AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Ep. 28: 'Little Bastards'
A personal favorite. It's got so many things I love - phony-baloney cinematic history, fake behind-the-scenes tales from the early days of filmmaking, and really dark stuff involving children and dogs. What's not to like?
I always thought the Little Rascals were kinda creepy - and I'm not just talking about Joe Cobb.
Holy crap, right?
Plus it's not like ol' Glandular Condition Joe was alone. Just look at some of these kids:
If you had a kid who looked like that now you'd think he had a neurological condition. And do you know who the cutest Little Rascal of all time was?
That's Robert Blake! Robert 'I'm Gonna Go Back In The Restaurant To Retrieve My Gun' Blake! THE CUTE ONE!!!
Seriously, if you want to depress yourself, Google 'Little Rascals Deaths' sometime. You'll be introduced to the so-called 'Curse of the Little Rascals.'
Or you can read this script and laugh like an a-hole instead.
Air Date: April 13, 2014
God, it's even worse in color.
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Episode #028
“LITTLE BASTARDS”
Written by:
David Hines
OPEN: SSL THEME
BRIAN
You’re listening to SideShow
Lounge, live on KRFYN Radio,
121.5 FM. I’m Brian Hanson,
along with Sam Wolf and Pontius
Pilates. When there were only one
set of footsteps in the sand,
that’s when I was carrying you.
You lazy prick.
[Theme music ends.]
PONCH
I’m Pontius Pilates. Call me “Ponch.”
SAM
And I’m Sam Wolf.
BRIAN
As you guys know, I consider myself
one of Arfyne City’s most ardent
historians – always digging up unusual
facts about our endlessly fascinating
town.
PONCH
Uh-oh.
BRIAN
What do you mean, ‘Uh-oh?’
PONCH
It’s just that whenever you dig up
fascinating facts about the past,
they’re always racist, or sexist, or
involve the horrible slaughter of
innocent people...
SAM
Or are boring.
BRIAN
Well this time you’re both wrong!
This story is about as wholesome
and interesting as it gets.
PONCH
(aside, to Sam)
Five bucks it gets horrifying.
SAM
(aside, to Ponch)
Ten, but it has to make me so uncomfortable
that I start crying.
PONCH
(aside, to Sam)
Done.
BRIAN
Will you guys knock it off? Did either
of you know that for a short time in
the early 1930’s Arfyne City was home
to the third largest movie studio in
the country?
SAM
Really? I had no idea.
PONCH
Porn, right? It made silent porn. The
kind that when you see it now you spend
the whole time praying you don’t see
your grandma?
BRIAN
No! And exactly how much silent porn
do you watch, anyway?
PONCH
It’s for research. I’ve got to try and
clear my grandma’s name!
BRIAN
Well it wasn’t porn. They made shorts
for the whole family starring a group
of ragtag ragamuffins that captured the
hearts of moviegoers around the world!
You may have known them as the ‘Little
Bastards!’
SAM
The ‘Little Bastards?’ I LOVED them when
I was a kid! Sheriff Wangdoozle used to
show them on his cartoon show every
Sunday morning.
PONCH
I didn’t know they shot those in Arfyne
City.
BRIAN
Yup! And it turns out one of the actors
who played one of the ‘Little Bastards’
is still alive and kicking and living
right here in town! He’s here tonight
for an exclusive interview – after these
messages.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
BRIAN
We’re back. Tonight I’m proud and honored
to be speaking with Mr. Merton ‘Croaky’
Felton, the last surviving member of the
legendary ‘Little Bastards’ – a gang of
child actors who took the world by storm
in the 1930’s. Welcome!
CROAKY
(ancient, out of breath)
Thank you. It’s good to be out of the
home. Especially on ‘Leftover Loaf’
night.
SAM
Hey, he’s got a dog with him! He looks
just like Snickers – the dog from the
movies!
CROAKY
Yes, yes. Say hello, Snickers.
SNICKERS
(ancient, out of breath)
Woof.
BRIAN
I’ve got to tell you, Mr. Felton...
CROAKY
Call me ‘Croaky.’
BRIAN
Are you sure?
CROAKY
It’s all I have.
BRIAN
All right – Croaky. When I was a kid
I loved all your movies. You and the
rest of the gang, having adventures.
You were just like me and my friends...
except for the polio, of course.
CROAKY
Yes, we had fun. So young and full of...
(breaks down in horrible coughing fit)
... life.
PONCH
Sam?
SAM
Not yet.
BRIAN
One thing that always amazed me was how
natural you all seemed. I know it’s hard
to get realistic performances out of
children, but you all seemed so genuine.
Especially in crying scenes. How’d you
do it?
CROAKY
In those days there weren’t any child
labor laws, so they could do whatever
it took. The first time they needed me
to cry they waited until right before
the camera rolled and told me my dog
Snickers had died.
SAM
That’s terrible!
CROAKY
But it worked! I came a gusher! They
couldn’t STOP the waterworks.
PONCH
How did you feel when they told you
Snickers was really alive?
CROAKY
Oh, no – they realized if I found out
Snickers was alive they’d never be able
to con me again. They didn’t want to be
seen as liars, so they killed him.
SAM
They what?!?
CROAKY
Afraid so. I went through a lot of dogs
when I was a kid... Isn’t that right,
‘Snickers 396?’
SNICKERS
Woof. (wheeze)
PONCH
Now, Sam?
SAM
(a little shaky)
Not quite.
BRIAN
Tell me a little about your character.
Why were you called ‘Croaky?’
CROAKY
I was smaller than the other kids, but
I could do a deep, gravelly voice. Was
funny. Mr. Flea...
BRIAN
Burt Flea, the producer?
CROAKY
Yeah. He used to make me swallow iron
shavings before every take and wash ‘em
down with lye.
BRIAN
Iron shavings...?
CROAKY
Like I said, no child labor laws. It’s
amazing I made it past 6, let alone all
the way to 89.
PONCH
I’ll give you credit, Brian – this IS
really interesting. Afraid the jury’s
still out on ‘wholesome,’ however.
BRIAN
We’ll be back after these messages to
ask Croaky about all the other actors
in the ‘Little Bastards’ gang.
CROAKY
Fuckin’ losers, every last one.
BRIAN
Just go to commercial.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
BRIAN
We’re back with Merton Felton, who went
by the name ‘Croaky’ when he was a member
of the ‘Little Bastards.’ Every kid had
a nickname that described who they were,
isn’t that right?
CROAKY
Yeah. There was Kenny ‘Pooper’ Hutchins,
Sherwood ‘Limpy’ Cullum, Donald ‘Sweetums’
DeBorba, Lorelei ‘Purty’ Darling, Buddy
‘Scoliosis’ Newmeyer, Durwood ‘Punchy’
Blotto and Billy ‘Tabbacy’ Taylor.
SAM
His nickname was ‘Tabbacy?’ Is that
because he...?
CROAKY
Chewed tobacco? Yeah. Billy was a good
kid. Polite. We lost him too young.
BRIAN
When did he pass away?
CROAKY
Let’s see... I believe he died from
mouth cancer when he was eight.
PONCH
So? Sam?
SAM
(voice quivering)
No, no – not quite yet.
BRIAN
One thing the group was famous for
was showing kids of all races and
genders playing together – that was
a first for audiences in the 30’s.
CROAKY
Oh, sure. There was ‘Darkie’...
(everyone GASPS)
... No, no – he was just always dirty.
There was ‘Jigaboo’...
(everyone GASPS)
... No, no – that was a dance craze at
the time. Totally innocent. And there
was ‘Nostrils’...
(no response)
... THAT’S the one you should gasp at.
They GROAN in disgust.
[SFX: A JAR OF COINS IS DUMPED ONTO THE CONSOLE.]
BRIAN
Sam! Why’d you dump that jar of pennies
onto the console?
SAM
(crying softly)
I have to count out ten dollars to give
to Ponch!
PONCH
Yes!!!
CROAKY
I know it sounds bad, but you have to
realize it was a different time. A
different, terrible time. Mr. Flea
actually loved the black people.
PONCH
Just like D.W. Griffith.
CROAKY
Who?
Brian is desperately trying to salvage this nightmare.
BRIAN
You haven’t mentioned the biggest ‘Little
Bastards’ of them all – Jimmy ‘Stanky’
McGillicuddy and Dickie ‘Wheatina’ Spitzer.
CROAKY
They were the audience favorites, all right.
Stanky was the chubby-faced butterball, and
Wheatina was the charming schemer. Everybody
loved those little moppets.
BRIAN
Did you have fun on the set?
CROAKY
With those bastards? Are you kidding? They
had to keep Stanky’s weight up – can’t be
the funny fat kid if you’re not fat. He
spent every spare second cramming food in
his face. It got to the point where they
were just feeding him bowls of straight
butter. Kid had three heart attacks before
his 10th birthday. And two more ON his 10th
birthday.
BRIAN
What about Wheatina? I bet he was fun to
be around.
CROAKY
Dickie ‘Wheatina’ Spitzer was the single
worst human being who has ever walked the
face of the Earth.
BRIAN
Come on, he was just a kid. He couldn’t
have been that bad.
CROAKY
When they stopped making the films in the
mid-30’s, Wheatina tried to join the Nazi
party. But they turned him down for being
too extreme.
SAM
Too extreme for Nazis? Isn’t that like
being too slutty for Charlie Sheen?
CROAKY
He spent the rest of his life in and
out of prison. Think of every horrible
crime from the 40’s through the early 70’s.
The Black Dahlia... the Boston Strangler...
the Zodiac... Scratch the surface and
odds are you’ll find Dickie ‘Wheatina’
Spitzer lurking somewhere just under the
surface.
PONCH
Okay, this is even starting to creep
me out.
BRIAN
What happened to him?
CROAKY
He was selling drugs in San Francisco
in 1977 and was killed when a deal went
bad. He was calling himself ‘Heroina’
then.
PONCH
Jeez, are there ANY positive stories
that came out of the ‘Little Bastards?’
CROAKY
Yeah. Me. Look at me. I’ve lived to be
89 years old. I had a loving wife and
three great kids. And I can say I was a
part of movie history. Sure, I still
occasionally pass an iron shaving, but
that’s a small price to pay. I’m doing
great!
[SFX: A LOUD CRASH AND THUD AS CROAKY FALLS FACE-FIRST ONTO THE FLOOR.]
BRIAN
Oh my God! Croaky! He’s... he’s DEAD.
PONCH
Well of course he is.
SAM
(positive, ‘Little Rascal-y’ delivery)
Gosh, it’s like he said, fellas – we
shouldn’t be sad. He lived a good, long
life.
BRIAN
And when he collapsed he fell on Snickers
396 – and HE’S dead, too!
SAM
(hysterical)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Sam WEEPS uncontrollably.
PONCH
Wow. That dog thing really DOES work.
I’m guessing we’re done here?
BRIAN
Oh, we’re done. I’m Brian Hanson...
PONCH
I’m Pontius Pilates...
SAM
(inconsolable, voice hitching)
A-a-a-and I-I-I’m S-s-sam W-wolf.
ALL
Goodnight!
[ENDING & OUTTRO.]