AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Ep. 12: 'ARGH'
Controversy erupts!
Okay, not really. But concern is raised. That seems more accurate. Let me explain...
This script is about a ghost hunter coming onto the show because the studio is rumored to be haunted by the spirits of three 70's-era morning zoo-type DJ's who were killed there in 1976. The DJ's went by the names of Bo, Zippy... and Faggot.
You heard me.
"So, Dave. Why, uh... why 'Faggot?'"
Well, I'll tell ya. Having a very limited amount of time, I had to establish these DJ's in broad strokes. I had to show they were obnoxious, boorish, unfunny (in a specifically crass way), and very much of their era. As DJ's tend to go by 'zany' nicknames in an attempt to sell their 'wacky' and 'outrageous' personalities (sorry - 'personalities'), I viewed the character names as a good shortcut toward achieving my goals. When you hear the names 'Bo, Zippy and Faggot' you know EXACTLY what kind of shitheads these guys were.
Plus, let's be honest, I wanted to make people gasp a little. Not to be 'zany' and 'wacky' and 'outrageous,' but as a reminder that it wasn't so very long ago that this type of ignorant insult was much more commonplace and acceptable. People can use the disclaimer "It was a different time" all they want to explain the use of the slur, but they can never really excuse it.
And it made me laugh. Not the word itself, but the fact that it makes everyone so uncomfortable now. I knew I could get some jokes out of it. These shows ARE supposed to be funny, after all.
I turn the script in. The guys record it. All is right with the world.
Except it's not.
Before the next recording session, Michael tells me that Brian has had second thoughts about the use of the word. His concern (as I recall it) is that the script as written and recorded was too accepting of the term, and the characters never acknowledged its weight or showed any real reluctance to use it themselves.
I disagreed, for the reasons I've already stated above.
And I was wrong.
Not for using the word, but for not fully understanding the impact it would have on the characters - and the actors playing them. I know the intellectual reasons (sorry - 'intellectual reasons') I used it, and I stand by them. But in this age of instant and constant internet outrage I didn't take into account that a certain number of people would hear the word 'Faggot' and assume it was being used as an anti-gay slur, regardless of my intentions. I also didn't take into account the fact that I wasn't the one whose voice would be heard uttering that 'slur' - it was the actors who'd take most of the heat from angry misunderstanders.
So after a long and constructive discussion I made a few changes to the script which Brian felt clarified things to a point he was comfortable with. We re-recorded the lines, and this time all WAS right with the world.
Oh, and those changes? Made the script better. And funnier. Thanks, Brian.
So let me be clear: The word 'Faggot' is never used as a slur in this script. It is never used to describe a character's sexuality, and in fact sexuality never once comes up. I hate that I have to explain this, but - again - this IS the internet.
Plus it's funny. Deal with it.
Air Date: November 18, 2013
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Episode #012
“ARGH”
Written by:
David Hines
OPEN: SSL THEME
BRIAN
You’re listening to SideShow
Lounge, live on KRFYN Radio,
121.5 FM. I’m Brian Hanson,
along with Sam Wolf and Pontius
Pilates. Tonight’s show promises
to tickle your funnybone and
send chills down your spine.
[Theme music ends.]
SAM
I’m Sam Wolf.
PONCH
And I’m Pontius Pilates. Call me
“Ponch.”
SAM
So how are you planning to chill our
funnybone and tickle our spine?
BRIAN
Did you know that in the mid-70’s,
KRFYN had the top-rated DJ’s in the
entire bi-state area – ‘Bo, Zippy
and Faggot?’
A MOMENT OF UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE.
BRIAN (cont.)
It was a different time. A different,
terrible time. Anyway, they were hilarious.
I have some tapes of their old shows. This
first one was from February, 1976, during
the Winter Olympics in Innsbruck.
BRIAN PLAYS AN OLD, SCRATCHY TAPE OF A 37-YEAR OLD RADIO SHOW. ‘BO,’ ‘ZIPPY’ AND ‘FAGGOT’ ARE YOUR TYPICAL OBNOXIOUS MORNING-ZOO DJ’S.
BO
(on tape)
Hey, you see the figure skating at the
Olympics last night?
ZIPPY
(on tape)
Yeah! Dorothy Hamill brought home the
gold for Team USA!
[SFX ON TAPE: CROWD CHANTING ‘USA! USA!’ IS FADED UP AND THEN OUT.]
FAGGOT
(on tape)
I’d let her do a Camel Spin on my Triple
Salchow anytime – IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
[SFX ON TAPE: A SLIDE-WHISTLE RISES, FOLLOWED BY A ‘BOING’ SOUND.]
BO & ZIPPY
(on tape – gently scolding)
Fa-ggot!
THE TAPE IS SHUT OFF.
PONCH
You’re right – that was spine-chilling.
BRIAN
C’mon! That’s classic stuff! Okay – you
want intellectual? They also did
political comedy.
BRIAN PLAYS ANOTHER OLD, SCRATCHY TAPE.
BO
(on tape)
So the presidential race is really
heating up.
ZIPPY
(on tape)
Yeah! It looks like it’s gonna be peanut
farmer Jimmy Carter going head-to-head
with President Ford.
FAGGOT
(on tape)
Great! Just what we need – a choice
between a goober... and a bigger
goober!
[SFX ON TAPE: OOGAH-HORN.]
BO & ZIPPY
(on tape – gently scolding)
Fa-ggot!
THE TAPE IS SHUT OFF.
SAM
Incisive.
PONCH
Cutting.
BRIAN
You guys don’t know genius when you hear
it.
PONCH
Why are you playing us this stuff?
SAM
Have we been bad?
BRIAN
No! I’m playing it because on July 3rd,
1976, Bo, Zippy and Faggot were all
killed in this very room in a tragic
porta-potty explosion.
SAM
Define ‘tragic.’
PONCH
Wait - a porta-potty explosion?
BRIAN
It was before the station could afford
plumbing.
PONCH
That doesn’t make sense. How does a
porta-potty just explode?
BRIAN
Well, it was burrito day in the cafeteria,
and things were getting...
SAM
... Burrito-y.
BRIAN
Right. So Faggot decided to light a match.
What he didn’t remember was the station
had stored all the fireworks for the 4th of
July Bicentennial show next to the potty. So...
PONCH & SAM
(gently scolding)
Fa-ggot!
BRIAN
Exactly. Here’s the headline in the newspaper
the next day.
[SFX: RUSTLING OF NEWSPAPER.]
SAM
(reading)
‘Red, White and Kerblooey’?
PONCH
This is fascinating and all, but I still
don’t get what the show is about.
BRIAN
This is the spine-chilling part! This
studio was rebuilt, and for the past 37
years people have been seeing and hearing
things that make them think it’s haunted.
PONCH
I’ve never seen or heard anything like
that. Sam?
SAM
No. And I’d remember, because I have a
notoriously weak bladder.
BRIAN
Last week I asked the ‘Arfyne Regional
Ghost Hunters’ – the biggest paranormal
investigators in the city – to spend the
night in the studio and see what they might
find.
PONCH
‘Arfyne Regional...’ They call themselves
‘ARGH?’
BRIAN
They were originally the ‘Arfyne Society
of Spiritualists, Hauntings, Occult,
Levitations and Extraterrestrials.’
SAM
(concentrating)
A-S-S-H-O-L... Got it. ‘ARGH’ it is.
BRIAN
So we’ve got the leader of ‘ARGH’ here
tonight, and he’s ready to reveal his
findings. Right after this break.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
BRIAN
We’re back in the SideShow Lounge with
the leader of the ‘Arfyne Regional Ghost
Hunters,’ Mr. Alistair Vincent Lovecraft.
LOVECRAFT
(grand and pompous)
Greetings to all those in this realm of
existence and the next.
PONCH
Riiiiiight.
SAM
‘Alistair Vincent Lovecraft.’ Is that
your real name?
LOVECRAFT
Yes.
SAM
Are you lying?
LOVECRAFT
Yes.
BRIAN
Mr. Lovecraft spent a night ‘locked down’
in our studio using all the technical
gadgetry modern ghost hunters use to
detect the presence of spirits.
LOVECRAFT
Along with all my hi-tech instruments
I also brought some ‘trigger objects’ –
objects the spirits may have been familiar
with in life that will ‘trigger’ a response.
PONCH
Like what?
LOVECRAFT
Well, I was aware the spirits had been
radio DJ’s in the mid-70’s, so I brought...
[SFX: RUMMAGING THROUGH KNAPSACK.]
LOVECRAFT (cont.)
... this slide whistle.
[SFX: SLIDE WHISTLE RISES AND FALLS.]
SAM
(bored)
Uh-huh.
[SFX: RUMMAGING THROUGH KNAPSACK.]
LOVECRAFT
This oogah-horn.
[SFX: OOGAH-HORN.]
PONCH
(bored)
Uh-huh.
[SFX: RUMMAGING THROUGH KNAPSACK.]
LOVECRAFT
And this kilo of cocaine.
[SFX: HEAVY THUD OF PACKAGE ON CONSOLE.]
PONCH
(no longer bored)
Oh-ho!
BRIAN
And what did you observe that night?
LOVECRAFT
First I noticed an oppressive atmosphere –
the air felt heavy and menacing.
PONCH
It WAS burrito day in the cafeteria...
LOVECRAFT
I felt my first course of action should
be an EVP session.
BRIAN
I’ve heard of those – that’s where you
can record ghosts’ voices and ask them
questions and stuff.
LOVECRAFT
In layman’s terms, yes. Using a digital
recorder, we are able to pick up words
and messages that we are unable to hear
with our mortal ears.
SAM
(excited)
You have metal ears?
LOVECRAFT
‘Mortal’ ears. As in human.
SAM
(disappointed)
Oh. That’s not nearly as cool.
BRIAN
Were you able to hear anything?
LOVECRAFT
I believe I was able to pick up a voice.
I’d like to play the recording for you,
but I’m not going to tell you what I
think it says, and let you judge for
yourselves.
[SFX: LOVECRAFT SETS UP HIS RECORDER.]
BRIAN
This is exciting! Isn’t this exciting, guys?
PONCH
That is a LOT of cocaine.
LOVECRAFT
All right. The first voice you’ll hear
will be me, and then you’ll hear what
I think is a response.
LOVECRAFT PLAYS A STATIC-Y, HISSY TAPE. WE HEAR HIS VOICE:
LOVECRAFT
(on tape)
I’m sorry you’re dead. Is it hard?
AFTER A MOMENT A DISTANT VOICE CAN HEARD, PARTIALLY OBSCURED BY THE STATIC HISS:
GHOSTLY VOICE
(on tape)
Aads whuh zhee zed.
[SFX: CLICK OF RECORDER TURNING OFF.]
LOVECRAFT
Did you hear that?
BRIAN
I definitely heard SOMETHING. Guys?
PONCH
Uh... it’s hard to make out. Was it
‘Fat Doug eats shit?’
SAM
I heard, ‘Cat farts smell bad.’
BRIAN
‘Albert’s wet the bed?’
PONCH
‘Rats’ butts are red?
SAM
‘Hands up, you fag?’
(a beat)
It was a different time. A different,
terrible time.
LOVECRAFT
(snaps, angrily)
No! It’s obviously ‘That’s what she said!’
Here...
LOVECRAFT PLAYS THE TAPE AGAIN.
LOVECRAFT
(on tape)
I’m sorry you’re dead. Is it hard?
THE GHOSTLY VOICE SPEAKS – WHAT IT’S SAYING IS NOW OBVIOUS:
GHOSTLY VOICE
(on tape)
That’s what she said.
[SFX: CLICK OF RECORDER TURNING OFF.]
BRIAN
Oh yeah!
PONCH
I hear it now!
SAM
At the very least it sounds like
they wrote it.
BRIAN
What does this mean?
LOVECRAFT
I believe it means the spirits are willing
to communicate with us. I suggest we hold
a séance to determine what they want.
PONCH
A séance? Like an everyone-hold-hands-and-
talk-to-dead-people séance?
LOVECRAFT
Is there any other kind?
PONCH
I was kind of hoping.
BRIAN
This is a radio first, ladies and
gentlemen! When we return from this
commercial break we will summon the
spirits of the dead that haunt this
studio!
SAM
Does anyone else have to pee?
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
BRIAN
We’re back. During the break our guest
Alistair Vincent Lovecraft prepared
us to contact the spirits of Bo, Zippy
and Faggot – the former DJ’s who perished
in the porta-potty/fireworks explosion
of July 3, 1976. Are you ready, Alistair?
LOVECRAFT
Yes. I have lit the sacramental candles. I
have placed our trigger objects on the console.
The slide whistle...
[SFX: SLIDE WHISTLE RISES AND FALLS.]
LOVECRAFT (cont.)
... The oogah-horn...
[SFX: OOGAH-HORN.]
LOVECRAFT (cont.)
... And our kilo of... Where is the kilo
of cocaine?
PONCH
Oh! I’ve got it. Just, y’know, keepin’
it safe. Last thing you need is a coked
up ghost.
LOVECRAFT
Uh-huh. Now if we could please turn off
the lights.
[SFX: A CLICK AS THE LIGHTS ARE TURNED OFF.]
LOVECRAFT
(calls out dramatically)
I am speaking to the spirits of Bo, Zippy
and/or Faggot! Can you hear my voice? If
there is any message you would like to impart,
please do so now!
[SFX: SNIFFING AND SNORTING SOUNDS FROM PONCH.]
BRIAN
(whispers angrily)
Ponch! What are you- -
PONCH
(cuts in quickly)
What? Nothing! Seancing! Allergies!
LOVECRAFT
Bo, Zippy, Faggot – please pierce the veil
of death and speak to us!
A VOICE SUDDENLY SPEAKS FROM OUT OF NOWHERE. IT SEEMS TINNY, AS THOUGH COMING FROM A DISTANCE.
FAGGOT
Hello? Is someone there?
SAM
No. Way.
PONCH
Great. Coke.
LOVECRAFT
Is this Bo, Zippy or Faggot I am speaking to?
FAGGOT
Um, technically it’s Faggot, but I’d really
prefer you called me Kevin.
LOVECRAFT
Is ‘Kevin’ your spirit name?
FAGGOT
No, it’s my actual name. Look, who am I
talking to?
LOVECRAFT
(grandly)
This is Alistair Vincent Lovecraft the Third!
SAM
Did you just add ‘The Third?’
LOVECRAFT
(grandly)
Yes.
FAGGOT
Yeah, look, I want to talk to that Brian
guy.
BRIAN
(uncertain, scared)
I’m Brian. Uh... from what dimension are
you contacting us, Faggot?
FAGGOT
Kevin. It’s Kevin. And I’m not calling from
some ‘dimension,’ I’m calling from Atro City.
PONCH
(whispers)
He went to Hell!
FAGGOT
No, I didn’t...
(sighs)
Didn’t that Igor dude tell you I was calling?
BRIAN
(realizing)
Oh, for cryin’...
[SFX: INTERCOM SWITCH BEING THROWN.]
BRIAN (cont.)
Igor! Are you out there?
IGOR
(over intercom)
I am, my liege. Indeed. Body and spirit.
I make a little joke, you see.
BRIAN
Did you patch in this phone call from
Faggot without telling me?
FAGGOT
Kevin.
IGOR
(over intercom)
Yes, I did, sir. I thought it would
add to the ambience of the séance and
the occulting and the whatnot. Plus
I know Sam has a notoriously weak
bladder, you see. I thought perhaps
I could trigger a reaction as it were,
leading to an explosion of moistness
that- - -
[SFX: INTERCOM SWITCH BEING THROWN, CUTTING OFF IGOR.]
BRIAN
(takes deep, calming breath)
So. Faggot. I’m guessing you’re not
actually dead.
FAGGOT
No. And seriously, guys – Kevin. My name
is Kevin. It was a different time. A
different, terrible time.
LOVECRAFT
So I am to believe, sir, that Misters Bo
and Zippy were killed in the July 3rd
explosion, while you alone escaped?
FAGGOT
Nope. We were all fine. I mean, we were
shitcanned on the spot and now I have to
draw my eyebrows on with a Magic Marker,
but we didn’t die.
BRIAN
So why’d you guys just disappear?
FAGGOT
Ratings had been dropping for about a year,
so management decided it was the perfect
opportunity to rebuild and institute an
‘All Country/Racist format.’
SAM
(calls out dramatically)
I am now speaking to the spirit of Mr.
Faggot...
PONCH
He’s not dead, Sam. He’s on the phone.
FAGGOT
And honestly. I’m begging you. Kevin.
SAM
Oh. So why’d you call in?
FAGGOT
I was listening to the show and wanted
to set the record straight. I wanted
people to know I’m alive and well and
working as the night cashier at Toby’s
Fuck Hut. Things couldn’t be better.
SAM
That may be the saddest thing I’ve ever
heard anyone say out loud.
BRIAN
So this was all bullshit.
LOVECRAFT
(grandly)
Yes.
BRIAN
Okay, we’re done here. This has been
SideShow Lounge, from the apparently
NOT haunted studios of KRFYN. I’m
Brian Hanson...
PONCH
I’m Pontius Pilates...
SAM
(exaggerated ghost voice)
And I’m the ghost of Saaaaaam Woooolf.
BRIAN, PONCH & SAM
Goodnight!
THE SHOW ENDS, BUT WE CONTINUE TO LISTEN AS THE GUYS PACK UP THEIR BELONGINGS AND LEAVE, UNAWARE THEY ARE BEING HEARD.
PONCH
Great show, Brian. You definitively
proved nothing was going on.
BRIAN
Just like your career.
(to Faggot)
And thanks for calling in, Kevin.
FAGGOT
Kevin! It’s Kevin, you stupid son-of-a...
Oh, that’s what you said...
[SFX: CLICK AND DIAL-TONE AS FAGGOT IS CUT OFF. GENERAL RUSTLING AND WALKING SOUNDS AS EVERYONE HEADS FOR THE DOOR. THEIR VOICES GET QUIETER AS THEY RECEDE.]
BRIAN
(sarcastically)
And thank YOU, Alistair. Nice job
hunting those ghosts.
LOVECRAFT
Have any of you gentlemen seen my
cocaine?
PONCH
We’ll talk about it in the parking lot.
SAM
My crotch is completely soaked...
[SFX: DOOR CLOSING AS THEY LEAVE. THE STUDIO IS SILENT A MOMENT. THEN, VERY QUIETLY, WE HEAR A GHOSTLY VOICE SPEAK SOFTLY INTO THE MICROPHONE.]
GHOSTLY VOICE
That’s what she said.
[ENDING & OUTTRO.]