AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Ep. 50: 'Hop On Ponch'
I worked at Barnes & Noble for a number of years, exposing me to literature I might never have known about otherwise.
Mostly children's books. So many children's books.
One of the funner aspects of Brian, Ponch, Sam and Igor living in a mad scientist's castle is that there can be literally anything behind any door of the thousands of rooms, catacombs and dungeons located within. I wanted to take advantage of that concept by using it to tailor an episode aimed at my fellow (current and former) booksellers, who are some of the finest, smartest, most interesting people I know. But what to do? What literary characters would be weird enough to justify placing in the castle?
Children's book characters.
Let's speak frankly - children's book characters are freakin' insane. The Cat in the Hat is a home invader... Curious George is monkey that wreaks havoc because his owner constantly neglects his duties... Junie B. Jones is in desperate need of a daily fistful of Ritalin... and I think Amelia Bedilia may be developmentally disabled. And we've barely scratched the surface!
Realizing I'd never want to run into any of these characters in real life inspired me to expose the guys to them in their real lives. And faster than you can say Go, Dog, Go I'd concocted a reason for every crazy, bitter, violent and uncontrollable children's book character to become flesh and run rampant through the castle. (You'll have to listen to the episode and/or read the script to learn that reason.)
I had fun with the concept, turning beloved childhood memories into terrifying adult nightmares. Being a Civil War buff I also enjoyed writing Brian's battle correspondences, framing them like the letters and diaries in Ken Burns' great documentary The Civil War. If you're gonna go crazy, go completely crazy.
And while I hope everyone enjoys this episode, this one's dedicated to all the booksellers.
Air Date: Oct. 19, 2014
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Episode #50
“HOP ON PONCH”
Written by:
David Hines
[SFX: CHAOS! IT’S LIKE WE’VE BEEN DROPPED INTO THE MIDDLE OF A BATTLE – WHICH WE HAVE.]
BRIAN
What the hell is going on?
PONCH
Where did all these... THINGS...
come from?
BRIAN
And what ARE they?
PONCH
They look like monsters!
BRIAN
Have you seen Sam?
PONCH
Last I saw he was being chased by three
bears – one in a rain slicker, one in
corduroy overalls and one carrying a pot
of honey.
BRIAN
Why does that sound so familiar?
PONCH
I don’t know! Duck!
[SFX: ‘BOING’ SOUNDS AS IF FROM A LARGE SPRING, ACCOMPANIED BY DOPEY LAUGHTER.]
BRIAN
Was that a tiger? Bouncing on its
tail and laughing like a lunatic?
IGOR
(casually)
Oh! Dr. Handsome. And looky, there’s
Posh, too. Imagine my surprise and
relief you’re still alive. Mostly
surprise, which I suppose I shouldn’t
say out loud, but I just did so now
it’s out there.
PONCH
Igor! WHAT IS GOING ON???
IGOR
I hate to make accusations before all
the facts are in, don’t you know, but
all indications are the children’s
book characters have broken loose again.
BRIAN
Children’s book...?
(dawns on him)
Of course! These things all look familiar
because they’re all characters in children’s
books! Sam wasn’t just being chased by bears,
he was being chased by Paddington, Corduroy
and Winnie the Pooh!
IGOR
Ooh! Paddington and Pooh probably just want
to snuggle, but Corduroy will rip out his
throat and eat his guts.
PONCH
Why are they here? HOW are they here? How
are they... at all?
IGOR
Well I’ll tell you, but first I think we
better hide in this here alcove.
PONCH
Why?
IGOR
The Oompah Loompahs are on the march.
[SFX: BRIAN, PONCH AND IGOR SCURRY TO HIDE AS THE TROMPING OF MARCHING JACKBOOTS CAN BE HEARD APPROACHING.]
OOMPAH LOOMPAHS
(chanting)
Oompah! Loompah! Doopity dred!
If we see you we’ll cave in your head!
Oompah! Loompah! Bippity bass!
Then we will shove hot fudge up your ass!
OOMPAH LOOMPAH #1
What is it called when we cut off your
dick?
OOMPAH LOOMPAH #2
(high-pitched)
And wave it around like a tiny toothpick!
OOMPAH LOOMPAH #1
We found Willy Wonka who kept us like
slaves!
OOMPAH LOOMPAH #2
(deep bass)
And now he is buried in a half-dozen
graves!
OOMPAH LOOMPAHS
(chanting)
Oompah! Loompah! Frappity dee!
Today is the day we are finally free!
Oompah! Loompah! Sippity sars!
Before we are through revenge will be ours!
[SFX: THE MARCHING AND SINGING FADE AWAY AS THE OOMPAH LOOMPAHS MOVE OFF DOWN THE CORRIDOR. THE SOUNDS OF BATTLE CAN STILL BE HEARD IN THE DISTANCE.]
BRIAN
Okay, what the fuck, man?
IGOR
(low)
Ssssh! Keep your voice down, there, Dr.
Handsome. Unless you want those Oompahs
to come back and loompah your wing-wang.
BRIAN
(low)
Fine. You said these things have broken
loose ‘again?’ This has happened before?
IGOR
(low)
Oh, sure. Babar and the Little Prince
are always fighting for control, and
every six months or so they stage a
coup and break free to try and take
over the castle.
PONCH
(low)
Figures. It’s always the Frenchies.
IGOR
(low)
It’s actually kind of cute if you ignore
all the murdering and raping and whatnot.
BRIAN
(low)
But why are they here? How are they
even alive?
IGOR
(low)
It’s simple! Dr. Master wanted to create
an amusement park featuring all the most
famous characters from children’s books.
He loved children but could never have
any of his own because of his semen, you
see.
PONCH
(low)
He was impotent?
IGOR
(low)
No.
PONCH
(low)
Eyew.
IGOR
(low)
That’s what the judge said. Anyways, he
didn’t just want a bunch of sweaty,
heat-stroked teenagers in costumes
walking around the park – he wanted
the real things.
BRIAN
(low)
So he created them himself.
IGOR
(low)
It didn’t turn out so good. See, he
forgot that most of the characters in
kid’s books are crazy, mutated monsters
with behavioral problems. So he locked
them up.
[SFX: THE SOUND OF RUNNING FEET APPROACH.]
PONCH
(low)
Sssh! Someone’s coming!
BRIAN
(low)
It’s Sam!
(calls out)
Sam! Over here!
[SFX: SAM’S VOICE BEGINS IN THE DISTANCE, GROWING LOUDER AS HE GETS CLOSER, THEN FADING AGAIN AS HE RUNS PAST THE MICROPHONE.]
SAM
... The Wild Things are chasing me...!
[SFX: AFTER SAM PASSES THE LOUD STOMPING OF A HALF-DOZEN MONSTERS FOLLOW HIM, THE CREATURES GRUNTING AND GROWLING.]
BRIAN
We’ve got to help him. Maybe I can
reason with them...
IGOR
You can’t! They’ll eat you up, they
love you so.
PONCH
So what CAN we do?
IGOR
Kill as many as possible and drive
them back into their dungeon.
BRIAN
How do we do that?
IGOR
Same way you kill anything...
[SFX: RACKING OF A SHOTGUN.]
IGOR (cont.)
... shoot it in its stupid face.
PONCH
Where’ve you been carrying a shotgun?
IGOR
Oh, Posh, Posh – you don’t want to
know.
[SFX: MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY – SOFT VIOLIN MUSIC REMINISCENT OF ‘ASHOKAN FAREWELL.’ BRIAN SPEAKS AS THOUGH READING A LETTER.]
BRIAN
‘To whomever may find this correspondence.
I place pen to paper in the hope that,
should fortune dictate I not survive this
battle, our struggle shall not have been in
vain. Day 1: Pontius and myself were forced
to take refuge in the grand ballroom, where
we were imperiled by a gigantic feline beast
wearing a tall, enstripened headcover. Though
supplied with firearms from Igor’s private
supply, we hesitated, mortally afeared by the
visions that greeted us that terrible day.
Plus the guns Igor gave us smelled like ass.’
[SFX: THE MUSIC FADES AS THE SOUNDS OF DESTRUCTION RISE.]
PONCH
Oh my God! Is that...?
BRIAN
The Cat in the Hat!
PONCH
I hate that home invading son-of-a-
bitch!
BRIAN
And those creatures with him! What
are those things?
PONCH
Yes!
BRIAN
There! The little guys with the big,
bushy hair! Those things!
PONCH
Yes!
BRIAN
The tiny guys with the numbered sweat
shirts! WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS?
PONCH
YES!!!
BRIAN
(calmer)
Are we done with this bit yet?
PONCH
(calmer)
Yes.
[SFX: THE SOUND OF TWO SHOTGUNS RACKING, FOLLOWED BY GUNFIRE. IT FADES OUT AS THE VIOLIN MUSIC FADES BACK UP. BRIAN READS FROM HIS LETTER.]
BRIAN
‘Day 4: As the siege lengthens our
spirits wither. We can’t help in our
low moments but wonder if providence
has abandoned us. Morale is further
wounded by messages of hopelessness
and despair left at every turn by a
foul temptress dedicated to laying us
low without ever firing a shot.’
[SFX: THE MUSIC FADES AS BRIAN AND PONCH WALK CAUTIOUSLY, FOOTSTEPS ECHOING OFF STONE WALLS.]
BRIAN
Wait!
PONCH
What?
[SFX: FOOTSTEPS STOP. THEIR VOICES STILL ECHO IN THE CORRIDOR.]
BRIAN
All those webs. Charlotte’s been here.
PONCH
She’s worse than Tokyo Rose. What do they
say this time?
BRIAN
(reads)
‘Eat shit’... ‘Quit now’... ‘Die screaming’...
‘Ponch cries during sex.’
PONCH
Swear to God, when we find her I’m gonna
stick this can of Raid so far up her big
spider ass...
[SFX: FOOTSTEPS RESUME, FADING OUT AS THE VIOLIN MUSIC FADES BACK IN. BRIAN READS.]
BRIAN
‘Day 8: Early in the battle we became
separated from our beloved Samuel Wolf.
Many a moment our grief threatened to
overtake us, dulling our devotion to the
cause for which we struggle. It was at our
lowest ebb that we would inevitably catch
a glimpse of dear Samuel – pursued by
adversaries, britches soaked with fear,
racing as though trying to outrun the devil
himself.’
[SFX: THE MUSIC FADES AS SAM’S VOICE BEGINS IN THE DISTANCE, GROWING LOUDER AS HE GETS CLOSER, THEN FADING AGAIN AS HE RUNS PAST THE MICROPHONE. WE HEAR THE SQUISHING SOUNDS OF HIS WET PANTS WITH EVERY STEP.]
SAM
... Clifford the Big Red Dog has big
red rabies...!
[SFX: THE GROWLING SOUND OF A GIANT DOG FOLLOWS SAM, FADING OUT AS THE VIOLIN MUSIC FADES BACK IN. BRIAN READS.]
BRIAN
‘Day 14: It is difficult while engaged in
combat to ascertain the ebb and flow of
battle. Thus it was with glad hearts we
chanced upon our dear brother Igor, anxious
to discover any news. Though our spirits
soared at the sight of him, I must confess
a sadness at the toll this war has exacted.’
[SFX: THE MUSIC FADES AS DIALOG FADES UP.]
BRIAN
Igor! Buddy! It’s good to see you! Where
have you been?
Igor speaks like Captain Willard in Apocalypse Now. We can hear the thousand yard stare in his voice.
IGOR
That’s classified.
PONCH
Jesus, man, you’re a mess. What’re those
rainbow-colored wigs hanging on your
belt?
IGOR
Those aren’t wigs, Posh. They’re scalps.
Rainbow Brite and the Color Kids tried
a cavalry charge on the east wing with
their unicorns. Let’s just say they’ll
never see Rainbow Land again... and
unicorn meat is delicious.
BRIAN
And that necklace? Are those...?
IGOR
Hobbit ears. Filthy beasts. And in case
you were wondering – Hobbit meat is NOT
delicious.
PONCH
And there? Hanging from your hump?
IGOR
Care Bear skulls.
PONCH
That’s what I thought.
IGOR
There are hundreds of them, but they’re
easy to kill. Inbreeding among Care Bears
is rampant. And adorable.
BRIAN
So how goes the battle? Are we winning?
Are we losing? Do you have any of that
unicorn meat left?
IGOR
Two days ago I caught Dora the Explorer
spying. I slit her throat and found a
map in her backpack – but it wouldn’t
stop singing about itself so I used it
for kindling. But not before I saw there
was a nest of Dr. Seuss characters holed
up in the north tower. I need you to go
clear it out.
BRIAN
I don’t know. A ‘nest?’ How many in a
nest?
IGOR
(low, sneering)
What’s the matter, Dr. Handsome? Scared
of a few eccentrically-drawn characters
with weird-shaped heads who speak in
peculiar rhyme-schemes?
[SFX: THE VIOLIN MUSIC FADES BACK IN. BRIAN READS.]
BRIAN
‘Orders received, we march to meet
either glory or doom – I shall have to
rely on the judgment of the Divine to
determine my ultimate fate. If I should
fall on the field of battle I shall
harbor no regret – so long as Ponch falls
before me.’
[SFX: THE MUSIC FADES. THE SOUND OF WATER DRIPPING ECHOES OFF STONE WALLS.]
PONCH
(low)
There it is. The north tower.
BRIAN
(low)
It looks like there’s someone... or
some THING... guarding the door.
PONCH
(low)
You ready to do this?
BRIAN
(low)
Ready as I’ll ever be.
[SFX: PONCH RACKS HIS SHOTGUN.]
PONCH
(yells)
You! By the door! Freeze! Who are you?
GRINCH
(Karloff voice – sings)
They call me... Mr. Grinch.
PONCH
Which Grinch? Heart 3 sizes too small
Grinch, or heart 3 sizes too big Grinch?
GRINCH
(Karloff voice)
My heart grew three sizes that day.
[SFX: BLAM! PONCH SHOOTS THE GRINCH.]
BRIAN
Why’d you do that?
PONCH
I hate that big-heart Grinch. ‘Dahoo
dores’ my ass.
[SFX: A CRASH AS PONCH KICKS DOWN THE DOOR TO THE TOWER. THEY BEGIN FIRING, SHOUTING OVER THE ROAR OF THEIR SHOTGUNS.]
PONCH
Eat green eggs and lead!
BRIAN
Oh, the places you’ll go – like HELL!
[SFX: THE SHOTGUN BLASTS FADE OUT AS THE VIOLIN MUSIC FADES UP.]
BRIAN
‘Day 15: Our glorious victory at the
battle of the north tower has turned
the tide and we have the scoundrels
on the run! Unfortunately, the scoundrels
still have some of us on the run.’
[SFX: THE MUSIC FADES AS SAM’S VOICE BEGINS IN THE DISTANCE, GROWING LOUDER AS HE GETS CLOSER, THEN FADING AGAIN AS HE RUNS PAST THE MICROPHONE. THE SQUISHING SOUNDS OF HIS WET PANTS HAVE ONLY INCREASED.]
SAM
... This is one Very Hungry Caterpillar...!
[SFX: A SLIMY, SLITHERING SOUND FOLLOWS SAM, FADING OUT AS THE VIOLIN MUSIC FADES BACK IN. BRIAN READS.]
BRIAN
‘Day 17: The magnificent day is here!
Our shameful foes have been driven back
from whence they came! The mood was high
as we were reunited with General Igor,
without whom this battle would likely have
been lost. Go figure.’
[SFX: THE MUSIC FADES AS DIALOG FADES UP.]
BRIAN
Igor! Buddy! We did it!
IGOR
Well, ‘I’ actually did most of it, but
sure! ‘We.’ ‘We’ did it. Yay, ‘we!’
PONCH
What happened? One minute we’re trying
to get Curious George to stop tearing
off the Man in the Yellow Hat’s balls,
and the next it’s over.
IGOR
Well, it’s simple, really. I was able
to get the Iron Giant to turn traitor
by promising him he could go into Arfyne
City and eat every car in town. It’s
amazing how fast a gigantric robot man
can change the momentum of a battle.
PONCH
Is everyone back inside the dungeon?
IGOR
Well, we can’t find Waldo – but we always
do eventually.
BRIAN
So now what? Everything just goes back to
normal until the next time this happens?
IGOR
No, no. This won’t happen again. I exiled
the Little Prince to that little moon
thing that he lives on in the out of space.
PONCH
What about Babar?
IGOR
No need to worry, he won’t be bothering
anyone anymore. Oh! I almost forgot –
would anyone like an ivory toothpick?
I carved them myself.
BRIAN
Uh, no thanks.
PONCH
Pass.
A FEMALE VOICE approaches.
NANCY
Ponch? Are you ready?
PONCH
Oh, right. Yeah, just a second. Guys,
this is Nancy.
BRIAN
Nancy...?
NANCY
Yes, Nancy Drew. Pleased to meet you.
PONCH
We’re gonna go to my place and see if
she can solve the ‘Mystery of the
Breathing Pants.’
NANCY
Should I bring my magnifying glass?
PONCH
Couldn’t hurt.
[SFX: FOOTSTEPS AS PONCH AND NANCY WALK OFF.]
BRIAN
Unbelievable. I don’t know how he does
it.
IGOR
It’s a mystery! See, because she’s a
girly detective and she goes around
solving...
BRIAN
I got it.
[SFX: THE SOUND OF RUNNING FEET APPROACH. SAM’S VOICE BEGINS IN THE DISTANCE, GROWING LOUDER AS HE GETS CLOSER, THEN FADING AGAIN AS HE RUNS PAST THE MICROPHONE.]
SAM
... I have no idea why I’m still
running...!
IGOR
Uh, Dr. Handsome? Shouldn’t someone
maybe tell him he can stop?
BRIAN
Eh. Next time he comes around.
[ENDING & OUTRO.]