY BROTHER #1
Half-off all hair and make-up! We’ll make
your loved one look like a star! Probably
Joan Rivers.
GRIMSBY BROTHER #2
The correct name on the headstone or
the eulogy is free!
GRIMSBY BROTHER #1
All caskets half-off – lids available
for a small extra fee.
GRIMSBY BROTHER #2
The correct name in the eulogy or the
headstone is free!
GRIMSBY BROTHER #1
In compliance with a recent court
order, our viewing room is now 100%
vermin free! No more annoying flies,
scampering rats or pesky coyotes!
GRIMSBY BROTHER #2
And our crematorium is up and running –
no more microwaving!
GRIMSBY BROTHER #1
So come on down to Grimsby Brothers
Funeral Home to take advantage of our
brush with the law!
GRIMSBY BROTHER #2
Grimsby Brothers Funeral Home – deals
you’ll die for! Please.
ORGAN MUSIC FADES OUT. END.
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Episode #09
“Grimsby Halloween Warehouse Ad”
Written by:
David Hines
OPEN: CREEPY, GOTHIC ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS THROUGHOUT.
(NOTE: ALL SFX SHOULD COME FROM OLD, CLASSIC, FAMILIAR HALLOWEEN SOUND EFFECTS RECORDS.)
GRIMSBY BROTHER #1
Announcing the grand opening of the
Grimsby Brothers Halloween Warehouse
and Spooktorium!
(SFX: CREAKY DOOR)
GRIMSBY BROTHER #2
Located at the former site of the
Grimsby Brothers Funeral Home, we
have everything you need to turn
your home into the scariest haunted
house on the block!
GRIMSBY BROTHER #1
Complete make-up kits! Turn yourself
into a ghoul! A Dracula! Joan Rivers!
(SFX: SCREAM)
GRIMSBY BROTHER #2
Dozens of headstones! Shovels! Caskets!
Every lucky third casket contains an
actual zombie!
GRIMSBY BROTHER #1
(flat and quick – a disclaimer)
Zombies will not rise from the dead,
re-animate or eat brains. Zombies
should be disposed of after Halloween
to avoid spread of disease.
(SFX: GHOST MOANING)
GRIMSBY BROTHER #2
Turn your garage into a mad scientist’s
laboratory with...
(SFX: VOICE ECHO)
GRIMSBY BROTHER #2 (cont.)
... Dr. Frankenstein’s embalming
machine!
(SFX: THUNDER AND LIGHTNING)
GRIMSBY BROTHER #1
Specials on candy! Apples! Rat poison!
Razor blades!
GRIMSBY BROTHER #2
Urns of special haunted house dust!
GRIMSBY BROTHER #1
(scary voice)
Feb-reeeeeeeeeze!
(SFX: WOOD CREAKING)
GRIMSBY BROTHER #2
Bring the whole family! We even have free
sca-a-a-a-ry business cards for the kids!
KID #1
Mine says I’m a funeral director!
KID #2
Mine, too!
(SFX: WITCH CACKLING)
GRIMSBY BROTHER #1
Have your picture taken with our creepy
lab assistant, Igor!
IGOR
I’m sorry – did someone say my name?
(SFX: DEEP, EVIL LAUGHTER)
GRIMSBY BROTHER #2
So come on down to Grimsby Brothers
Halloween Warehouse and Spooktorium!
GRIMSBY BROTHER #1
Scares so real a ghost may follow you
home!
(SFX: CHAINS RATTLING)
GRIMSBY BROTHER #1 (cont.)
No, seriously – the dead seem angry.
ORGAN MUSIC FADES OUT. END.