AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Ep. 25: 'Fair to Middling'
We're friends, right? I can be honest with you.
This is my least favorite of the episodes I've written.
Let me state clearly right up front that I feel this way because of MY work, and no one else's. The actors are all terrific and Jessica put the show together with her usual expertise... this one's on me.
And y'know, I can't really put my finger on WHY I feel this way. I don't think it's a BAD script - I wouldn't have turned it in if I thought so. And I certainly wouldn't have insisted on it being recorded and edited and released if I thought it was a real turd. Too many people work too hard for me to waste their time like that.
Nope. I don't think it's bad.
I just think it's kind of... okay.
But as a writer, 'okay' sticks in your craw almost as much as 'bad.'
It doesn't help that the actor playing the part of Earl 'Buttsweat' Mildoo is kind of giving a terrible performance. And it really doesn't help that that actor is me. Which probably goes a long way toward explaining how I feel about this one.
But hey! You may love it! Shit, I have people tell me they love Once Bitten all the goddamn time! Maybe I'm just being a sensitive dickhole! (Actually, I think I'm just being a writer. Self-flagelation is kind of our thing.)
I only wish the title didn't seem so mockingly ironic.
Air Date: March 23, 2014
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Episode #025
“FAIR TO MIDDLING”
Written by:
David Hines
OPEN: SSL THEME
BRIAN
You’re listening to SideShow
Lounge, live on KRFYN Radio,
121.5 FM. I’m Brian Hanson,
along with Sam Wolf and Pontius
Pilates. This show is a riddle
wrapped in mystery inside an
enigma – or, as I like to think
of it, an anarchy Turducken.
[Theme music ends.]
SAM
I’m Sam Wolf.
PONCH
And I’m Pontius Pilates. Call me “Ponch.”
BRIAN
As you know, guys, the annual Arfyne
City Fair is this weekend at the
fairgrounds on the corner of Cherry
and Golina.
SAM
Oooh! I love the fair! Eating the food,
riding the rides, throwing up the throw
up.
PONCH
That’s because you eat all that crap
fried in the grease of dead, rendered
animals.
SAM
I do love me some rendered animals.
BRIAN
So what fried foods are you especially
excited about throwing up this year?
Are you gonna go with the old standards
like corn dogs and chicken or the new
classics like deep fried Twinkies or
deep fried butter?
SAM
No, I think I’m going to try and be
more healthy this year, Brian.
BRIAN
So you might actually survive to be on
the show next week?
SAM
Yeah, I think I’m gonna stick with some
deep fried yogurt, a deep fried salad and
some deep fried green tea.
BRIAN
You’re the very picture of health. What
about you, Ponch? Are you gonna ride all
the rides and play all the games on the
midway?
PONCH
No way. I stay the hell away from all
that stuff.
BRIAN
How come?
PONCH
The carnies, man. The carnies.
BRIAN
Oh! Because they rig all the games, and
you don’t want to ride anything designed
to go fast that’s assembled by tweakers?
PONCH
No, because all that stuff gets in the
way of me spending time with the carnies!
They’re awesome!
BRIAN
Wait – you hang out with the carnies?
PONCH
Every year.
BRIAN
But why?
PONCH
I’ll tell you, Brian.
(speechifying)
If you want to know how to live in the
moment? Hang with a carnie. If you want
to know how to live unencumbered by
material possessions or weighed down by
society’s expectations? Hang with a
carnie. If you want to feel better about
your own miserable life after the fair
leaves town? Definitely hang with a carnie.
BRIAN
(getting it)
Oh-kay! So this is all about improving
self-esteem through comparison.
PONCH
Oh, totally. Never fails. Those people
are fucking disgusting. Just the fact
that I live indoors and own deodorant
makes me feel like a goddamn millionaire.
BRIAN
I’ll be right back with Donald Trump and
the cholesterol kid after these messages.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
BRIAN
We’re back. In honor of the Arfyne City
Fair we have two guests this evening.
First up is director of the Arfyne City
Players, Dann Skinn. Welcome back to the
show, Dann.
DANN
Greetings, Brian.
(pointedly)
Pontius.
(back to interview mode)
I’m honored to, as we say in the theatre,
‘make my entrance.’
BRIAN
Also joining us is the owner of the best
barbecue joint in town, Earl ‘Buttsweat’
Mildoo.
BUTTSWEAT
(good ole boy)
Howdy, pard. Glad to, as we say in the
restaurant business, be here.
BRIAN
I’ll begin with Dann. This will be your
fourth year staging a production of a
famous play for the city fair.
DANN
Indeed, Brian. I am immensely flattered
that the fair organizers enjoy my work so
much they keep asking me to return.
SAM
Plus you’re free!
DANN
(ignoring Sam)
I do this every year because art is
transformative. Art is inspiring. When
I was growing up, art is what gave me
purpose, what allowed me to discover
the true essence of who I am.
PONCH
You sucked at sports, eh?
DANN
Oh, no – I love watersports!
PONCH
Arfyne High School doesn’t have a
pool.
DANN
Oh, you mean ACTUAL sports! No, yes,
terrible.
BRIAN
Don’t you always do famous plays
re-written as one-man shows for
yourself?
DANN
I don’t consider them ‘re-written’ so
much as ‘re-imagined.’ I’ve tried to
strip away all the fat keeping only the
most prime meat.
BUTTSWEAT
Now hold on there, little feller. Sounds
like you’re headin’ into my territory.
BUTTSWEAT LAUGHS HEARTILY. DANN CAN’T KEEP THE SNEER OUT OF HIS VOICE.
DANN
Yes. Clever. As I was saying, reducing
these plays to one character really
emphasizes the true essence of the
original author’s intent.
SAM
What plays have you done in the past?
DANN
Well, I previously starred in an adaptation
of ‘Romeo and Juliet’ titled simply ‘Romeo!’
The following year I appeared in ‘The Pirate
of Penzance.’ And last year I was in ‘Glen!,’
an adaptation of David Mamet’s four-man
play, ‘Glen, Gary, Glen, Ross.’ I played
the first Glen.
BRIAN
And this year?
DANN
I’m proud to announce this year I shall
be starring in a production titled,
‘Godot!’ – exclamation point.
PONCH
Is that ‘exclamation point’ part of the
title, or ‘exclamation point’ as in
punctuation?
DANN
Punctuation. I want your listeners to
feel the full excitement of the title.
PONCH
That’s pretty stupid – exclamation point.
BRIAN
So... ‘Godot!,’ huh? You DO know that in
‘Waiting for Godot’ that character never
shows up, right? It’s kind of the point.
DANN
Yes, but I saw this as an opportunity to
dramatize what the title character is up
to while he’s being waited for.
SAM
So what’s he up to?
DANN
A little laundry, a crossword puzzle, a
quick lunch and a nap.
BRIAN
So nothing interesting happens at all?
DANN
Exactly! I wanted to maintain the feel of
the original play!
BUTTSWEAT
(laughs)
You should come on down to my barbecue
stand, little feller – sounds like that
turkey you’re plannin’ could use some
spicin’ up!
DANN
I beg your pardon???
BRIAN
Uh, I think this is a good place to take
a break. We’ll be right back.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
BRIAN
We’re discussing this week’s Arfyne City
Fair with two of its most familiar faces.
Let’s speak with Earl ‘Buttsweat’ Mildoo.
How many years have had a booth at the
fair, Mr. Mildoo?
BUTTSWEAT
Call me Buttsweat, son.
BRIAN
Seriously?
PONCH
Wasn’t there a scandal a few years back
when you served tainted beef?
BUTTSWEAT
There was, but in our defense, we did
think the taint was a valid cut of meat.
BRIAN
Are you planning anything new and special
for this year’s fair... Mr. Buttsweat?
BUTTSWEAT
Glad you asked, Brian! This year we’ve
expanded our menu. We’ll be serving
barbecued cow bits, barbecued chicken
bits, barbecued lamb bits, and for the
vegetarians, barbecued fish bits.
SAM
I do like me some good bits.
BUTTSWEAT
Plus we’ll be serving up my Granny’s
famous cole slaw – made with real coal.
Granny wasn’t so good at readin’.
BRIAN
You still use your Granny’s recipe?
BUTTSWEAT
All our recipes have been passed down
through my family from generation to
generation. My famous Buttsweat Sauce
is a mixture of three herbs and spices
plus our super-secret ingredient that
gives it that special ooh-wee! Our
sauce is so spicy it’ll make YOUR butt
sweat!
BRIAN
And you’re still in business?
BUTTSWEAT
(laughs)
Hell, boy – business ain’t never been
better! We been family owned and operated
for the past thirty-six years. There’s
me, my brother Nutsweat, and my sister.
PONCH
Who goes by the name of...?
BUTTSWEAT
Slutsweat.
PONCH
Of course she does.
BUTTSWEAT
Plus this year, for the very first time,
we’ll be offerin’ up a mess-a live
entertainment!
DANN
Wait, what? What live entertainment? I
haven’t heard anything about this.
BUTTSWEAT
Don’t worry, little feller. This here live
entertainment’s more along the lines of
interpretive dance than actual theatre. Our
first dance troupe is called the ‘Bar-B-
Cuties.’
BRIAN
And what kind of dance will they be
performing?
BUTTSWEAT
They’re strippers. Next up we’ll be
featurin’ the ‘Arfyne Titties.’
PONCH
And they are...?
BUTTSWEAT
More strippers. Finally we’ll be presentin’
up the ‘Pork Butts.’
BRIAN
Who would be...?
BUTTSWEAT
Ugly strippers.
SAM
Why would you hire ugly strippers?
BUTTSWEAT
We cater to every taste, son.
DANN
This is outrageous! I spend a year
planning a show to provide the sheep
in this hick town the highbrow, cultural
stimulation they so desperately lack,
and now I find myself in competition
with this lowbrow vulgarian and his
harem of skanks?!?
THERE’S AN UNEASY PAUSE BEFORE BUTTSWEAT SPEAKS CALMLY.
BUTTSWEAT
Them’s some hurtful words from someone
who’s missed the whole point of the play
he’s decided to butcher. It’s Godot’s very
absence that allows diverse interpretations –
whether as political, religious or
philosophical allegory, or by applying
Freudian or Jungian schools of psychoanalysis.
I personally consider it a meditation about
God’s impact on our daily lives even though
He is, and remains, absent. Who’s the vulgarian
now, you pudknocking hack?
DANN LETS OUT A YELL, ATTACKING BUTTSWEAT.
[SFX: WEAK, INEFFECTUAL THUDS AS DANN’S TINY FISTS BOUNCE INEFFECTUALLY OFF BUTTSWEAT’S MASSIVE CHEST.]
DANN
Myeh. Myeh. Myeh.
BUTTSWEAT
Are you hitting me?
DANN
Quite viciously! Are you afraid to engage
me in fisticuffs, you big palooka?
BUTTSWEAT
I don’t think that’d be such a good
idea, little feller.
DANN
Ha! So the big, bad man is afraid, is he?
Myeh. Myeh. Myeh.
BUTTSWEAT
(to Brian, Ponch and Sam)
Uh, guys?
BRIAN
Go for it.
PONCH
Fine by me.
SAM
What’s a palooka?
BUTTSWEAT
(shrugs)
Okay, then.
[SFX: A RUSH OF AIR, FOLLOWED BY A HARD PUNCH, FOLLOWED BY A BODY CRUMPLING TO THE FLOOR.]
BRIAN
That’s probably the BEST review he’s
gonna get.
PONCH
So, Buttsweat – will you introduce me to
the ‘Pork Butts?’
BRIAN
The ‘Pork Butts?’ Are you serious?
PONCH
Hey, you heard the man – they cater to
every taste, son.
BRIAN
That’ll do it for this episode of SideShow
Lounge. Don’t forget to visit the Arfyne
City Fair this weekend to sample some of
that famous Buttsweat Barbecue, and watch
the premiere of ‘Godot!’ featuring a man
in a full-body cast. I’m Brian Hanson...
PONCH
I’m Pontius Pilates.
SAM
And I’m Sam Wolf.
BRIAN/PONCH/SAM
Goodnight!
[ENDING & OUTTRO.]