AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Ep. 33: 'Shittin' Johnny'
This one's special.
Amongst a small circle of friends, Shittin' Johnny has been a part of our personal mythology for over a decade. He's loosely based on an actual Civil War-era ancestor that surfaced during one friend's genealogy research (they don't advertise THESE kinds of discoveries on Ancestry.com). Upon hearing the reasons for his release from the Union Army I immediately dubbed him 'Shittin' Johnny.' Because that's the kind of excellent friend I am.
Over the years we came up with stories about Shittin' Johnny and his exploits during the Civil War. The brown line in Gettysburg... using his special talents to win battles... his oft-repeated call to his brothers-in-arms ("Hey, you guys! Wait up!"). Because that's the kind of respectful friends we are.
During these conversations, Steve Grieger would often insist we should write a song - The Ballad of Shittin' Johnny. I agreed that yes, we should! And would then promptly forget about it until the next time we poked fun at our good friend's lineage.
This exact scenario literally went on for years. Until one day, out of the blue, I woke up with the chorus for The Ballad of Shittin' Johnny running through my head. I jotted it down, then e-mailed Grieger a "Ha ha, look what I just came up with" letter. Grieger e-mailed back that he'd actually written the entire first verse of the song some time ago.
And we were off.
Soon we had the lyrics to the song. But here's the problem with lyrics - without music, they're just a crummy poem. To make it a song you need music. Now, personally, I have the musical talent of Mike Ditka. Luckily, Grieger had been teaching himself to play guitar for the past couple years, and offered to step up and compose the tune. "Great!" I said.
"Uh-oh," I thought.
See, I'd never actually heard Grieger play. I mean, I was confident he could strum along to the favorite hits of the 70's, but had no idea whether he could actually WRITE music.
A few weeks later Grieger came to my place, guitar and sheet music in hand, ready to play me The Ballad of Shittin' Johnny for the first time. Smile frozen in place, I watched as he prepared, hoping beyond hope that it'd be good.
It wasn't.
It was great.
My first thought was "We have to record this!" My second thought was, "I know a bunch of guys with recording equipment!" So I approached Michael with the thought of basing an entire episode on our Shittin' Johnny mythology, capping it all off with the song. He liked the idea - particularly the idea of debuting an original piece of live music on the show, which we'd never done.
So here it is. A decade in the making. Get your toe-tappin' shoes on.
Air Date: June 15, 2014
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Episode #033
“SHITTIN’ JOHNNY”
Written by:
David Hines
'The Ballad of Shittin' Johnny Wink'
Music by: Steve Grieger
Lyrics by: David Hines & Steve Grieger
OPEN: SSL THEME
BRIAN
You’re listening to SideShow
Lounge, live on KRFYN Radio,
121.5 FM. I’m Brian Hanson,
along with Sam Wolf and Pontius
Pilates. We can do this the easy
way, or we can do it the hard
way – it’s up to you.
[Theme music ends.]
PONCH
I’m Pontius Pilates. Call me “Ponch.”
SAM
(excited)
And I’m Sam Wolf.
BRIAN
Are you okay, Sam? You seem more
fidgety than usual. Did you forget
your pre-show wee?
SAM
Nope! I’m just excited because I
have exciting news that is very
exciting and I’m excited to tell
you!
PONCH
Is it about the lizard people again?
SAM
Nope!
BRIAN
Or how aliens control major league
baseball?
SAM
Nope!
PONCH
Or how global warming is a plot
by Disney Cruise Lines to increase
business?
SAM
Nope! All those things are true, of
course, but that’s not my exciting
news.
BRIAN
Okay, I’ll bite – what’s your big,
exciting news, Sam?
SAM
Gosh, Brian, thanks for asking! You
guys remember how a couple months
ago I hired a professor to research
my genealogy and find out if there’s
anyone famous in my family tree?
BRIAN & PONCH
No.
SAM
Sure ya do! Anyway, he called me last
night and said he discovered something
really interesting, and I invited him
on the show so he could tell me while
we’re on the air!
BRIAN
And you didn’t feel like maybe you should
share this programming information with, I
don’t know, your BOSS?
SAM
Nope! So without any further ado about
nothing I’d like to introduce Professor
Franklin P. Nudpocker!
PROF. NUDPOCKER
Hello.
BOTH BRIAN AND PONCH LET OUT YELPS OF SURPRISE.
PONCH
What the hell?
BRIAN
Were you there the whole time?
PROF. NUDPOCKER
I don’t make much of an initial impression.
SAM
Enough chit-chat, Professor. What did
you find? Am I related to royalty? A
movie star? A mass murderer?
PONCH
My money’s on that third one.
PROF. NUDPOCKER
Well, Mr. Wolf, I was able to track
your lineage back over 150 years. Your
ancestors were mostly apprentices,
trainees, interns and protégés.
SAM
I come from a long line of sidekicks.
PROF. NUDPOCKER
I did, however, find that one of your
ancestors fought in the American Civil
War.
SAM
(apprehensive)
Which side?
PROF. NUDPOCKER
The North.
SAM
(relieved)
Oh thank God.
PROF. NUDPOCKER
Yes, that’s a common reaction. His name
was Johnny Wink, and he was a private in
the Union Army, having participated in a
number of famous battles.
SAM
How about that, guys! I’m descended
from a Civil War hero!
PONCH
Were there any mass murders committed
around the sites of those battles?
BRIAN
Ponch – c’mon. This is great, Sam. So
this Johnny Wink, he was a brave soldier
with a heroic military record?
PROF. NUDPOCKER
Well, the records I uncovered indicate
that Private Wink was discharged in
August of 1863 for what was described
as ‘chronic diarrhea.’
THERE IS A MOMENT OF SILENCE... BEFORE BRIAN AND PONCH DISSOLVE INTO HYSTERICS.
PONCH
‘Discharged?’ He was ‘discharged’ for
diarrhea?
BRIAN
You know, now that you mention it, I
DO see a family resemblance!
SAM
Hey, come on you guys! This isn’t funny!
PROF. NUDPOCKER
No, records indicate that it IS funny.
BRIAN AND PONCH CONTINUE TO LAUGH.
BRIAN
I think this is a good time to take
a break. So if any of you want to RUN
to the kitchen...
PONCH
... to make a POOP SMOOTHIE...
BRIAN
... with some HERSHEYS SQUIRTED on it,
now would be a good time.
SAM
You guys are shitheads.
WHICH PROMPTS A RENEWED BURST OF LAUGHTER.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
BRIAN
(still chuckling, but in control)
We’re back in the SideShow Lounge with
Professor Franklin P. Nudpocker, who is
giving us SPURTS of information about
Sam’s Civil War ancestor.
PONCH
(to Brian - trying not to laugh)
Shut up, shut up.
SAM
Professor Nudpocker, you said that Johnny
Wink fought in many famous battles? He
must have done SOMETHING good, right?
PROF. NUDPOCKER
Actually – yes. The more I uncovered about
Johnny Wink, the more amazing his story
became. It turns out he played a major role
in the Union victory at Antietam.
SAM
Really?
PROF. NUDPOCKER
Absolutely. Private Wink is credited with
turning the tide in a skirmish that became
known in the North as ‘The Battle of Brown
River.’ It’s there that he earned his nickname:
‘Shittin’ Johnny Wink.’
BRIAN
That can’t be real.
PROF. NUDPOCKER
But it is. In fact, in 1892 a Historical
Marker was erected at the site of the
battle – and concurrent flood – to honor
Shittin’ Johnny’s heroism.
SAM
Wow! I’d love to see that – is it still
there?
PROF. NUDPOCKER
Sadly, no. It was torn down in 1967 to
make way for a sewage treatment facility.
A lasting tribute in its own way.
PONCH
(skeptical)
You said he fought in a bunch of battles.
Like which ones specifically?
PROF. NUDPOCKER
Mostly smaller engagements you wouldn’t
know by name. But he WAS at the Battle
of Gettysburg in July of 1863.
PONCH
Gettysburg. I suppose he was some big hero
that we’ve never heard about there, too?
PROF. NUDPOCKER
Yes, he was. After retreating through
town on the first day – single-handedly
slowing the Rebel advance – he was stationed
at the summit of Little Round Top, where
he is credited with influencing the battle
in favor of the North.
SAM
What’d he do? What’d he do?
PROF. NUDPOCKER
Legend is he released a stream of filth
that flowed downhill into the rocks
where the Rebs had taken cover, causing
them to abandon the position. There’s
a reason that area came to be known as
‘Devil’s Den.’
PONCH
Okay – I call bullshit. This all sounds
like – sorry – a bunch of crap.
SAM
Oh yeah? You wanna share stories about
ancestors – Fritz Gunther Freiderich
HITLER?
PONCH
Point taken.
PROF. NUDPOCKER
What?!? YOU’RE Fritz Gunther Freiderich
Hitler? The lost great, great grandnephew
of Adolf Hitler? This... this is an amazing
find! If I could just interview you for a
paper on...
PONCH
Move along, egghead.
BRIAN
So if Shittin’ Johnny was such a hero,
how come there’s no mention of him in
the history books?
PROF. NUDPOCKER
It’s simple, really. The South was so
humiliated by the nature of their defeats
they never mentioned it in any of their
reports. And while the North was initially
proud of their great victories, as years
passed they too became ashamed of the
details of the battles and systematically
had them wiped from the history books.
BRIAN
‘Wiped.’ Nice.
PROF. NUDPOCKER
Thanks.
SAM
(sadly)
So there’s NO records of him being a
hero?
PROF. NUDPOCKER
There are – if you know where to look.
In Gettysburg to this day there are
subtle tributes to Shittin’ Johnny.
PONCH
Another sewage plant? An outhouse factory?
A Barnes & Noble?
PROF. NUDPOCKER
If you walk through town you can follow
a painted blue line on the sidewalk to
trace the path of the Union soldiers. If
you follow a grey line you can walk in the
footsteps of the Rebels. And if you follow
the brown line on the sidewalk you can
follow the trail left by Johnny.
SAM
That’s amazing! So I could go to Gettysburg
and follow the exact path my ancestor took
during the battle?
PROF. NUDPOCKER
Yes, but it’s not as straightforward as the
others – Johnny’s line tends to duck behind
bushes and trees and chicken coops and the
like.
PONCH
That’s it? That’s his big legacy? A brown
line?
PROF. NUDPOCKER
That’s not the only proof of his heroism.
I’ve found an extremely rare item that I
believe Sam and your listeners will be very
interested in.
BRIAN
Okay, then. Why don’t you show that to
us after the break.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
BRIAN
We’re back with Professor Nudpocker,
who claims to have rare evidence of
the heroism of Sam’s Civil War ancestor,
Shittin’ Johnny Wink.
PROF. NUDPOCKER
It seems two soldiers who served alongside
Johnny wanted to make sure his unique
talents and contributions to the Northern
cause would never be forgotten. So they
wrote a song – ‘The Ballad of Shittin’
Johnny Wink.’
SAM
A song? Like with words and music and
singing and clapping and forgetting the
words and then mostly just clapping?
PROF. NUDPOCKER
Uh... yes? It was written by mess Corporal
Steven ‘Cookie’ Grieger and Private Davey
‘Crybaby’ Hines in the latter part of 1863,
after Johnny was sent home. And I was able
to procure the only known recording of it
in existence.
SAM
Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Can we
play it?
PROF. NUDPOCKER
It’s fragile, but I believe so. It was
recorded by ‘Cookie’ Grieger’s grandson,
‘Grumpus’ Grieger, in 1927. One side of
the record is ‘The Ballad of Shittin’
Johnny Wink,’ while the flip-side contains
another of ‘Cookie’s’ songs entitled, ‘On
Second Thought, Maybe Ol’ Jeff Davis Had
A Point.’
BRIAN
We’re not going to play that.
PROF. NUDPOCKER
I wouldn’t advise it. We think it was
written a few years after the war, when
‘Cookie’ had trouble finding work.
SAM
Can we put it on? Brian! Brian! Can we
play it?
BRIAN
All right, all right – don’t Johnny Wink
your pants.
PONCH
Nice.
BRIAN
Thanks. So here it is – for the first
time anywhere – ‘The Ballad of Shittin’
Johnny Wink.’
[SFX: A NEEDLE DROPS INTO THE GROOVE OF A 78 RPM RECORD. THE SONG THAT FOLLOWS SOUNDS SCRATCHY AND POPPY, LIKE A RECORD FROM THE LATE 20’S WOULD. BUT THE SONG IS INTACT.]
‘GRUMPUS’ GRIEGER
(on record – sings accompanying self on guitar)
O, where you be a-goin’ to, Shittin’ Johnny Wink?
The Rebels are a-comin’ and you’ve no time to think.
To stand and fight alone, would be above your rank.
But your long johns are a-growin’ dirty, dark and dank.
Chorus:
He’s Shittin’! He’s Shittin’!
He’s Shittin’ Johnny Wink!
From Gettysburg to Vicksburg -
He always made a stink!
Johnny was a fightin’ man, brave and strong and true.
It takes a hero to face the Rebs while holding in his poo.
He fought through Rebel bullets, cannonade and bayonets.
But the villain finally felled him low was his damnable IBS.
[Repeat chorus]
He was a model soldier, a dedicated man.
Johnny may have had the runs but he never turned and ran.
He never kept a journal, no paper holds his tale.
He used it all to wipe his ass at the end of ev’ry trail.
[Repeat chorus, then quick strum]
The battle is a-ragin’, but there ain’t no hide nor hair.
Where has Johnny got to? - he ain’t no longer there.
I seen him headin’ for cover, quick as you could please.
Squattin’ behind some bushes, pants below his knees.
[Repeat chorus]
Johnny never fired a shot, his rifle good as new.
But the Rebels hated Johnny for the other things he’d do.
T’weren’t no bush nor tree nor shed that didn’t bear his sign.
The biggest cannon in the Union Army was Johnny Wink’s behind.
[Repeat chorus, then quick strum]
He fouled the Rebel water holes so they daren’t take a drink.
They could not leave the trail lest they step into his stink.
It got onto their blankets, in their backpacks and their boots.
They’d rather face a minie ball than the foulness Johnny shoots.
[Repeat chorus]
(slowly)
The surgeon discharged Johnny, showing him the door.
Not knowing t’was Johnny’s discharge would help us win this war.
Johnny, he is gone now, to him we raise a cup.
His battle cry rings in our ears - “Hey you guys, wait up!”
[Repeat chorus x2]
Outro:
From Gettysburg to Vicksburg (pause), he always made a stink.
[SFX: NEEDLE HITS THE END GROOVE IN THE RECORD. BRIAN LIFTS THE NEEDLE.]
BRIAN
I’ve got to admit, that’s pretty cool,
Sam.
SAM
Thanks, Brian!
BRIAN
What do you think, Ponch? Ponch...? Are
you... are you crying?
PONCH
(sniffling softly)
That was the most beautiful thing I’ve
ever heard. The only nice song about my
family is ‘Deutschland Uber Alles.’
SAM
That’s a nice song, too, Ponch.
PONCH
Thanks, Sam.
BRIAN
All right, before we all start singing
‘Kumbaya,’ I’m gonna call it a night.
For SideShow Lounge, I’m Brian Hanson...
PONCH
... I’m Pontius Pilates...
SAM
... And I’m Shittin’ Sam Wolf!
ALL
Goodnight!
[ENDING & OUTRO.]