AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Ep. 33: 'Vigora'
The return of John Rhys-Davies!
In the Misty Dew ad we had him pitching feminine hygiene junk, so in the interest of equal time I decided he should sell a product aimed at men's junk. Literally.
Enter Toxichem with their newest product 'Vigora' - a combination penis enhancer and boner pill. Which, in keeping with most of Toxichem's products, would seem to have a few horrifying side effects.
I love writing for John Rhys-Davies. Excuse me - 'John Rhys-Davies.' It's just so much fun making him say terrible things in that deep, luscious baritone. I love it so much he's become a citizen of Arfyne City, and will continue to appear in SideShow Lounge episodes as long as he keeps making me laugh.
Which, I suspect, will be quite a long time.
Air Date: June 15, 2014
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Episode #033
“Vigora Ad”
Written by:
David Hines
JOHN RHY-DAVIES
(singing)
“No man wants to be caught short -
It’s a matter a masculine pride!
Take a Vigora and she’ll never again
have to ask if you’re inside!”
Hello! John Rhys-Davies again, speaking
on behalf of Vigora, the combination penis
enhancer and boner pill from Toxichem. You
may know me as Sallah from the ‘Indiana Jones’
trilogy, or Gimli the Dwarf from the ‘Lord of
the Rings’ trilogy, or as Rudi Von Kseenbaum
from ‘The Double-O Kid.’
Like everything you do is so great.
Is your penis more wiggly than the snakes
in the Well of Souls? Is your little man
more stubby, hairy dwarf than tall, regal
elf? Then swallow your pride and 3 to 8
Vigoras to add length as well as staying
power to the sad flap of skin currently
stuck to your inner thigh. Other, similar
products warn against an erection lasting
more than 4 hours – Vigora guarantees it!
I took a handful three days ago and STILL
have the most brutal and unmerciful erection
of my life! The pain is excruciating and I’ve
been seeing dots for 17 straight hours, but
I’ve never felt more like a man!
So come, gentlemen! Be harder than Treebeard
and longer than ‘The Return of the King.’
(low, confidential)
And LIKE ‘Return of the King,’ she’ll
never quite know when you’re done.
(singing)
“She’ll never again reject your advance
Claiming to have a headache.
Should I be tasting metal and hearing
the sea?
Please, God, call a paramedic!”