AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Ep. 20: 'Mr. Nips'
Monkeys.
Monkeys scare me.
I don't really know why. Maybe it's because they're these little proto-humans with super-strength and bitey teeth that would like nothing more than to rip off your face and balls when all you were doing was trying to bring them a birthday cake. (How common is this? I typed 'Monkey attack bir--' into Google, and before I finished it automatically filled in 'Monkey attack birthday cake.' Thank God thank God thank GOD I didn't try to type in 'Monkey attack genital mutilation.' I might never sleep again.)
So anyway, monkeys scare me.
Then imagine how scared I'd be of a hyper-intelligent monkey who can make phone calls, wear sexy disguises, and has weird nipples?
I'd be terrified, that's how scared I'd be!!!
Enter Mr. Nips. The monkey of my nightmares.
"Die, you monkey slut," indeed.
Air Date: Feb. 2, 2014
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Episode #020
“MR. NIPS”
Written by:
David Hines
OPEN: SSL THEME
BRIAN
You’re listening to SideShow
Lounge, live on KRFYN Radio,
121.5 FM. I’m Brian Hanson,
along with Sam Wolf and Pontius
Pilates. Ass, gas or grass – no
one listens for free.
[Theme music ends.]
PONCH
I’m Pontius Pilates. Call me “Ponch.”
SAM
And I’m Sam Wolf. What magical adventure
are you taking us on tonight, Brian?
BRIAN
I’m glad you asked, Sam. Tonight’s guest
is currently trying to raise funds to
open a zoo right here in Arfyne City!
PONCH
I love zoos. My parents used to take
me to the zoo in Lumino City. We’d see
the elephants and the giraffes, but my
favorite part was the heavy petting zoo.
BRIAN
Don’t you just mean the ‘petting zoo?’
PONCH
Not the way I did it.
BRIAN
Upsetting. That’s upsetting what you
just said in public. Pressing on, let’s
introduce our guest – future curator of
the Arfyne City Zoo, Mr. Bert Random.
BERT
Thank you, Brian. Hello, gentlemen.
BRIAN
Tell me, Bert – a zoo seems like a
huge undertaking, what inspired you
to take on a project of this size?
BERT
Well, first and foremost, I love
animals.
PONCH
That’s what I’m sayin’.
BERT
And I feel that for Arfyne City to
continue to grow and compete with
our wealthier neighbors such as
Lumino City we must be willing to
branch out and take risks.
BRIAN
Our phone lines are open if any listeners
would like to make a donation. I understand
you’ve already raised enough funds to
purchase your first exotic animal, is that
correct?
BERT
Yes and no, Brian. Our first import was
a zebra from the Tijuana Zoo – but after
it arrived we realized it wasn’t really
a zebra... and Tijuana doesn’t really
have a zoo. At least not a zoo called
‘Casa de Tatas,’ anyway.
SAM
I had a similar mix-up once. I thought
I was ordering a steamer trunk from
Cleveland, but that’s definitely not what
was in the box when I opened it.
BERT
On the bright side, the donkey seemed
very relieved – though it’s still not
a good idea to approach him from behind.
PONCH
Been there.
BRIAN
Aaaaaand we’ll be right back.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
BRIAN
We’re back with Bert Random, who is
telling us his plans to open a zoo right
here in Arfyne City.
SAM
Do you have any animals other than the
zebra/donkey?
BERT
So far the zoo is mostly rats, possums,
a couple garter snakes...
PONCH
So your zoo is basically like any other
vacant lot downtown.
BERT
No, no – like I said, we’ve got the
zebra/donkey as well as a monkey named
Mr. Nips.
SAM
Oooh, I love monkeys! Did you bring him
with you?
BERT
Well, no. Unfortunately Mr. Nips got out
of his cage the first day he arrived and
I’ve been unable to recapture him.
BRIAN
So you DON’T actually have a monkey.
BERT
Oh no, he’s around.
(darkly)
Always nearby. Lurking. Watching. Plotting.
(brightly)
But I did bring a few other animals to
show you!
SAM
Neat-o!
[SFX: A JAR BEING UNSCREWED AND LID BEING REMOVED.]
BERT
This little fellow here is what scientists
call a ‘slimitus wiggelus.’ Would you like
to hold him, Mr. Pilates? I assure you, he
won’t bite.
PONCH
(a beat)
That’s because he’s a worm.
BERT
Ah, but not just ANY worm – an ‘Earth’
worm. Which translates to ‘Worm of the
Earth.’
PONCH
As opposed to ‘Worm of the Sky?’
[SFX: A SMALL CAGE DOOR CREAKS OPEN.]
BERT
All right, then how about this – a
prime example of the species ‘softium
nibbelus.’ Here, Brian, let me place
him on your shoulder. Don’t be frightened,
he’s perfectly tame.
BRIAN
He’s a hamster.
(sighs)
A hamster who just peed on my shoulder.
BERT
And finally, the king of the forest.
‘Carnivorum mammalius stuffitum!’
PONCH
A teddy bear. One of the animals in
your zoo is a teddy bear.
SAM
Can I hold him? He doesn’t bite, does
he?
BERT
Just avoid sudden movements and he’s tame
as a...
PONCH
Worm?
BRIAN
Hamster?
PONCH
Child’s toy?
BERT
Exactly.
(to Sam)
I wouldn’t hug him so tightly – we haven’t
had a chance to fumigate him for bedbugs
yet. Or lice. Or fleas. Or ticks. Or ebola...
SAM
You can take him back now.
[SFX: PHONE RINGS.]
BRIAN
Oh my God – is someone actually calling
in to make a donation?
(answers phone)
Thank you for calling SideShow Lounge.
You’re on the air.
[SFX: OVER THE PHONE WE HEAR THE SHRIEKING OF AN ANGRY MONKEY.]
BERT
(shouting)
I know that’s you, Mr. Nips! You can’t
evade me forever! Soon you’ll be back
in your cage bowing down to me like I’m
a god!
[SFX: THE MONKEY SHRIEKING GROWS MORE AGITATED UNTIL BRIAN HANGS UP.]
PONCH
What the hell was that?
BERT
Mr. Nips. He delights in tormenting me.
But I will have the final laugh! He will
learn his place on the lower rung of
the animal hierarchy or meet a bloody
end.
BRIAN
Okay! We’ll be right back with Bert Random –
zookeeper, conservationist, animal lover.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
BRIAN
And we’re back. So, Bert, I’ve got to
ask you – what’s the story with Mr. Nips?
It seems like there’s some real animosity
between you two.
BERT
Sadly, yes. When we got Mr. Nips his
previous owners had neglected to tell
me he had a bit of a biting problem.
BRIAN
You couldn’t have figured it out? His
name is ‘Mr. Nips.’
BERT
Well, he’s also got a physical deformity
with his boobs where...
BRIAN
I’m good!
BERT
When I brought him his dinner that
first night he attacked me and fled
into the darkness. But he didn’t go
far, always staying just out of reach.
PONCH
It sounds like he’s pretty clever.
BERT
You have no idea. One night I was in a
bar where I met a beautiful blonde. We
hit it off, one thing led to another and
at the end of the night I took her back
to my place. In the morning I woke to
find her dress and a blonde wig on the
floor along with a note – it had been
Mr. Nips all along.
SAM
Eyew.
PONCH
Wait - a NOTE? What’d it say?
BERT
Mostly a lot of ‘ooks’ and ‘eeks.’ But
I got the gist of it.
[SFX: A HEAVY, SPLATTING THUD AS SOMETHING HITS THE OUTSIDE OF THE WINDOW.]
SAM
(startled)
What was that? Did the earthworm get
out of its cage?
BRIAN
It sounded like something hit the window...
Oh my God. It’s poo.
PONCH
That must mean...
BERT
There! Hanging from the ledge of the
building across the street!
BRIAN/PONCH/SAM
Mr. Nips?!?
BERT
The very same!
SAM
Holy crap. You weren’t kidding about
his boobs.
BERT
I’d never joke about something so horrifying.
SAM
They’re like slices of salami with Vienna
sausages sticking out of them.
[SFX: ANOTHER HEAVY, WET THUD AGAINST THE GLASS.]
BERT
(shouting at Mr. Nips)
That’s right! Have your fun! Throw your poo!
But before this day is done I’ll be wearing
your face-skin as a codpiece!
[SFX: ANOTHER THUD.]
SAM
I don’t think I love monkeys anymore,
guys.
BRIAN
Look! He’s jumping for our window!
[SFX: MONKEY HITTING THE WINDOW. THROUGHOUT THE REST OF THE SKETCH HE POUNDS ON THE GLASS IN THE BACKGROUND WHILE WE HEAR HIS MUFFLED SHRIEKS.]
SAM
I’m scared, Brian. I don’t want his
nipples to touch me.
PONCH
I do.
[SFX: RUSTLING AND RUMMAGING THROUGH A CANVAS BAG.]
BERT
It’s okay! I brought a tranquilizer
gun!
BRIAN
That’s not a tranquilizer gun! That’s a
bazooka!
BERT
Well, either way he’s gonna take a long
nap!
BRIAN
(rapidly)
I think that does it this week from SideShow
Lounge. I’m Brian Hanson...
PONCH
(rapidly)
Yeah, yeah – Pontius Pilates!
SAM
(rapidly)
Sam Wolf! Sam Wolf!
BRIAN/PONCH/SAM
Goodnight!
BERT
(screaming)
Die, you monkey slut!!!
[SFX: A BAZOOKA LAUNCHING, FOLLOWED BY STATIC AS THE TRANSMISSION IS LOST. HOLD STATIC FOR 10 SECONDS.]
[ENDING & OUTTRO.]