Air Date: October 27, 2013

 

 

SIDESHOW LOUNGE

Episode #09

“Grimsby Funeral Home Ad”

Written by:

David Hines

 

OPEN: SUBDUED AND RELAXING ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS THROUGHOUT.

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #1

Announcing the Grimsby Brothers

Funeral Home ‘Bring Out Your Dead’

Sale!

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #2

Due to a certain lack of organizational

oversight, Grimsby Brothers has been

required by the National Organization

of Mortuary Owners and local law

enforcement to pay a series of crippling

fines.

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #1

But our loss is your gain!

(solemnly)

Though we are very sorry for your loss.

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #2

We’re offering deals so good you’ll

wish you were dead! Like...

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #1

Half-off all hair and make-up! We’ll make

your loved one look like a star! Probably

Joan Rivers.

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #2

The correct name on the headstone or

the eulogy is free!

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #1

All caskets half-off – lids available

for a small extra fee.

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #2

The correct name in the eulogy or the

headstone is free!

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #1

In compliance with a recent court

order, our viewing room is now 100%

vermin free! No more annoying flies,

scampering rats or pesky coyotes!

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #2

And our crematorium is up and running –

no more microwaving!

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #1

So come on down to Grimsby Brothers

Funeral Home to take advantage of our

brush with the law!

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #2

Grimsby Brothers Funeral Home – deals

you’ll die for! Please.

 

ORGAN MUSIC FADES OUT. END.

 

SIDESHOW LOUNGE

Episode #09

“Grimsby Halloween Warehouse Ad”

Written by:

David Hines

 

OPEN: CREEPY, GOTHIC ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS THROUGHOUT.

 

(NOTE: ALL SFX SHOULD COME FROM OLD, CLASSIC, FAMILIAR HALLOWEEN SOUND EFFECTS RECORDS.)

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #1

Announcing the grand opening of the

Grimsby Brothers Halloween Warehouse

and Spooktorium!

 

(SFX: CREAKY DOOR)

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #2

Located at the former site of the

Grimsby Brothers Funeral Home, we

have everything you need to turn

your home into the scariest haunted

house on the block!

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #1

Complete make-up kits! Turn yourself

into a ghoul! A Dracula! Joan Rivers!

 

(SFX: SCREAM)

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #2

Dozens of headstones! Shovels! Caskets!

Every lucky third casket contains an

actual zombie!

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #1

(flat and quick – a disclaimer)

Zombies will not rise from the dead,

re-animate or eat brains. Zombies

should be disposed of after Halloween

to avoid spread of disease.

 

(SFX: GHOST MOANING)

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #2

Turn your garage into a mad scientist’s

laboratory with...
 

(SFX: VOICE ECHO)

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #2 (cont.)

... Dr. Frankenstein’s embalming

machine!

 

(SFX: THUNDER AND LIGHTNING)

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #1

Specials on candy! Apples! Rat poison!

Razor blades!

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #2

Urns of special haunted house dust!

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #1

(scary voice)

Feb-reeeeeeeeeze!

 

(SFX: WOOD CREAKING)

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #2

Bring the whole family! We even have free

sca-a-a-a-ry business cards for the kids!

 

KID #1

Mine says I’m a funeral director!

 

KID #2

Mine, too!

 

(SFX: WITCH CACKLING)

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #1

Have your picture taken with our creepy

lab assistant, Igor!

 

IGOR

I’m sorry – did someone say my name?

 

(SFX: DEEP, EVIL LAUGHTER)

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #2

So come on down to Grimsby Brothers

Halloween Warehouse and Spooktorium!

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #1

Scares so real a ghost may follow you

home!

(SFX: CHAINS RATTLING)

 

GRIMSBY BROTHER #1 (cont.)

No, seriously – the dead seem angry.

 

ORGAN MUSIC FADES OUT. END.