AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Ep. 30: 'America'
Here's where you can start to tell I'm running out of material for the 'radio interview' format the show had been using.
One positive attribute my contributions have made to SideShow Lounge is the difference in focus Michael and I bring to our scripts. Michael is very plot and character based, while I'm more concept oriented. That variety helps keep things fresh. Plus it means I can always rely on him to answer even my most obscure questions about Arfyne City and its citizens.
Being concept oriented, my favorite episodes are the ones where I can explore an idea - picking it apart logically to see how many jokes I can wring out of it. This is why I've written episodes featuring Cupid, Jesus, and now America. (I suppose it's also why episodes like DUN-DUN-DUNNNNNNN and Fair to Middling are less dear to my heart.)
Here's how you can tell I was running out of concept-driven 'interview' material - where the hell was I supposed to go from here? First Jesus, and now the entire country of America? What next? Mother Earth? (Something about how she's going through menopause and climate change is giving her hot flashes? Plus I guarantee the term 'bi-polar' would've made an appearance. And - in the words of Yul Brynner - etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.)
Naw, I'd kind of shot my wad in terms of concept-driven interviews. But hey - I went out with a doozy!
(And for the record, this episode has my favorite ending of any I've written. Go listen to the actual show, because what makes it work is the great line reading by Brian. Cracks me up every time.)
Air Date: May 25, 2014
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Episode #030
“AMERICA”
Written by:
David Hines
OPEN: SSL THEME
BRIAN
You’re listening to SideShow
Lounge, live on KRFYN Radio,
121.5 FM. I’m Brian Hanson,
along with Sam Wolf and Pontius
Pilates. Remember – freedom isn’t
free... and it’s not dumb, either.
So I have no idea why that word is
that way.
[Theme music ends.]
PONCH
I’m Pontius Pilates. Call me “Ponch.”
SAM
And I’m Sam Wolf. You seem awfully
dressed-up today, Brian. Sans-A-Belt
slacks, your black velvet suit coat...
and is that an American flag cravat?
BRIAN
It is indeed. Because today I am proud
to introduce the most important guest
we – or any other talk show – has ever
had. And HE contacted US. Suck it,
Charlie Rose.
PONCH
Wow, a cravat. You’re not kidding around.
Who’s coming in? Hugh Hefner? The ghost
of Rex Harrison? The ghost of Hugh Hefner?
SAM
Not ghosts again? Oh, I feel the moistness
coming on...
BRIAN
Ugh – see what you did? It’s not any of
those – and it’s NOT a ghost, Sam.
SAM
Too late.
BRIAN
I’m not messing around. We actually have
an important guest and you guys need to
show some respect.
PONCH
Okay, I’ll play along. Is it, I dunno,
Bill Gates?
BRIAN
Small potatoes.
PONCH
The Pope?
BRIAN
C’mon. Think big.
SAM
Is it the head of the shape-shifting
lizard people who live underground
and secretly control the world’s
wealth and politics and mice population?
BRIAN
The what now?
SAM
I’ll take that as a ‘no.’ I’ve said
too much.
PONCH
So who is it? Who’s bigger than Bill
Gates or the Pope?
SAM
Or Lord Borugon the Bitey? Shoot. Sorry!
Disregard.
BRIAN
Uh... it’s none of them. Tonight we’ll
be interviewing, for the first time
anywhere – America!
PONCH
America who?
BRIAN
Not who. America. THE America.
PONCH
America the country? Purple-mountains-
majesty-above-the-fruited-plains America?
BRIAN
The very one.
PONCH
How is that even possible? I’d have an
easier time believing we’re interviewing
Lord Borugon.
SAM
The Bitey. Dang it! Nothing! Sitting
quietly.
BRIAN
It’s not only possible, it’s happening.
Right after these messages.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
BRIAN
We’re back in the SideShow Lounge, where
we are honored and privileged to welcome
tonight’s guest – The United States of
America!
AMERICA
Dude, please, just call me America. No
need to be formal, we’re all bros here.
PONCH
This is... weird. Even for us. So you’re
really America?
AMERICA
Yup. I mean, I could say something like I’m
the ‘Spirit of America,’ but that just makes
me sound like some shitty Lee Greenwood song.
BRIAN
We’re thrilled to have you with us for
your first ever interview.
AMERICA
Hey, Brian - ask not what your country
can do for you, ask what you can do for
your country.
BRIAN
Yeah, that was awesome.
(awkward silence)
Oh! Can I do something for you?
AMERICA
A glass of water would be cool.
BRIAN
Of course!
[SFX: BRIAN POURS GLASS OF WATER FROM PITCHER.]
AMERICA
Thanks. Seems like I’m always thirsty
lately, what with that stupid drought
in the mid-west.
SAM
My country, right or wrong!
AMERICA
Uh... thanks?
SAM
No, I’m asking - which one is it? I’ve
always wondered.
AMERICA
Um, both I suppose.
SAM
Oh. Well that doesn’t make any sense...
BRIAN
So if you’re able to come here and talk
to us... are ALL countries like you?
AMERICA
Totally. We used to be a lot closer – one
big, happy continent. But over time we just
kinda drifted apart.
PONCH
Do you have any good dirt on the other
countries? What about Europe? That’s
got to be a clusterfuck.
BRIAN
Ponch!
AMERICA
Naw, man, he’s right. It took forever to
get them to cool it with the whole world
domination trip – the one country ruling
everybody thing. Germany was an especially
slow learner.
PONCH
How about Canada?
AMERICA
Canada’s cool. A great neighbor. Quiet,
polite, clean.
(aside)
Some of the other countries think he may
be gay.
BRIAN
This is fascinating. What about Mexico?
AMERICA
Oh, dude! Mexico’s a blast! And an awesome
cook. It’s weird, though – we, like, totally
get along and everything, but I always feel
there’s a little bit of resentment on his
part. Which is bizarre because I let him hang
out, clean up, do the gardening – I don’t
get what his deal is.
PONCH
Okay, here’s one – how about the Middle
East?
AMERICA
Ugh, don’t get me started. It’s like having
a friend who lives in a lousy neighborhood.
I keep telling Israel he should move, but he
keeps insisting that HE shouldn’t have to
move, THEY should have to move. It’s a drag.
BRIAN
This is all very interesting, but I don’t
think you asked to be on the show to talk
about other countries.
AMERICA
Yeah, no, you’re right. I guess I should
quit stalling. I came here to make a
difficult personal announcement – beginning
today I’m going into rehab. High five! No?
Nobody?
BRIAN
Rehab? For what?
AMERICA
Kind of everything.
SAM
Loose lips sink ships!
AMERICA
Excuse me?
SAM
Do they? Because if they do, why do we
spend so much money on bombs and stuff?
BRIAN
(cutting in)
When people go into rehab they’re trying
to overcome addictions. What are YOU trying
to overcome?
AMERICA
Pretty much the same thing. I need to drink
less, take fewer drugs, eat healthier, become
more tolerant, be less quick to anger, better
hygiene probably wouldn’t be a bad idea...
BRIAN
We’ve got to pause for this commercial
break, but we’ll return to find out what
led America to his life-changing decision.
AMERICA
And porn. I seriously have to cut back
on the porn.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
BRIAN
We’re back with America, who has revealed
his plans to enter rehab. Why are you
taking this step, and why now?
AMERICA
I always thought I was this self-made, lift-
myself-up-by-my-bootstraps kinda dude... but
all the other countries treat me like I’m the
douchey rich kid in a John Hughes movie.
SAM
Remember Pearl Harbor!
AMERICA
Okay.
[A PAUSE.]
SAM
Are you done?
AMERICA
Yeah.
SAM
Cool.
AMERICA
(returning to train of thought)
I was ON FIRE, dudes – especially in the 50’s!
Then for some reason I got cocky and started
picking fights with Asians. And lemme tell ya,
those little fuckers are scrappy! Then the 60’s
are all just a haze, and the 70’s – have you
SEEN pictures of me in the 70’s? I don’t know
WHAT the hell I was thinking!
PONCH
You’re not alone there, man.
AMERICA
In the 80’s all I thought about was making
money and partying, and ever since then...
Well, you know the deal. I feel like I’ve
been kind of all over the place.
BRIAN
Let it out. You’re in a safe space here.
AMERICA
I used to get wasted and boast I was the
most powerful empire ever. Italy, Egypt
and China would just laugh at me. Buncha
jerks. Those guys can all kiss my Grand
Canyon.
SAM
Don’t tread on me!
BRIAN
Sam! Enough already!
SAM
No, Ponch just ran over my foot with his
chair!
PONCH
Oh, sorry.
AMERICA
I hardly recognize myself anymore. With all
those Waffle Houses I’m getting fat around
the Bible Belt, and it seems like I’m totally
obsessed with sex. But hey, sometimes we ALL
think with our Floridas, am I right, bros?
PONCH
That’s what I’m sayin’.
AMERICA
Plus, it’s a pisser when every movie or book
about corruption and cynicism uses your
name in the title. How would you guys like
it if someone put out a movie called ‘Brian
Gangster,’ or ‘Sam Psycho,’ or ‘Ponch Gigolo?’
BRIAN & SAM
He’d like that.
PONCH
I would. I’d like that.
AMERICA
(speechifying)
Anyway, that’s why I’ve decided to clean up,
get in shape and live up to my potential! To
become a kinder, more thoughtful, less judgmental
America. An America free of gluttony and lust and
sloth and addiction. An America without hate or
violence, where nobody is excluded for the color
of their skin, their sexual preferences or their
gender! Who’s with me?
BRIAN
(fired up)
I’m with you, Mr. America!
PONCH
(fired up)
Right behind you 110%!
SAM
(doesn’t know why he’s fired up)
What’s ‘gender?’
AMERICA
I knew if I came on the air and announced
my intentions everyone would join me.
Together we can make me the greatest
country on Earth – indeed, the greatest
country the world has ever seen!
BRIAN
God bless you, America!
PONCH
Land of the free and home of the brave!
SAM
The happiest place on Earth!
BRIAN
(riding high)
Thus ends an historical night here in the
SideShow Lounge. I’d like to thank America
for enriching and inspiring us with his
courage, resolve and determination, and to
wish him godspeed on his trip to rehab!
I’m proud American Brian Hanson...
PONCH
I’m Patriotic Pontius Pilates...
SAM
And I’m sitting-in-my-own-moisture Sam Wolf.
ALL
Goodnight!
[SLIGHT PAUSE AS SHOW GOES OFF THE AIR. THEN...]
AMERICA
So - you dudes know where I can score some
crystal meth around here?
BRIAN
Oh, for fuck’s sake...
[IMMEDIATE CUT INTO ENDING & OUTTRO.]