AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Ep. 17: 'Holiest of Holies'
Farts are funny. This is non-negotiable. If you don't agree with me I advise you to leave now, because that's pretty much the entire premise of this script.
Well, that, and I think shows like Stomp are stupid.
But it's mostly about the farts.
Since none of us can fart on cue (that we're willing to admit, anyway), this episode required our editor Jessica Conrad to make a heroic search to create a library of varied and eclectic fart sounds. I'll admit I didn't make her job any easier by writing descriptions such as 'Small, reverent fart,' or 'A cross between a high-pitched fart and the tinkling of a princess' magic wand.'
I'll also admit I wrote those descriptions that way just to give her a hard time.
But, like always, Jessica came through. The impressive range of the farts she collected plays as large a role in the success of this show as the dialog or the acting. Plus now she's got, like, a bazillion fart files on her computer and will never have to Google 'fart sounds' again.
Well, not for the show, anyway. What she does in her private time is her business.
Air Date: Jan. 6, 2014
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Episode #017
“HOLIEST OF HOLIES”
Written by:
David Hines
OPEN: SSL THEME
BRIAN
You’re listening to SideShow
Lounge, live on KRFYN Radio,
121.5 FM. I’m Brian Hanson,
along with Sam Wolf and Pontius
Pilates. Look – I don’t like
you, and you don’t like me, but
we need to stick this out for
the good of the children.
[Theme music ends.]
PONCH
I’m Pontius Pilates. Call me “Ponch.”
SAM
(weakly)
And I’m Sam Wolf.
BRIAN
Jesus, Sam! What happened to you?
PONCH
You look terrible! Were you mugged?
SAM SPEAKS GROGGILY, LIKE HE’S NOT ENTIRELY THERE.
SAM
No, no. Nothing like that. I went to
the theatre last night.
PONCH
I’ve fought to AVOID going to the
theatre before. Dahmer Elementary
did a production of ‘Fiddler on the
Roof’ last year. Eight year olds
in beards being driven out of
Anatevka. The most depressing fucking
thing I’ve ever seen.
BRIAN
But the songs were good.
PONCH
Well sure, the songs.
SAM
I went down to the Arfyne City Center
for the Arts and Landfill to see the
off-off-off-off-off Broadway hit,
‘Ouch!’
BRIAN
That’s a lot of off’s.
PONCH
I think I’ve heard of that. It’s like
‘Stomp,’ right? Where they make music
using all these weird everyday things
as percussion?
SAM
Kind of. It’s the same basic idea, only
in ‘Ouch!’ they use audience members as
percussion.
PONCH
Say again?
SAM
They come into the audience and hit people
with different items to create music. Every
number has a different theme.
BRIAN
That sounds awful!
SAM
No! It was actually pretty interesting –
what I can recall, anyway. I seem to have
a few gaps in my memory...
PONCH
What do you remember? Besides the fact that
I came by last night and repaid that twenty
bucks I owe you.
SAM
You did? Oh, that was nice of you.
BRIAN
(cynically, to Ponch)
Yeah – you’re a saint.
PONCH
Ssssh!
SAM
Well, the first number was a ‘Salute to
Baseball,’ where the cast came out and
beat us with baseball bats to the tune
of ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame.’
BRIAN
They beat you with BATS?
SAM
Pffft. Of course! What were they supposed
to use, hockey sticks? The next thing I
remember was the ‘Tribute to Joe Pesci.’
This was mostly a lot of kicking and
yelling if we thought they were clowns,
there to amuse us.
PONCH
What song were they playing?
SAM
Song?
BRIAN
Do you remember anything else? You might
need it for the police report.
SAM
The last thing I remember was the big finale,
which had something to do with surfing.
PONCH
Oh. Well that doesn’t sound so bad.
SAM
The entire cast came out and beat us with
surfboards to the tune of ‘Wipe Out.’
PONCH
I stand corrected.
BRIAN
Sam, that all sounds horrible!
SAM
Not at all. It was the all-kicking, all-
punching, all-pummeling hit of the year!
BRIAN
How much did they pay you to say that
on the air?
SAM
Twenty bucks.
PONCH
Say, since you made an extra twenty, maybe
you could loan me back the twenty I repaid
you last night.
SAM
Sure, buddy.
BRIAN
(cynically, to Ponch)
Like I said – a saint.
PONCH
Ssssh!
BRIAN
We’ll be right back.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
BRIAN
We’re back. Tonight we have a VERY
special show. I have on the line, all
the way from Hollywood, California,
ready to give us an exclusive interview,
Mr. Val...
[SFX: A LOUD ‘POOF’ SOUND, AS THOUGH SOMETHING HAS APPEARED IN A CLOUD OF SMOKE.]
FRANK
Hello, gentlemen.
BRIAN
Ahhhh! What the hell?
PONCH
Who’s that?
SAM
Where’d he come from?
FRANK
Calm yourself, gentlemen. I’m not here
to harm you. On the contrary. (FARTS)
[SFX NOTE: AS FRANK SPEAKS, HE FARTS. THESE SOUND CUES WILL BE NOTED PARENTHETICALLY WITHIN THE DIALOG.]
BRIAN
Whoa! Are you kidding me? Where’d you
have lunch, man – the dumpster behind
a Chinese buffet?
SAM
It smells like sulfur! And he appeared in
a puff of smoke! It’s the Devil!
PONCH
Quick! Sam! Take this twenty bucks back!
FRANK
Now, now – I assure you I am not the Devil.
PONCH
Oh. Sam, can I have that twenty back?
Thanks.
BRIAN
Who are you and what’re you doing here?
FRANK
My name is Frank, and I am the farthest
thing from the Devil. In fact – I am a
god. (FARTS)
A MOMENT OF SILENCE.
BRIAN
You’re God.
FRANK
No, no – not THE God. A god. Small ‘g.’
SAM
Okay, so what kind of small ‘g’ god are
you?
FRANK
I am Frank – the god of farts. (FARTS)
PONCH
God of farts? That’s a shit job.
FRANK
No, that would be Darren, god of feces.
BRIAN
So, what – there are gods for everything?
FRANK
Yes. Turns out the Native Americans had it
pretty close to right – there are gods for
everything in the world, no matter how
small or insignificant. (FARTS)
PONCH
So there’s a god of snails? And a god of
hangnails? And a god of shoelaces?
FRANK
Yep! That’d be Stan, Eric and Randy.
SAM
God of farts. Couldn’t you apply for another
job? Like god of boobs or something?
FRANK
Oh! Can you imagine? God of boobs? You
couldn’t WAIT to get to work every day!
(FARTS) But there’s no way Gerry’s ever
giving it up.
BRIAN
Gerry?
FRANK
Gerry – god of boobs. He does some
great work – I mean, obviously – but
he also has a sick sense of humor.
SAM
Like how?
FRANK
Have you ever seen an old man jog?
SAM
Gotcha.
PONCH
I don’t know, I think I’d be more of an
ass god, myself.
FRANK
Ooh, careful. Sure, that sounds great when
you’re in LA or Brazil, but it’s not so fun
down in Alabama or Georgia. (FARTS)
BRIAN
Um, I don’t mean to be rude, but do you
always...?
FRANK
Fart? (FARTS) Of course. Be glad I’m not
the god of projectile vomiting. That’d
be Lucius, poor bastard. Never gets invited
anywhere. (FARTS)
PONCH
Is there a god of blow jobs? Can we meet
them?
FRANK
You mean Burt?
PONCH
Never mind.
BRIAN
Are all gods men? They all seem to have
men’s names.
FRANK
(FARTS) No, the big boss isn’t. I mean,
obviously, She essentially gave birth
to the universe. But the lesser gods –
the drone gods – are all men. It’s kinda
like a beehive.
SAM
Then... then you must know the one true
name of God.
FRANK
Sure. It’s Miss Goldstein. (FARTS)
SAM
The true name of God is ‘Miss Goldstein?’
FRANK
Well, She IS our boss. We have to show
some respect. (FARTS) We can’t just go
around calling Her Beverly.
PONCH
God’s full name is ‘Beverly Goldstein.’
FRANK
(confidentially)
‘Bev,’ if you get a few drinks in Her. (FARTS)
BRIAN
So, should we talk about Jesus?
FRANK
Depends. Is this studio Angry Mob-Proof?
BRIAN
This seems like a good place to take a
break.
[SFX: FRANK FARTS.]
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
BRIAN
We’re back, and I guess I should ask
the question that’s on everyone’s mind...
SAM
Yeah! Do you know Loki, god of mischief?
FRANK
Uh, you mean JEREMY, god of ASSHOLERY?
Yeah, I know him. Fuck that jerk! ‘Loki,
god of mischief’ – give me a break! I
can’t believe people bought that shit.
[SFX: HUGE FART.]
FRANK (cont.)
That wasn’t me.
SAM
It was me. I’m sorry, it’s like a yawn.
One person starts and the next thing
you know...
[SFX: PONCH FARTS.]
PONCH
That was mine. He’s right. I can’t hold
it in anymore...
BRIAN
Oh, what the hell.
[SFX: BRIAN RIPS A BIG, WET, SLOPPY FART.]
SAM
Oh, man! How long have you been holding
that one in?
BRIAN
Since I had those six egg muffins for
breakfast.
FRANK
I love you guys. (FARTS)
BRIAN
Frank, what I wanted to ask you was –
why are you here?
FRANK
My job, my entire reason for being, is
to create as many farts as possible. (FARTS)
To accomplish this goal I work with other
gods – for instance I collaborated with
Stuart, god of food to create garlic,
radishes and Arby’s.
PONCH
You’re very good.
FRANK
Well, I’m prolific, at least. (FARTS)
BRIAN
But that doesn’t answer my question.
FRANK
Every god has one place on Earth most
holy to them. For Barry, god of trees,
it’s the redwoods. (FARTS) For Kirby,
god of mountains, it’s the Himalayas.
(FARTS) For me it’s this studio.
BRIAN
This studio? This rank, damp, stinking,
reeking... wait, it’s starting to make
sense.
FRANK
Yes! This is my most holy place. (FARTS)
Well, here or every Starbucks bathroom
everywhere, but I don’t want to share it
with Kevin, god of diarrhea.
SAM
There’s a god of feces AND a god of diarrhea?
FRANK
You know how it is. Everything’s so specialized
these days. I’m CONSTANTLY butting heads with
Percy, god of sharts. (FARTS)
PONCH
Yeah, I’d imagine.
FRANK
To reward your good work, and to encourage
you to continue, I have decided to bestow
upon you a gift!
[SFX: A CROSS BETWEEN A HIGH-PITCHED FART AND THE TINKLING OF A PRINCESS’ MAGIC WAND.]
PONCH
No way!
BRIAN
It can’t be!
FRANK
Yes, my sons. Behold, my greatest reward –
a lifetime supply of taco coupons from
Alrohumbertotito’s!
SAM
(weepy)
It’s... it’s a miracle!
FRANK
Goddamn right. (FARTS)
[SFX: A LOUD ‘POOF’ SOUND, AS FRANK DISAPPEARS IN A CLOUD OF SMOKE.]
BRIAN, PONCH AND SAM SPEAK IN REVERENT WHISPERS.
PONCH
I don’t know what to say.
SAM
Let’s not say anything. Let’s not ruin
the moment by speaking.
BRIAN
Agreed. This has been SideShow Lounge.
I’m Brian Hanson...
PONCH
... Pontius Pilates...
SAM
... Sam Wolf...
BRIAN, PONCH & SAM
(very quietly)
... Goodnight.
[SFX: SMALL, REVERENT FART.]
[ENDING & OUTTRO.]