AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Ep. 53: 'No Opinion'
With this script I wanted to explore what it'd be like for an outsider to deal with our characters and their bizarre lives - some poor sucker who just happened to fall into their orbit of weirdness. I also wanted to make that poor sucker the main character of the episode, reducing Brian, Ponch, Sam and Igor to supporting players.
In doing this I felt there had to be some separation between the SSL guys and the poor sucker. Some way to aurally distance them from the action. That's when I hit on the idea of putting them on the other end of a phone line. But then I had to figure out a way to obligate our poor sucker to stay on the line with them and not just hang up when Ponch inevitably began making creepy passes. Which led naturally to telemarketing. And if this was the poor sucker's first day on the job - indeed their first call - they'd probably stay on the line through Hell and high water to make this call work.
So the poor sucker became Shiela - the unluckiest telemarketer in the world.
One of the benefits of heaping abuse on a telemarketer (even a sweet, well-meaning one like Shiela) is we all hate their stupid guts. For the purposes of comedy they're the human equivalent of cats: You may not want to see them tortured and abused in real life*, but kick, throw or set one on fire on a radio program and no one will bat an eye. (Except, of course, the perpetually offended who bat their eyes so often it looks as though they're constantly having a stroke.)
Boring personal story: I worked as a telemarketer for a few dark weeks once. Well, not a telemarketer - we were taking a survey for the government. There are a lot of soul-crushing stories about those dreadful weeks, but I'm only going to tell you this one...
The survey we were inflicting on people at dinnertime had to do with the U.S. armed forces, whether people were inclined to join them, and why not. Of course the 'short survey' took 15 minutes to a half-hour - an eternity in phone survey time. As a result people were not pleased with us and we took a lot of abuse. But not nearly the amount of abuse being heaped on the poor people on the opposite side of the call center. They were getting killed! People were screaming at them, calling them names, cursing, threatening, besmirching their ancestry. It was awful. So what was their survey about?
They were calling veterans who had been in V.A. Hospitals and asking about the quality of service they'd received. And holy shit were those people pissed.
So we're on one side of the call center trying to find out why people had such a dim view of serving in the military while our colleagues across the room were suffering through 8 hours of verbal assault by those who had. I felt like we should send the agency that commissioned our survey the results of the V.A. Hospital survey - it would have gone a long way toward answering their questions more accurately and honestly.
I quit not long after that. Because of course I did.
So anyway! SideShow Lounge! Funny jokes! Telemarketers! No mention of V.A. Hospitals!
I like this episode a lot. I think changing the point-of-view is an experiment that worked, and I think the performances by the guys are particularly strong. We're entering a series of (my) scripts in which I'll write a big, goofy, wild episode involving a war to the death with children's book characters or a thousand leprechauns escaping to wreak havoc on Arfyne City (sneak preview of the 2015 St. Patrick's Day episode), then balance it with smaller, more character-driven pieces in which the guys tell Halloween stories or enjoy game night in the castle (ooh, another sneak!). This is one of those smaller, more low-key episodes, and I'm very happy with it.
Plus I'm not in it, which always helps.
*Your mileage may vary.
Air Date: Nov. 16, 2014
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Episode #53
“NO OPINION”
Written by:
David Hines
[SFX: WE’RE IN A CALL CENTER. LOW IN THE BACKGROUND WE HEAR THE MURMUR OF VOICES AS OPERATORS MAKE CALLS FROM THEIR CUBICLES.]
MR. GARBLE
Your name is Sheila, right?
SHEILA
Yes, Mr. Garble.
MR. GARBLE
I know this is your first day, and
taking opinion polls can be a little
intimidating, but just stick to the
script and you’ll be fine.
SHEILA
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
[SFX: MR. GARBLE WALKS AWAY. THE AMBIENT ROOM SOUNDS FADE AS SHEILA TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND MAKES HER FIRST CALL – WE HEAR THE DIAL TONE FOLLOWED BY THE BEEPS OF A TEN-DIGIT NUMBER BEING DIALED. AFTER TWO RINGS THE PHONE IS ANSWERED.]
PONCH
(over phone)
Yeah? Make it quick.
SHEILA
Hello, I’m with U-Matter and I was
wondering if I could have a few minutes
of your time?
PONCH
Oooh! You can have as many minutes as
you want, baby.
SHEILA
Thank you. I’m calling on behalf of...
PONCH
What’s your name?
SHEILA
Uh, my name is Sheila, and I’m calling on
behalf of...
PONCH
Sheila, huh? That’s a beautiful name.
My grandmother’s name was Sheila.
SHEILA
Oh. Well thank you, that’s very nice.
I’m calling on behalf of...
PONCH
What are you wearing?
SHEILA
I’m, uh... regular clothes, I guess.
I’m calling...
PONCH
My grandmother wore regular clothes. I
bet you look hot.
SHEILA
It IS a little warm in the call center.
If I could just...
PONCH
So I’m making you feel warm, huh?
SHEILA
No, the air conditioner is broken. Sir,
if we could...
PONCH
Are you gettin’ all sweaty? My grandmother
was all sweaty.
SHEILA
Sir, I’m trying to take a poll...
PONCH
I’ve got a pole you can take.
SHEILA
Is there maybe someone else in the
household I could talk to?
PONCH
What are you doing tonight?
SHEILA
Well, I’m thinking of going out and buying
some new locks for my front door.
PONCH
What about after that?
SHEILA
Sir, may I please talk to somebody –
anybody – else?
PONCH
Playing hard to get. I like it. And
I’m used to it. Alright, blue eyes...
SHEILA
I have brown eyes.
PONCH
Have it your way. Whaddaya say I stop
by your place after you go to the
hardware store? I can help you install
those locks.
SHEILA
I think that would be defeating the
purpose.
PONCH
Hang on.
[A PAUSE.]
SHEILA
Sir? Are you still there?
PONCH
Sorry. I was trying to think of a
sexual innuendo using the phrase
‘defeating the purpose.’ Could you
change it to ‘beating a dead horse?’
[IN THE BACKGROUND, OVER THE PHONE, WE HEAR BRIAN ENTER THE ROOM.]
BRIAN
What’re you doing on the phone? You’re
supposed to be on the air! ‘Ponch and
the Whore’ has been nothing but dead
air for ten minutes!
PONCH
(away from phone, to Brian)
I’m talking to a girl! I think I have
a shot with her!
BRIAN
There’s a whore sitting in the studio!
I GUARANTEE you have a shot with HER!
Gimme that phone!
[RUSTLING SOUND AS BRIAN SNATCHES THE PHONE OUT OF PONCH’S HAND.]
BRIAN
(over phone)
Listen, Ponch can’t play right now. He’s
got another whore to interview.
SHEILA
Sir? Sir? If I could – I’m not a whore.
I’m calling on behalf of Toxichem...
BRIAN
(instantly suspicious)
Toxichem? The bastards who are always
trying to steal my ideas?
SHEILA
I don’t know anything about that. I
just wanted to ask you a few questions...
BRIAN
I’ll bet you do! Trying to pick my brain,
get into my mind, hork my genius!
SHEILA
I’m not trying to... hork?... anything.
I just have a few simple questions...
BRIAN
I know Toxichem’s been after the plans
for my Death Ray!
SHEILA
You have a Death Ray?
BRIAN
MAYBE! But I’d never tell you. I’m
WAY too smart to fall for these
transparent ploys.
SHEILA
Why don’t I start with a few simple
questions, and if you don’t want to
answer any of them you can pass. Okay?
BRIAN
Oh, no! I know how this works. You
can learn as much from what I refuse
to answer as you can from my actual
answers.
SHEILA
I really DON’T think that’s how it works.
BRIAN
Of course it is! If you ask if I have
a Skeleton Liquefier Beam, and I refuse
to answer, then you’ll know I have a
Skeleton Liquefier Beam! Ha!
SHEILA
You have a Skeleton Liquefier Beam?
BRIAN
MAYBE! But I’ll never not tell you!
SHEILA
(sighs)
Sir, on behalf of Toxichem let me
apologize for...
BRIAN
Sorry seems to be the hardest word!
But I’m still standing! Like a candle
in the wind!
SHEILA
Are you quoting Elton John songs?
BRIAN
MAYBE! I don’t have time for your
subterfuge! Goodbye, yellow brick
road!
[SFX: THE PHONE CLATTERS AS BRIAN DROPS IT AND STORMS OFF.]
SHEILA
My name is Sheila...
[SFX: OVER THE PHONE WE HEAR FOOTSTEPS APPROACH, AND THE PHONE BEING PICKED UP.]
SAM
(over phone)
Hello! Is it for me?
SHEILA
Uh, sir...?
SAM
Call me Sam! Because it’s my name!
SHEILA
Okay... Sam. I’m calling from Toxichem
and would like to ask you a few questions.
SAM
They’re not about Brian’s Skeleton Liquefier
Beam, are they? Because I’m not supposed to
tell anybody that it definitely exists.
SHEILA
No, they’re not about that.
SAM
Because it definitely exists.
SHEILA
I’ve been getting that impression, yes.
SAM
What’s your name?
SHEILA
(wary)
Sheila.
SAM
That’s a pretty name.
SHEILA
(cynically)
Is it your grandmother’s name?
SAM
No, why do you... Oh! You’ve been
talking to Ponch! He always says that
to girls he wants to kiss. Do you
want to kiss him back?
SHEILA
No. If I could just get to my questions?
SAM
Oh, sure! Fire away. Unless you have a
Skeleton Liquefier Beam, that is!
(laughs heartily – stops suddenly)
Because it definitely exists.
SHEILA
Okay. First I’m going to ask a series
of ‘yes or no’ questions to determine
whether...
SAM
I do better with multiple choice.
SHEILA
‘Yes or no’ IS multiple choice.
SAM
There’s no ‘none of the above.’
SHEILA
Well, with ‘yes or no’ you don’t really
NEED...
SAM
It’s not multiple choice without ‘none
of the above.’
SHEILA
‘None of the above’ with ‘yes or no’
would just mean ‘I don’t know.’
SAM
And I don’t!
SHEILA
What?
SAM
Know!
SHEILA
Anything?
SAM
Nope!
SHEILA
But these questions are about your
opinions. You don’t have any opinions?
SAM
None of the above.
SHEILA
That wasn’t one of the actual questions.
SAM
None of the above.
SHEILA
And that wasn’t even a question at all.
How did you get through school?
SAM
None of the above.
SHEILA
You don’t know how you got through
school?
SAM
No, I mean I answered ‘none of the
above’ for every answer on every
test. I was top of my class at
Arfyne Central High School. Go
Fighting Wig-Makers!
(cheers)
Glue that horse-hair!
Weave that weave!
We’ll lose to the other team
Then we’ll leave!
SHEILA
Alright, sir...
SAM
Call me Sam! Because it’s my name!
SHEILA
Okay, Sam. Why don’t we try to...
SAM
Oooh! A butterfly! I have to go! Here,
talk to Igor!
[SFX: A CLATTERING SOUND AS THE PHONE IS DROPPED AND SAM RUNS OFF. SHEILA MUTTERS TO HERSELF, BECOMING INCREASINGLY EXHAUSTED AND BEATEN-DOWN.]
SHEILA
‘Igor’...?
[SFX: THE PHONE IS PICKED UP.]
IGOR
(over phone)
Hello, this is Igor of Igor’s castle.
To whom am I talking at?
SHEILA
My name is Sheila, and...
IGOR
Oh, are you from down under? I’m
amazed Ponch didn’t turn that into
something gross.
SHEILA
No, I’m calling from Toxichem.
IGOR
Oh, I love ‘Foxy Cam!’ I watch it on the
innertube all the time! It’s where they
put a camera in a sexy bedroom and then
let a bunch of foxes in to poop. Ergo
the name.
SHEILA
No, not ‘Foxy Cam.’ Toxichem.
IGOR
Oh, the evil people who are always
trying to steal Dr. Handsome’s
Skellington Mushifier Gun. Which
definitely exists.
SHEILA
I promise, I’m not trying to steal his
Skeleton Whatever Thingamobob.
IGOR
Which definitely exists.
SHEILA
I just want to ask a few questions about
new products the company is manufacturing.
Will you PLEASE let me do that?
IGOR
‘Foxy Cam’ is making products? Are they
little stuffed foxes that make teensy
poops when you squash them? Because I
would buy one of those in a Bangladesh
minute.
SHEILA
What’s a Bangladesh minute?
IGOR
About three dollars.
SHEILA
(sighs)
I’m not gonna get to ask any questions,
am I?
IGOR
I would be very surprised if that
happened.
SHEILA
Can I at least ask you a personal
question, then?
IGOR
Of course, I’m not a monster. Even
though people think I am when they
first meet me because of the hump.
But once they get to know me they
accept me for what I am – horribly,
horribly deformed.
SHEILA
Right. Okay, here goes – where ARE you
guys? Did I call a lunatic asylum or
mental hospital or something?
IGOR
None of the above.
[SFX: IGOR HANGS UP. DIAL TONE. IT ENDS AS SHEILA HANGS UP. THE AMBIENT ROOM SOUNDS RETURN. A BEAT.]
SHEILA
(calls out)
Mr. Garble?
[SFX: FOOTSTEPS AS MR. GARBLE APPROACHES.]
MR. GARBLE
Yes, Sheila? How’s it going?
SHEILA
I quit.
[ENDING & OUTRO.]