AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Ep. 38: 'Area 52'
Here we go - the first of my non-radio station interview scripts. And much like the first script I ever wrote for the show (All in the Family Ties) you can see me scuffling a bit to figure out just how to make the format work.
See, I wrote movies for a very long time, and I tend to think cinematically - I'm more comfortable structuring material and jokes visually than any other way. It's habit at this point. I'm Pavlov's Writer.
Writing the radio interview episodes wasn't very difficult to grasp, as it was essentially a bunch of people sitting in a room gabbing. Any more 'visual' jokes were pretty easily communicated through the use of sound effects.
But being free from the limitations of the interview format had a big, scary drawback - we were free from the limitations of the interview format. As a writer it always sounds great when you're told you have endless options, but it never really is. Give someone two choices and they'll figure things out pretty quickly - give them a million choices and they're gonna spend a lot of time staring at walls. I spent a lot of time staring at walls.
One concept I enjoyed was the idea that Igor's castle is like Snoopy's doghouse - doesn't matter how it looks on the outside, inside there are endless rooms each containing whatever we could dream up. So I dreamed up Area 52 - Area 51's ghetto little brother with an inferiority complex. Figured I could get some silly jokes out of that, and I was right.
Where you can tell I wasn't comfortable with writing a radio play in which people move around and we cut from location to location is in my use of a narrator. In my defense, I knew I was using it as a crutch and was able to twist it so it wasn't your typical narrator-type situation. Plus he even gets his ass kicked and told to scram at the end, as my less-than-subtle acknowledgement that he was a one-time thing and wouldn't be back.
I'm only consciously hacky until I get things figured out.
Air Date: July 27, 2014
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Episode #38
“AREA 52”
Written by:
David Hines
A NARRATOR SPEAKS SOMBERLY.
NARRATOR
We join Brian and Ponch as they
stroll down one of the many
endless hallways in Igor’s castle...
[SFX: FOOTSTEPS.]
BRIAN
You’re nuts – Jar Jar Binks is
NOT Luke Skywalker’s real father.
PONCH
Oh yeah? Then explain that scene in
‘Attack of the Clones’ where he and
Padme get caught...
[SFX: THEIR CONVERSATION IS CUT OFF BY MUFFLED ELECTRICAL SOUNDS, LIKE A VAN DE GRAAFF GENERATOR. FOOTSTEPS STOP.]
NARRATOR
Ponch is cut off by strange sounds
emanating from behind a closed door.
He and Brian stop, exchanging puzzled
looks...
BRIAN
What is that?
PONCH
I don’t know. It sounds like some crazy
laboratory in a 50’s horror movie.
[SFX: A DOORKNOB RATTLES.]
NARRATOR
Brian tries to open the door, only
to find it locked...
BRIAN
Damn. I want to know what’s in there.
If only we had the key.
[SFX: KEYS RATTLING.]
PONCH
What makes you think I don’t?
BRIAN
Where’d you get those?
PONCH
They’re Igor’s. In case you haven’t
noticed, he’s not very observant.
NARRATOR
Meanwhile, in another part of the
Castle...
[SFX: MUFFLED ELECTRICAL SOUNDS CEASE, REPLACED BY RUSTLING SOUNDS AS IGOR SEARCHES FOR HIS KEYS.]
IGOR
Where mayhaps have I left my gigantric
ring of keys for the locking and the
unlocking of the Castle doors? I seem
to have placed them somewhere other than
the place where I am now searching, woe
is me. Oh, were I but more observant.
[SFX: RUSTLING SOUNDS CEASE, REPLACED BY MUFFLED ELECTRICAL SOUNDS.]
NARRATOR
Meanwhile, back in the hallway...
BRIAN
How can you tell which key goes to
this door? There must be a hundred
keys on that ring.
PONCH
Yeah, but they’re all the same. I
don’t think Igor knows the difference
between a ‘master’ key and ‘Dr.
Master’s’ keys.
[SFX: MUFFLED ELECTRICAL SOUNDS CEASE, REPLACED BY RUSTLING SOUNDS AS IGOR SEARCHES FOR HIS KEYS.]
IGOR
I do not.
[SFX: RUSTLING SOUNDS CEASE, REPLACED BY MUFFLED ELECTRICAL SOUNDS. PONCH INSERTS A KEY IN THE LOCK, THE HEAVY WOODEN DOOR OPENING WITH A SQUEAL. THE ELECTRICAL SOUNDS ARE NO LONGER MUFFLED.]
NARRATOR
Ponch unlocks the door, opening it
to reveal a huge, cavernous space
filled with bizarre scientific
equipment, strange beasts in cages,
and weird futuristic technology
that can only be described as alien
in origin...
BRIAN
What the... Look at all the bizarre
scientific equipment...
PONCH
... The strange beasts in cages...
BRIAN
... And the weird futuristic technology
that can only be described as alien in
origin...
[SFX: FOOTSTEPS RAPIDLY APPROACH.]
NARRATOR
A man wearing a white lab coat
quickly approaches...
SCIENTIST
What are you doing in here? Shoo!
Shoo shoo shoo!
PONCH
What is this place?
SCIENTIST
Classified, that’s what it is.
Top secret. How’d you get in here,
anyway? Who sent you?
BRIAN
Uh, we’re friends of Igor’s.
SCIENTIST
Igor? Oh! Well why didn’t you say
so? How’s he doing these days?
PONCH
He’s fine. He seems to have misplaced
his keys.
[SFX: ELECTRICAL SOUNDS CEASE, REPLACED BY RUSTLING SOUNDS AS IGOR SEARCHES FOR HIS KEYS.]
IGOR
Yes I have.
[SFX: RUSTLING SOUNDS CEASE, REPLACED BY ELECTRICAL SOUNDS.]
BRIAN
What IS this place? And all this
stuff?
SCIENTIST
Hang on.
NARRATOR
The Scientist steps to a large Van
de Graaff generator, unplugging it
from the wall...
[SFX: THE ELECTRICAL SOUNDS WIND DOWN AND CEASE.]
SCIENTIST
Ugh, enough of that thing! All
day long. You wouldn’t BELIEVE
the headaches I get...
PONCH
Then why do you keep it on?
SCIENTIST
Ambience.
BRIAN
So what is this place? Some kind
of laboratory?
PONCH
Yeah! Are you a MAD scientist?
SCIENTIST
No, mostly peeved. This is all a
secret government project. Gentlemen,
welcome to Area 52.
NARRATOR
Brian and Ponch exchange startled
looks. Ponch turns back to the
Scientist excitedly...
PONCH
Area 52? Like Area 51, with aliens and
spaceships and top secret military
stuff?
SCIENTIST
I wish. Area 51 gets all the cool
stuff. We get stuck with all the
weird crap.
BRIAN
Weirder than aliens and spaceships?
SCIENTIST
C’mon, I’ll show you around...
[SFX: FOOTSTEPS.]
NARRATOR
The Scientist leads Brian and Ponch
deeper into the strange and mysterious
room...
SCIENTIST
And for the record? Area 51 – totally
overrated. If they’re supposed to be
this big secret base, how come every
nut with a conspiracy blog knows exactly
where they are? Huh? I’ll tell you why –
lack of discipline! Well not Area 52!
No sir! You don’t see nutbags just
walking into Area 52 willy nilly!
PONCH
Except for us.
SCIENTIST
Well sure, except for you.
[SFX: FOOTSTEPS STOP. A VOICE WITH AN IRISH ACCENT CAN BE HEARD MUTTERING THE WORDS “SURE AND BEGORRAH” OVER AND OVER IN THE B.G.]
BRIAN
Oh my God. That’s... that’s a leprechaun!
SCIENTIST
Yup. In the flesh.
BRIAN
I never thought they were actually real!
SCIENTIST
The government caught one in 1934 to use
in an early cloning experiment. They
thought every cloned leprechaun would
produce a new pot o’ gold at the end of
a rainbow.
PONCH
Lemme guess – this was during the Depression,
right? They thought they could solve the
country’s money problems by amassing all
this leprechaun gold.
SCIENTIST
Exactly. Unfortunately the cloning process
was primitive, and the cloned leprechauns
didn’t produce new pots o’ gold. Just pots o’
ear wax for some reason.
BRIAN
1934, huh? How old IS this guy?
SCIENTIST
Oh, that’s not the original leprechaun.
He died in the 1960’s. Beat himself to
death with his own shillelagh. This is
one of the clones.
BRIAN
I don’t get it. If there’s no gold
why do you keep cloning them?
SCIENTIST
We discovered you can squeeze them down
into goo to make toothpaste.
[SFX: FOOTSTEPS RESUME. THE LEPRECHAUN’S MUTTERING FADES.]
NARRATOR
Brian and Ponch follow the Scientist
to a stable, where they see...
BRIAN & PONCH
(in awe)
A unicorn!
[SFX: FOOTSTEPS STOP. A HORSE CAN BE HEARD CLOPPING IN THE B.G., ACCOMPANIED BY THE OCCASSIONAL WHINNY.]
SCIENTIST
Yep, they’re real. Beautiful, isn’t
he?
BRIAN
Amazing! Why would you possibly need
to keep this a secret?
SCIENTIST
Viagra is made from ground up unicorn
horns.
PONCH
In a weird way I think I always knew
that.
SCIENTIST
If word got out about the widespread
unicorn slaughter, every girl from 3
to 13 – and every woman with 3 to 13
cats – would riot. People had a shitfit
about rhinos being killed for their horns,
and they’re hideous looking! Can you
imagine how they’d lose it if it was
unicorns?
BRIAN
So boners are more important than
beautiful, magical animals?
PONCH & SCIENTIST
Do you even have to ask?
[SFX: FOOTSTEPS RESUME. HORSE SOUNDS FADE, REPLACED BY THE SOUND OF CLACKING COMPUTER KEYBOARDS AND THE OCCASSIONAL GRUNT.]
NARRATOR
Leaving the unicorn, the Scientist
leads Brian and Ponch to a deep pit
where an army of fat, green-skinned
monsters type into laptop computers,
faces illuminated by the sickly light
from the screens...
[SFX: FOOTSTEPS STOP.]
SCIENTIST
These are the trolls. They spend all
day and night online, poisoning the
internet with racist and sexist comments.
PONCH
I always thought that was just an
insulting nickname for assholes.
SCIENTIST
Nope. The government uses them to keep
people outraged over meaningless fluff
like superhero movies, reality shows
and politics, distracting them from
what’s REALLY going on.
BRIAN
Like their toothpaste being made from
squished leprechauns.
SCIENTIST
Exactly. Watch this.
(calls out)
How’s it going, guys?
TROLLS CALL OUT FROM THE PIT.
TROLL #1
False flag!
TROLL #2
Gay marriage!
TROLL #3
Spoiler alert!
TROLL #1
Nazis!
TROLL #2
Fascists!
TROLL #3
Kardashians!
THE TROLLS TURN BACK TO THEIR WORK.
SCIENTIST
See?
BRIAN
I suddenly feel like I want to get into
a pointless argument that will escalate
into baseless accusations and name-calling
which will leave me angry, frustrated and
reduced as a human being... They’re good,
all right.
[SFX: FOOTSTEPS RESUME. THE KEYBOARD AND GRUNTING SOUNDS RECEDE.]
PONCH
I don’t mean to sound ungrateful or
anything, but I was kind of hoping
to see an alien. Are they even real?
SCIENTIST
Oh, they’re real. We’ve stolen most of
our advanced technology from them.
BRIAN
Microchips, lasers, that kind of thing?
SCIENTIST
More like Velcro, hand sanitizer and
Fruit Roll-Ups.
PONCH
Really? I love Fruit Roll-Ups.
BRIAN
Okay, time-out. How are Fruit Roll-Ups
alien technology?
SCIENTIST
They’re actually alien insecticide. They
spread them around, alien pests eat them
and die.
PONCH
Uh... So that means they’re not poisonous
to humans, right?
SCIENTIST
No, they are – it’s just extremely slow-
acting.
NARRATOR
The color drains from Ponch’s face
as he calculates the number of Fruit
Roll-Ups he’s eaten during his lifetime.
A conservative estimate puts the count
at over 300,000...
BRIAN
I’m bummed there are no actual aliens
here. I was hoping maybe we could do
an autopsy or something, like on TV.
SCIENTIST
Naw, along with all the glory, Area 51
hogs all the aliens.
(thinks)
Wait a minute! We do have ONE alien
here. Follow me...
NARRATOR
The Scientist leads Brian and Ponch
to a cubicle, where a man wearing blue
tights and a red cape struggles to
complete a children’s puzzle...
[SFX: FOOTSTEPS STOP.]
PONCH
Is that... Superman?
SCIENTIST
The one and only. Came from Krypton,
landed in Smallville, all that crap.
PONCH
What’s he doing locked away in here?
BRIAN
Yeah! Shouldn’t he be out battling crime,
ending wars, fighting for truth, justice
and the American way?
SCIENTIST
Well, he would be, it’s just that...
(whispers)
... he’s really, really stupid.
BRIAN
C’mon, he’s Superman! How stupid could
he be?
SCIENTIST
He’s ‘eyeglasses constitute a foolproof
disguise’ stupid. He’s ‘no one will see
me change clothes in this glass telephone
booth’ stupid.
BRIAN
Okay, but it seems like that’s stuff you
could teach him not to do.
SCIENTIST
But he’s not only stupid, he’s gullible.
The bad guys always talk him into joining
them. He’s a menace! Roosevelt sent him to
Germany to kill Hitler in 1941, and instead
he ended up as a Nazi for three years.
PONCH
There’s no way.
SCIENTIST
Oh yeah. Swastika on his chest, the whole
bit. He destroyed most of London in the
blitz – it wasn’t V-2 rockets, it was him!
So we keep him here, doing the cleaning and
heavy lifting. Plus we use his heat vision
to warm up the coffee since the microwave
broke.
SUPERMAN
Dr. Zisky! I didn’t see you there! Do
you need anything lifted or heated?
SCIENTIST
No, that’s all right, Superman.
SUPERMAN
Who are your friends? We don’t get many
visitors here!
BRIAN
Hi, Superman. I’m Brian Hanson.
SUPERMAN
Nice to meet you, Brian! Let me shake
your hand!
[SFX: CRUNCHING SOUND. BRIAN SCREAMS.]
PONCH
I’m Pontius Pilates. Call me ‘Ponch.’
SUPERMAN
Glad to meet you, Ponch! Let me shake
your hand!
PONCH
That’s okay! It’s, uh, against my
religion to shake hands.
SUPERMAN
Understood! A firm pat on the back, then!
[SFX: A LOUD THWACK, FOLLOWED BY A CRASH AS PONCH FLIES THROUGH THE CUBICLE, SPLATTING AGAINST THE WALL.]
SCIENTIST
You know, Superman, now that I think of
it I could really go for a Hot Pocket.
SUPERMAN
Affirmative! Meatball or ham and cheese?
SCIENTIST
Surprise me.
SUPERMAN
Can do! Up, up and...
SCIENTIST
You can just walk to the kitchen from
here, Superman.
SUPERMAN
Thumbs up, doc!
[SFX: SUPERMAN PADS OFF.]
NARRATOR
Using his good hand, Brian helps a
groggy Ponch to his feet...
PONCH
I think I’ve seen enough for one day.
BRIAN
Yeah, I need to go and get my hand
rebuilt.
SCIENTIST
Sure. Just as soon as you’ve had your
memories erased with the Brain Zapper.
PONCH
‘Brain Zapper?’
SCIENTIST
I know – brilliant invention, terrible
name.
BRIAN
Yeah, I don’t think I want my brain
‘zapped.’ Especially after seeing how
well everything else works around here.
NARRATOR
The Scientist pulls a device resembling
a TV remote from his pocket. He advances
on Brian and Ponch, who back away slowly...
SCIENTIST
It’s okay. It’ll just erase your memories
of this room. Well, most of them. There
are always a few mental dust bunnies that
get caught under psychological beds and
sofas...
BRIAN
That’s a terrible metaphor.
SCIENTIST
Well, good thing you won’t remember it,
then.
[SFX: BRIAN AND PONCH SCREAM AS A LOUD ZAPPING SOUND DROWNS THEM OUT – THEN CUTS OFF INTO...]
[MUSIC CUE: TIME PASSING MUSIC.]
NARRATOR
Later than evening, Brian and Ponch
join Sam Wolf for dinner in the dining
hall...
SAM
Where were you guys today? I haven’t
seen you all afternoon.
BRIAN
Um... Just wandering around, I guess.
It all seems kinda hazy... and my hand
really hurts...
PONCH
Yeah, I think we were just exploring,
and then...
NARRATOR
Ponch trails off, his face a mask of
confusion...
PONCH
Okay, that’s it! Why is this guy following
us around everywhere narrating everything
we do?
BRIAN
I don’t know. At first I thought he was a
friend of yours, then I figured if I ignored
him he’d just go away. Sam?
SAM
Never seen him before in my life.
NARRATOR
Brian turns to face the Narrator angrily...
BRIAN
Who ARE you?
NARRATOR
Brian yelled, he and Ponch advancing
menacingly...
PONCH
Narrate THIS, lazy storytelling device!
[SFX: BRIAN AND PONCH PUNCH AND KICK THE NARRATOR.]
NARRATOR
Brian and Ponch viciously and repeatedly
pummel the Narrator, who curls into a
fetal position, visions of his childhood
flashing before his eyes until he finally,
mercifully, achieves blessed unconsciousness...
[SFX: BEATING STOPS.]
BRIAN
You know, I don’t feel bad about that
at all.
PONCH
Nope. Hey, you wanna hear the weirdest
thing? I have this CRAZY craving right
now for Fruit Roll-Ups.
BRIAN
You’re kidding! I was just thinking the
same thing!
SAM
Guys, you’re not gonna believe this, but
someone delivered a whole crate of them
to the kitchen just this afternoon.
BRIAN
Well what’re we waiting for?
PONCH
Don’t have to tell me twice!
[SFX: FOOTSTEPS AS BRIAN, PONCH AND SAM LEAVE THE ROOM.]
NARRATOR
(gasping, beaten)
Brian, Ponch and Sam hurry to the
kitchen to...
[BRIAN CALLS OUT FROM THE OTHER ROOM.]
BRIAN
I can still hear you narrating!
NARRATOR
... The end.
[ENDING & OUTRO.]