AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Ep. 57: 'Game Night'
I suppose lately my scripts have followed the Pixies' formula of 'Loud-Quiet-Loud.' I do two scripts a month, and for the past few months (including upcoming episodes) I've gotten into the habit of writing one big, crazy script with lots of action (Hop On Ponch) followed by a more quiet, intimate episode (No Opinion). Going full-tilt crazy all the time can lead to serious burn-out. Sometimes you've just gotta sit back, take a deep breath and pace yourself.
This is a 'pace yourself' episode. After so many episodes revolving around crazy guests or bizarre adventures I kind of wanted to explore the friendships between Brian, Ponch and Sam (and Igor - but not in this episode). They may battle and bicker and give each other grief, but the fact remains they've stayed friends through some pretty insane stuff.
Why?
Well, they obviously - on some level - love each other.
So I wanted to show them on a night off. They're not doing the show, they're not exploring the castle, they're not battling crazy townsfolk or supernatural beings. They're just relaxing, hanging out and shooting the breeze. What would that be like?
I think it might go a little something like this...
AIR DATE: Dec. 17, 2014
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Episode #57
“GAME NIGHT”
Written by:
David Hines
BRIAN
Who’s got the deal?
PONCH
I do.
[SFX: CARDS BEING SHUFFLED.]
SAM
I love our game nights! I love us all
living together in the castle! It’s
like we’re in a club and this is our
clubhouse!
[SFX: PONCH DEALS THE CARDS.]
PONCH
I had a club when I was a kid. Built
a treehouse, had a secret password,
the whole bit.
BRIAN
Was there a sign above the door that
said ‘No Girls Allowed?’
PONCH
Naw, man – it was ONLY girls allowed.
I built a bar, served drinks, had a
stage for live music. Like I said, it
was a CLUB.
SAM
That sounds neat! My clubhouse was an
old refrigerator box, and the other
guys in the club were all rats and
possums. I was voted Treasurer!
PONCH
I was like a miniature Hugh Hefner.
Smoking jacket, pipe, satin pajamas.
I used to book jazz bands and beatnik
poets. It was like ‘Playboy After
Dark,’ except I couldn’t stay out
after dark.
BRIAN
How old were you?
PONCH
Eight or nine.
SAM
What’d you call it?
PONCH
‘Cooties.’
BRIAN
Gin!
SAM
What? Already?
PONCH
Crap.
BRIAN
Read ‘em and weep.
PONCH
Your deal, Sam.
[SFX: CARDS BEING SHUFFLED.]
SAM
We should order a pizza.
PONCH
I think I have a coupon for ‘Mama
Papa’s LGBT Pizza.’
[SFX: SAM DEALS THE CARDS.]
BRIAN
I don’t like that place.
SAM
How come?
BRIAN
There’s always either too much
sausage, or none at all.
SAM
I could make my special popcorn!
BRIAN AND PONCH GROAN.
SAM (cont.)
What? I thought you guys liked my
special popcorn!
PONCH
No offense, Sam, but Jell-O and
popcorn don’t go together.
BRIAN
Or cottage cheese and popcorn...
PONCH
Or asparagus and popcorn...
BRIAN
Or liquid smoke and popcorn...
PONCH
Especially all at the same time.
SAM
It’s gourmet! Like on those TV cooking
shows.
PONCH
That’s not gourmet. Gourmet popcorn is
like with cheese...
BRIAN
Or caramel...
PONCH
Or brown sugar cinnamon...
SAM
Or hot dogs?
BRIAN & PONCH
NO!
SAM
Oh, alright. Royal flush.
PONCH
No way!
BRIAN
Come on!
SAM
Your deal, Brian.
[SFX: CARDS BEING SHUFFLED.]
BRIAN
If I ask you guys a serious question,
will you promise not to make fun of me?
SAM
We’d never make fun of you!
PONCH
I would.
BRIAN
That’s what I thought. Forget it.
[SFX: BRIAN DEALS THE CARDS.]
SAM
Come on, Brian. He was kidding.
PONCH
I really wasn’t.
SAM
Tell you what – if he makes fun I’ll
feed him some gourmet popcorn. I’m
working on a new recipe – do you like
live squid?
PONCH
Okay, okay – what’s your serious question,
Brian?
BRIAN
(sighs)
Do you guys think that when you die
you can choose to become a ghost? And
if so, do you get to choose who you
haunt?
SILENCE.
BRIAN (cont.)
Well? Ponch? Nothing to say?
PONCH
I don’t like live squid.
SAM
You don’t want to haunt me, do you,
Brian? You know how I feel about ghosts,
and I can’t afford to buy that many pairs
of dry pants.
BRIAN
I don’t want to haunt you, Sam. I
just... I always thought it’d be fun
to be a ghost in the Haunted Mansion.
PONCH
What haunted mansion?
BRIAN
THE Haunted Mansion. At Disneyland.
PONCH
That live squid’s starting to look
more appealing...
BRIAN
No! Think about it. You’re the only
real ghost in amongst all the fake
ghosts. Everyone knows the whole ride
by heart – which means you can totally
scare the crap out of them and they’ll
never see it coming!
SAM
That sounds mean.
BRIAN
Exactly! Plus you get to live... well,
not really ‘live,’ but you know what
I mean... in the Haunted friggin’
Mansion! How cool would that be?
PONCH
This is your dream. This is how you
want to spend eternity.
BRIAN
I’ve thought about it a lot. Examined
all the pros and cons. I just have to
figure out a way to make it happen.
Maybe after I die you could take me
and leave me inside the ride.
SAM
Like spread your ashes?
BRIAN
Eeyew! No! I don’t want to be cremated!
Disgusting. No, take my body there all
Weekend At Bernie’s-style and then just
kick me out of the Doom Buggy. Preferably
in the cemetery near the singing statues.
I love those guys.
PONCH
Well, I have only one thing to say
about that.
BRIAN
Which is?
PONCH
Uno!
BRIAN
Oh, you son-of-a...
SAM
Aw, really?
PONCH
My deal.
[SFX: CARDS BEING SHUFFLED.]
PONCH
Have you guys ever thought about how
weird food is?
BRIAN
Oh, great. Another vegan lecture.
PONCH
No, no – I mean ALL food. Think about
it. We totally take food for granted.
[SFX: PONCH DEALS THE CARDS.]
PONCH (cont.)
We know what to eat through millennia
of trial and error. We go to the store
and buy the things we’ve decided are
food, without ever once wondering why
we eat the stuff we eat.
SAM
I know. Like think about this – who was
the first person who ever dared to eat
something in a can!
BRIAN
Sam, food doesn’t naturally grow in cans.
SAM
Kinda think you’re wrong there, Brian.
It’s like they always say how brave the
first person to open up an oyster and
eat the insides was. I feel the same way
about Chef Boyardee ravioli.
PONCH
Yahtzee!
BRIAN
You can’t be serious!
SAM
Oh, man!
PONCH
Your deal, Sam.
[SFX: CARDS BEING SHUFFLED.]
SAM
You know where I’d really like to
go someday?
PONCH
To dump Brian’s body in the Haunted
Mansion?
SAM
Besides there. I’d like to go to
outer space.
BRIAN
You want to be an astronaut?
[SFX: SAM DEALS THE CARDS.]
SAM
No, that seems like a lot of math. I
just want to go to space.
BRIAN
And do what?
SAM
Float. Look around. Eat space food.
Use a space toilet. Float some more.
PONCH
Wouldn’t you miss Earth?
SAM
Nope! I could look down and see it
any time I wanted. We could all go!
We could live together, goof off,
play cards – it’d be great! Like a
space clubhouse!
BRIAN
How would that be any different than
what we do know?
SAM
We’d be floating! Everything’s better
if you’re floating! Picture us right
now, only floating.
PONCH
I hate to admit it, but he’s kinda got
a point.
BRIAN
It DOES sound kind of awesome.
SAM
See! So that settles it – first chance
we get, we’re goin’ to space!
BRIAN
There’s one thing I have to do first.
SAM
What’s that?
BRIAN
Jenga!
PONCH
Oh you dick!
SAM
Unbelievable!
BRIAN
You know, I’m actually really hungry.
SAM
Me, too.
PONCH
You know what sounds good?
BRIAN/PONCH/SAM
(in unison)
Popcorn!
BRIAN
Sam? Will you do the honors?
[SFX: SAM’S CHAIR SCRAPES AWAY FROM THE TABLE.]
SAM
I’m on it!
(pause)
I love you guys.
BRIAN
We love you too, Sam.
[SFX: FOOTSTEPS AS SAM STARTS OFF.]
BRIAN (cont.)
(calls out)
But Sam! JUST popcorn, okay? Nothing
‘gourmet.’
SAM
I promise!
[SFX: FOOTSTEPS FADE AS SAM EXITS.]
PONCH
You know he’s gonna put something
disgusting in there.
BRIAN
I know. Just pick around it.
PONCH
Your deal...
[SFX: CARDS BEING SHUFFLED.]
[ENDING & OUTRO.]