AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Ep. 33: 'Itchy McNipples Used Sweater Warehouse'
Okay, look - it's not all Divine Inspiration.
Why did I write this ad? Because the name 'Itchy McNipples' made me laugh for some reason. And what would a guy named Itchy McNipples sell? Dirty, scratchy old sweaters. Duh.
And that's it.
That's the entire reason I did it.
Why'd I make someone with a Scottish name Jewish? (I would LOVE to see the McNipples Clan family crest, by the way.) What - there can't be Scottish Jews, you bigot?
No, no. Once again I did it because it amused me to do so. And because I knew Michael would be funny performing it.
So okay. There it is.
Sometimes it's just fun to be silly.
Air Date: June 15, 2014
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Episode #033
“Itchy McNipples Ad”
Written by:
David Hines
ITCHY McNIPPLES
(inexplicably, a Brooklyn Jew)
Global warming? Hah! Global colding, more like.
As the world spins irretrievably toward ecological
disaster, what can you do about it? Use less gas
and oil? Recycle bottles, cans and paper goods?
Bury the bodies of your enemies in a compost heap
instead of a hole in the desert? Sure, you COULD
do all those things – but will it REALLY make a
difference in your everyday life?
No. No it will not.
What WILL guard you against the terrible climate
changes destined to kill everyone you know and love?
Buy a sweater.
I’m Itchy McNipples, owner of ‘Itchy McNipples’
Used Sweater Warehouse.’ We specialize in refurbished
sweaters and sweater-like clothing. We dig ‘em out
of the dumpster behind the Salvation Army and pass
the savings on to you! A quick hosing off, a spritz
of Pine Sol, some artfully placed duct tape and voila!
Good as new for a fraction of the original price.
We have every kind of sweater you can think of –
cashmeres, cardigans, cable knits... I’m not gonna
name ‘em all. They’re cozy, they’re warm, they’ll
make you look like a boring schmuck. Whaddaya want,
they’re sweaters, not tuxedos.
Fight climate change the only way that makes
sense – the way that affects you personally.
Buy a used sweater from ‘Itchy McNipples’ Used
Sweater Warehouse,’ on the corner of Cherry and
Galina in Arfyne City. Call ‘em ‘Recycled Sweaters’
if it makes you feel better. That way your friends
will think you care about the planet, and it’ll
explain the weird smell. Go, team!