AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Ep. 44: 'Speed Dating Night in the Garden of Good and Evil'
Pure goofy fun. I wanted to do an episode where the guys got out of the castle and interacted with some of Arfyne City's finest citizens, so I had Ponch take Brian to speed dating night at a local bar. Since Brian's going through a divorce I figured it was a natural - get him back out into the dating scene! With the knowledge that the dating scene in Arfyne City would be absolutely horrifying.
What I really wanted to do was an episode made up of a lot of quick cuts - a comic montage of one-off jokes that built to tell the story of their evening. The speed dating concept allowed an organic reason for this structure - potential dates moving from table to table - and provided the comic and structural gimmick of using a buzzer to delineate each dater/cut. In film you can just jump cut from one scene to another, but in radio you need the sound cue to let the audience visualize moving from one table to another. Plus buzzers are funny. I think Neil Simon said that.
It was fun finding cameos for some of the townspeople who've appeared in past episodes, like Big Bubba and Little Shaver from Horny's (Home of the Pickle Burger) and perennial sad-sack Kevin, to my good friend John Rhys-Davies and his cement hot dog. But I had the most fun torturing Ponch, whose leering attempts at seduction are met with some real-world reactions. Which he, of course, misinterprets.
Oh - and 'seductive' Igor. I greatly enjoy having Igor hit on people. It's always funny and unsettling. Just like most attempts at seduction.
I've said too much
Air Date: Sept. 14, 2014
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Episode #44
“SPEED DATING NIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL”
Written by:
David Hines
[SFX: THE SOUNDS OF A BAR. HUM OF CONVERSATION. GLASSES CLINKING. MUSIC PLAYING. A DOOR OPENS AS BRIAN AND PONCH ENTER.]
BRIAN
I don’t want to do this.
PONCH
You need this, pal. Trust me. I’ve
been through more bad break-ups than
you’ve had hot lunches and the only
way to get over it is to get right
back on the whores.
BRIAN
Don’t you mean ‘horse?’
PONCH
No sir I do not.
BRIAN
But – picking up women in a bar? I
didn’t like doing this when I was a
horny college kid, I can’t imagine
my game has improved through years
of dis-use.
PONCH
Don’t sell yourself short. You’ve got
something that horny college kid
could only dream of having.
BRIAN
Which is?
PONCH
Money.
BRIAN
I don’t know. I’ve never been very good
at just going up and talking to people.
PONCH
That’s why we’re here! I’ve got it
all taken care of – you don’t have
to worry about a thing.
[SFX: A VOICE COMES OVER A LOUDSPEAKER.]
HOST
If everybody could find their seat,
we’ll be starting the speed dating
activities in just a few moments.
[SFX: CROWD NOISE SHIFTS AS PEOPLE MOVE TO FIND SEATS.]
BRIAN
Oh, no.
PONCH
Oh, yes.
BRIAN
Not a chance, Ponch.
PONCH
TAKE a chance, Brian. Come on, what
do you have to lose?
BRIAN
But... speed dating? This seems so, I
dunno, 10 years ago.
PONCH
Exactly! That’s how you know anyone who’s
still doing it is totally desperate!
BRIAN
Like us?
PONCH
Exactly!
[SFX: DOOR OPENS AS IGOR ENTERS.]
IGOR
Posh! Dr. Handsome! Imagine smashing
into you here! What a small fictional
world we live in!
BRIAN
And Igor?
PONCH
Igor, what are you doing here?
IGOR
I’m here for the speed mating, of
course! I come here every week
between restraining orders. Ooooh -
they’re starting! I better pick my
seat... and then I better sit down!
(laughs)
I’m laughing because it sounds like
a joke but isn’t.
[SFX: IGOR SCURRIES AWAY.]
BRIAN
This is a bad idea.
PONCH
Says the guy who created a robot with
the option of self-determination that
almost destroyed us and the entire world.
BRIAN
Which I entrusted to YOU!
PONCH
You’re makin’ my point for me, Bri.
BRIAN
(giving in)
Fine.
PONCH
Great! Just a few quick tips – don’t
mention the ex-wife, don’t mention the
kids, and whatever you do, don’t mention
the Death Ray.
BRIAN
Aw! I’m proud of that Death Ray!
PONCH
You know how guns are considered a penis
substitute? I can’t even IMAGINE what a
Death Ray is compensating for.
[SFX: CHAIRS CREAK AS BRIAN AND PONCH TAKE THEIR SEATS.]
HOST
Hello again, everybody. I see a lot
of familiar faces tonight...
IGOR
(calls out)
Hello, Mr. Hostman! I can be within
100 yards of the building again!
HOST
(sighs)
Lots of familiar faces. I’d like to
welcome you all to Bar Nun – Arfyne
City’s only convent-slash-microbrewery –
and our weekly speed dating night!
[SFX: SCATTERED APPLAUSE AND EXCITED MURMURS FROM THE CROWD.]
HOST (cont.)
Most of you know the rules. Tonight
we’re going to mix it up and the men
will stay seated while the ladies move
from table to table. You have three
minutes to get to know one another, at
the end of which I will sound this
buzzer.
[SFX: BUZZER.]
HOST (cont.)
Remember the rules: No touching, you must
move on when the buzzer sounds...
(sighs)
... and no asking anyone if they want to
sit on your hump.
IGOR
Aw!
HOST
I’ll now sound the buzzer, and we can
begin!
[SFX: BUZZER.]
WOMAN #1
Hi, I’m April!
BRIAN
I’m, uh, I’m Brian.
WOMAN #1
Nice to meet you, Brian. I haven’t seen
you here before.
BRIAN
No, this is my first time. I just recently
got div-- erticulitis.
WOMAN #1
Oh, I’m so sorry! What’s that?
BRIAN
It’s when feces gets trapped in pouches
within the colon and becomes inflamed.
(uncomfortable silence)
So what do you do?
[SFX: BUZZER.]
WOMAN #2
Nice to meet you – my name’s Susan.
PONCH
I’m Pontius Pilates. You can call me
‘Ponch.’
WOMAN #2
Oh my God... Aren’t you that guy on the
radio?
PONCH
(cocky)
Why yes. Yes I am.
[SFX: WOMAN #2 BLOWS TWO LOUD BLASTS ON A WHISTLE.]
WOMAN #2
Rape! Rape!
PONCH
What? I’m just sitting here!
[SFX: BUZZER.]
IGOR
(seductively)
I could squat here and stare at you
all night. Your brown eyes are like
pools of finest muck. Your skin glows
like the shiniest melmac. Your flowing
hair makes me have to go to the bathroom.
And your body makes me want to rub all up
on it for days, only taking brief breaks
for refreshment and personal hygiene, as
required by law. In short, you are the most
beautiful human type being I have ever seen.
MAN #1
I’m a man.
IGOR
Your point being?
[SFX: BUZZER.]
WOMAN #3
Who are you guys again?
BIG BUBBA
I’m Big Bubba!
LITTLE SHAVER
And I’m Little Shaver!
WOMAN #3
And you want me to do WHAT with a
pickle?
[SFX: BUZZER.]
WOMAN #2
Do you have any hobbies? What do you
do in your spare time?
BRIAN
Well, I have been working on trying to
take over the world.
WOMAN #2
Oh! Impressive! And how’s that going?
BRIAN
(sighs)
I’m at a speed dating night.
WOMAN #2
Ah.
[SFX: BUZZER.]
PONCH
I live in a castle! Like, a real,
actual castle. With a moat and a
drawbridge and everything.
WOMAN #1
Do you rent or own?
PONCH
Uh, neither, actually.
WOMAN #1
So you’re a squatter?
PONCH
Depends what you’re in to, baby.
WOMAN #1
Wait... Aren’t you that guy on the
radio?
PONCH
(wary)
Yeah...
[SFX: SOUND OF AEROSOL SPRAY CAN EMPTYING.]
WOMAN #1
Eat mace, pervert!
[SFX: BUZZER.]
JOHN RHYS-DAVIES
I’m John Rhys-Davies. You may know me
as Sallah from the ‘Indiana Jones’
trilogy, or Gimli the Dwarf from the
‘Lord of the Rings’ trilogy, or as
the creepy guy who followed you in
from the parking lot.
WOMAN #2
Oh, right! Say – is that a boner?
JOHN RHYS-DAVIES
Indeed it is! I took a handful of
Vigora six months ago and it’s been
like walking around with a cement
hot dog in my pocket ever since. It’s
even begun to glow at night. A
pulsating red beacon. I could lead
Santa’s sleigh on Christmas Eve.
WOMAN #2
Can I touch it?
JOHN RHYS-DAVIES
God, no!
[SFX: BUZZER.]
WOMAN #3
What’s the show called again?
BRIAN
Sideshow Lounge?
WOMAN #3
Oh! I’ve heard that! Are you the one
I like?
BRIAN
I’m Brian. I’m, like, the boss.
WOMAN #3
No, that’s not it...
BRIAN
There’s Ponch. He...
WOMAN #3
Ew! No.
BRIAN
The only other one is Sam.
WOMAN #3
That’s it! Sam. Kinda dumb but really
sweet?
BRIAN
That’s Sam.
WOMAN #3
THAT’S the one I like. Can I get HIS
number?
[SFX: BUZZER.]
PONCH
... And that’s when I blew up the
entire cruise ship.
WOMAN #4
Your voice sounds SO familiar.
PONCH
No it doesn’t.
WOMAN #4
No, it REALLY does.
PONCH
You must have me confused with
someone else.
WOMAN #4
I’ve got it! Aren’t you that guy on the
radio?
PONCH
Maybe...?
[SFX: ELECTRICAL ZAPPING AS SHE TAZES PONCH.]
WOMAN #4
Eat electricity, pervert!
PONCH
Ow! Don’t taze me, ho!
[SFX: BUZZER.]
MAN#1
Look, for the hundredth time – I. AM. A.
MAN. And so are you.
IGOR
(seductively)
Now, don’t be so hasty, puddin’. I HAVE
been both. In fact I might be both right
now, I haven’t checked today...
[SFX: BUZZER.]
KEVIN
Hi, I’m Kevin.
WOMAN #1
I’m sorry, what?
KEVIN
I’m Kevin.
WOMAN #1
Could you speak up?
KEVIN
Kevin. My name is Kevin.
WOMAN #1
Stephen?
KEVIN
No, Kevin.
WOMAN #1
Bevin?
KEVIN
Kevin! Like Costner.
WOMAN #1
Kevin Costner?
KEVIN
Yes!
WOMAN #1
You’re trying to tell me you’re
Kevin Costner?
KEVIN
No! Just Kevin. LIKE Costner. Kevin
Costner.
WOMAN #1
You’re not Kevin Costner.
KEVIN
I know, I’m...
WOMAN #1
I can’t believe you’re trying to tell
me you’re Kevin Costner.
KEVIN
I’m not, I just meant...
WOMAN #1
You should be ashamed of yourself.
KEVIN
(sighs)
Okay.
[SFX: BUZZER.]
DESPERATE, BRIAN’S OBVIOUSLY BEEN DRINKING.
BRIAN
... Then there’s my ex-wife – or as I
call her, ‘The Bitch of the World’...
[SFX: BUZZER.]
BRIAN
(crying)
... I just miss my kids so much! Mordechai
and Small Jeff... at least I think those
are their names...
[SFX: BUZZER.]
BRIAN
I have a Death Ray!
WOMAN #3
Ooooooh – too bad about the penis.
BRIAN
(under his breath)
Dammit, Ponch!
[SFX: BUZZER.]
PONCH
(resigned)
Do you listen to the radio?
WOMAN #5
Yes.
PONCH
I’m him.
[SFX: A HARD, MEATY THWACK.]
WOMAN #5
Eat a kick to the balls, pervert!
PONCH
(gasping in pain)
That doesn’t even make sense.
[SFX: BUZZER.]
HOST
And that’s the end of our speed
dating night! I want to thank you
all for coming, and remind you
that this Friday is opening night
of our all-nun production of David
Mamet’s ‘Sexual Perversity in
Chicago.’ Tickets are not going
fast.
[SFX: CROWD NOISE IN B.G. AS PEOPLE HEAD FOR THE EXIT. BRIAN AND PONCH JOIN THEM.]
PONCH
So how’d it go?
BRIAN
Jesus! What happened to you?
PONCH
Let’s see – I got maced, then I got
tazed, then I got kicked in the junk
by a woman wearing those pointy-toed
boots.
BRIAN
Oh my God! I’m so sorry.
PONCH
Are you kidding? This was awesome! I’m
thinking of coming back next week! Have
you seen Igor?
BRIAN
I think I saw him leave about a half
hour ago with some guy.
PONCH
How’d it go for you? Did you get any
numbers?
BRIAN
As a matter of fact, I did.
PONCH
All right, Brian! I told you this was
a good idea! Is she hot?
BRIAN
Oh, she’s hot, all right. Turns out she’s
an arsonist. I paid her to come back later
tonight to burn this place to the ground
so I never have to come back.
PONCH
That’s the Brian I know and love.
BRIAN
Yup. I’ve still got it.
PONCH
Should probably tell the nuns, though.
BRIAN
Fuck ‘em.
[ENDING & OUTRO.]
