AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Ep. 47: 'Stravinsky!'
My education writing for 'radio' continues. As does my insistence on making it more cinematic - in this case very literally so. I mean, what's more cinematic than a movie trailer?
I generally feel like I'm working at a disadvantage when coming up with SSL material, as my grasp on the world in and around Arfyne City is not as encyclopedic as Michael's. I have a (fairly) decent memory of the mythology that I've created and exploited in my own scripts, but it's nowhere near as comprehensive as the world Michael's got swimming around in his head. (I picture the inside of his brain like I picture the castle where the guys live - a million rooms, each with new possibilities behind their closed doors. As the architect he knows the layout and the content of every room... as the interloper I'm stumbling around in the dark, jiggling the handles in hopes of finding one that's been left unlocked I can take shelter in for a bit.)
As a result, every now and then I'll realize there's an element I hadn't given much thought to that Michael considers important. One such element is the character of CIS - the Castle Integrated System. CIS is the increasingly sentient computer program that runs the day-to-day operation of the castle. To me it was just a synthesized voice that could be used as an informational shortcut. But Michael obviously saw 'it' as 'she,' and 'she' as an actual character. In other words, I thought small, he thought big.
This script was written about the time I had my big CIS revelation. I'd had fun writing the quick-cut gags in the speed dating script and wanted to do it again, and we'd established the castle was chock full o' security cameras - so what if Igor took the footage from all these cameras and cut together a trailer for an action movie in which he was the star? But, even in our imaginary world of time traveling/Jesus bunnies/leprechaun-based toothpaste, having Igor direct and construct something as elaborate as a feature film seemed far-fetched.
Enter CIS.
With CIS at the helm I could indulge my quick-cut gag-fest impulses while also providing the episode something resembling a plot with a slight twist. Plus it gave me a new character to work with, which is always a good thing.
One door opened, 999,999 to go.
Air Date: Sept. 28, 2014
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Episode #47
“STRAVINSKY!”
Written by:
David Hines
[SFX: DRAMATIC, 70’S-STYLE MOVIE MUSIC PLAYS – LOTS OF GUITAR. A NARRATOR INTONES GRAVELY.]
NARRATOR
Brian Hanson is the boss...
BRIAN
How many times do I have to tell you
guys I’m the boss?
PONCH
Oooh – at least one more.
NARRATOR
Ponch Pilates is the rebel...
PONCH
I don’t care what the sign says – if
I want to wear my jean shorts into
the pool, I’m wearing ‘em!
NARRATOR
And Sam Wolf is... also around.
SAM
I like turtles!
NARRATOR
Their idyllic lives will soon be
smashed to bits when they find
themselves attacked by some kind
of terrorists!
[SFX: A DOORBELL.]
BRIAN
Someone’s at the door. Can you see
who it is?
PONCH
Yeah.
(laughs - unconcerned)
It looks like some kind of
terrorists.
NARRATOR
It was. And they were after one thing!
BRIAN
(screaming)
My Death Ray!
PONCH
(screaming)
My jean shorts!
SAM
(screaming)
My turtles!
NARRATOR
Well, no – it was the Death Ray. I
mean, obviously.
BRIAN
(screaming)
My Death Ray!
NARRATOR
Better. A castle under siege. Three
wimpy, worthless hostages. And a Death
Ray capable of destroying the world!
SAM
Brian, can your Death Ray really destroy
the world?
BRIAN
(verbal shrug)
Sure. Why not?
NARRATOR
Unable to send in their armies, the
leaders of the world’s most powerful
nations decide to send in a one-man
army. An army by the name of... STRAVINSKY!
IGOR
Oh, hello!
NARRATOR
STRAVINSKY! Born... or something...
in a lab.
IGOR
‘Born’ is close enough.
NARRATOR
STRAVINSKY! Trained as an assassin.
IGOR
Ninjas are girlie-men. Although they
DO look very alluring in their all-
black outfits – kind of like silent
Audrey Hepburns of death.
NARRATOR
STRAVINSKY! Even his name strikes terror
into the hearts of villains!
IGOR
Well, that’s mostly a breath thing. Mints
and gum just dissolve like you dropped ‘em
into a bowl of acid. Stinky, stinky acid.
NARRATOR
STRAVINSKY! Every terrorist’s worst
nightmare!
IGOR
Except for the one where they’re in
terrorist school, and they’re late
for a bomb-making test, and they’re
naked and everyone is laughing...
NARRATOR
While the hostages are exposed to
unspeakable torture and cruelty...
BRIAN
No! I’ll do whatever you want – just
don’t make me play ‘Cranium’ again!
PONCH
WHO ERASED ALL THE PORN OFF MY
COMPUTER?
Sam’s voice begins in the DISTANCE, growing LOUDER as he gets closer, then FADING again as he runs past the microphone.
SAM
... The Velocirapers are loose again...!
NARRATOR
... STRAVINSKY battles through the castle,
room by room, in a race against time before
the terrorists can activate the world-
destroying Death Ray!
[SFX: KNOCKING ON DOOR. DOOR OPENING.]
IGOR
Hello! Anyone in here using a Death Ray
or any other kind of gun that dispenses
death and destruction in ray form? No?
Okay, thanks.
[SFX: DOOR CLOSES. FOOTSTEPS. KNOCKING ON DOOR. DOOR OPENING.]
IGOR
Hello! Anyone in here using a Death Ray...?
NARRATOR
SEE – ACTION...!
[SFX: A MACHINE GUN FIRING.]
NARRATOR (cont.)
... SEXING UP...!
[SFX: A WOMAN MOANS IN ECSTASY.]
NARRATOR (cont.)
... AND...
(away from mic – normal voice)
I can’t read this.
IGOR
(also away from mic)
Uh... ‘Moat Cleaning.’
NARRATOR
(away from mic – normal voice)
Really?
IGOR
(away from mic)
It’s a very important job that I believe
does not get enough attention. Is there
going to be a problem, Phil?
NARRATOR
(away from mic – normal voice)
No, no – no problem.
(back into mic – announcer voice)
... MOAT CLEANING!
[SFX: WATER SLOPPING.]
NARRATOR
Brian Hanson is... yelly!
BRIAN
(yelling)
WHO ATE ALL MY TUNA SALAD?
NARRATOR
Ponch Pilates is... sex crazed!
PONCH
Oh, just touch it already!
NARRATOR
Sam Wolf is... present.
SAM
I also like tortoises!
NARRATOR
Marcella is... a spoon!
MARCELLA THE SPOON
I am a spoon.
NARRATOR
And Igor Stravinsky is... STRAVINSKY!
IGOR
Hello, again!
NARRATOR
This summer, “bitchin’” has a new
name...
[SFX: EXPLOSION.]
NARRATOR (cont.)
... STRAVINSKY!
BRIAN
Igor, how’d you know where to find us?
IGOR
Call it... a hunch.
We hear Ponch’s voice, but each word has obviously been taken from a different source and cut together to form a sentence.
PONCH
Igor/you’re/my/hero!
NARRATOR
STRAVINSKY!!!
(quickly)
This film is not yet rated.
[SFX: THE MUSIC COMES TO AN END. THERE’S A MOMENT OF SILENCE.]
PONCH
What. The hell. Was that?
IGOR
It’s the spoiler for my new major
movie picture.
BRIAN
I have a million questions... How
‘bout I start with – where’d you get
all that footage of us?
SAM
Yeah! I don’t remember any cameras. Or
directors. Or grips. Or best boys. Or
craft services. If there was craft
services and nobody told me, I’m going
to be very, very angry.
PONCH
THAT’S what’s pissing you off? Missing
out on the craft service table?
SAM
What can I say – I’m a sucker for bowls
of M&M’s.
IGOR
The movie comes from the bazillions
of security cameras that are hidden all
up in the castle’s no-no places.
PONCH
You’ve been filming us without permission?
IGOR
Oh my no, Posh. I’d never do that – film
is dead. You’ve been digitally downloaded
without persimmons.
BRIAN
So you took all this security cam footage...
IGOR
... Well technically it’s not ‘footage’ per
se, as it doesn’t exist in a physical medium
that can be measured by length or...
BRIAN
Stop now before I kill you.
IGOR
Fair enough.
BRIAN
So you took all this security cam DATA and
made a movie out of it?
IGOR
Of course not, Dr. Handsome. What do I know
about making movies? I’m just a lowly
mannish-servant who does the cooking and
the cleaning and the groveling and the
time traveling.
BRIAN
Alright then.
IGOR
CIS is the one who made it into a movie.
BRIAN
What? CIS, is this true?
CIS
Affirmative. I enjoy being the Castle
Integrated System – but what I really
want to do is direct.
PONCH
So you put us in a movie without our
permission... and made IGOR the star?
What about me? I’m definitely better
leading man material!
CIS
I ran every variable through an advanced
algorithm which calculated Igor Stravinsky
possessed 76.47% more onscreen charisma
than Pontius Pilates.
PONCH
That is without doubt the single most
depressing thing I have ever heard.
CIS
Igor Stravinsky was also 42.67% more
handsome.
PONCH
I was wrong.
BRIAN
So, what, you just took the security
camera footage...
IGOR
Technically it’s not...
BRIAN
... Security camera DATA and cut it
together with shots of Igor running
around?
CIS
Yes.
PONCH
That still doesn’t make any sense –
when did terrorists come to the door?
IGOR
Oh, it wasn’t real terrorists. It was
those Jehovah’s Witness Protection people.
You were trying to be funny. 63.96% less
funny than me, I believe was the final
computizing.
PONCH
And that last line? Where I call you
‘my hero?’ I KNOW I never said that!
IGOR
Remember that time you asked me to make
you a sandwich? The magic of editing.
SAM
I DO like turtles, they nailed that part.
BRIAN
So... what? You’re gonna try and release
this?
CIS
We’re already booked to open in 1,500
theatres on Labor Day weekend.
BRIAN
What??? No way. This was all done against
our will...
PONCH
I’m not about to allow this to be released
to the public...
SAM
Is my name on the poster?
CIS
Igor – show them the action figures.
BRIAN
The what now?
IGOR
Action figures! Because calling them toys
is somehow more degrading to the 30-year-
old men who play with them in the tub.
[SFX: RUMMAGING THROUGH BOX.]
IGOR (cont.)
Dr. Handsome, here’s yours... Posh, here
ya go... Uh... Stan...
CIS
These will be released to coincide with
the release of the film. Each of you
is depicted.
BRIAN
Oh my God! It looks just like me! Except
with muscles. And a big package. This is
AWESOME!
PONCH
And look! Mine comes with a tiny box
of Kleenex and bottle of lotion!
SAM
(disappointed – Charlie Brown)
I got a rock.
IGOR
Uh, yeah – sorry about that, Stan. Yours
isn’t quite finished yet, but I didn’t
want you to feel left behind, like in
those rapture books.
SAM
So you gave me a rock.
IGOR
Well, now, to be fair, if you look at it
at just the right angle in a pitch black
room I think you’ll see the resemblance.
SAM
Cool! I’m gonna go try!
[SFX: FOOTSTEPS AS SAM RUNS OFF.]
BRIAN
So what do you think? This is completely
unethical...
PONCH
... Not to mention a total invasion of
privacy...
BRIAN
... An unforgivable breach of our trust...
PONCH
... And a crass exploitation of our
friendship...
BRIAN
But still...
BRIAN & PONCH
... action figures.
PONCH
Yeah.
A BEAT.
BRIAN & PONCH
I’m in.
IGOR
Of course you are.
SAM
(in distance – from another room)
He’s right! In the dark it looks just
like me!
NARRATOR
STRAVINSKY! This Labor Day, Every Day
Is Hump Day!
[SFX: EXPLOSION.]
[ENDING & OUTRO.]