AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Ep. 58: 'Killing Time'
Okay, it's another quiet one.
But I promise, they get much crazier soon! Two words: 'Rampaging Leprechauns.' Just be patient.
In this episode I wanted to address the effects of all those crazy scripts on our main characters. I figure you can't go through all they've gone through without suffering some form of PTSD - even if it is a silly form.
So they're adrenaline addicts. If there's not a war with children's book characters, or a 'robot zombie alpacalypse,' or a crazed mob storming the castle with torches and pitchforks they don't really know what to do with themselves.
When porn has lost its appeal for Ponch, and Brian doesn't much feel like taking over the world, you know things are bad.
It was fun making Sam the voice of reason, rather than just the dumb guy. I mean, he's still the dumb guy, but if even he's figured out they have a problem, they must really have a problem.
Listen to this episode, then go outside and wiggle your toes in the grass. You'll need it - there's a lot of crazy stuff coming in the new year.
AIR DATE: Jan. 4, 2015
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Episode #58
“KILLING TIME”
Written by:
David Hines
BRIAN
What’re you doing today?
PONCH
I dunno. What’re you doing today?
BRIAN
I dunno.
SAM
Hey, guys.
BRIAN & PONCH
Hey.
SAM
What’re you guys doing today?
BRIAN & PONCH
I dunno.
SAM
Me neither.
A BEAT.
PONCH
I’m bored.
BRIAN & SAM
Me too.
PONCH
Anything good on TV?
SAM
I think I’ve watched all the TV.
BRIAN
All of it?
SAM
I lapped myself. I’m all the way
back around to Sesame Street.
PONCH
I’m the same way with porn.
SAM
Sesame Street made porn?
PONCH
Hm. Okay, I may have one Google
search left.
SAM
How about you, Brian? Working on any
new plans to enslave us all and take
over the world?
BRIAN
Nah. I don’t feel like taking over the
world today. Too much hassle.
PONCH
Wow.
BRIAN
I know. I can hardly believe it, either.
SAM
Maybe it’s the weather.
PONCH
Pardon me?
SAM
The reason we all feel so logy. Maybe
it’s the change of seasons.
BRIAN
I wouldn’t know. I haven’t actually gone
outside in over a month.
PONCH
Me neither.
SAM
Same here. Maybe that’s what we need –
to go outside. Recharge the ol’ batteries.
PONCH
And do what?
SAM
I dunno. Sit in the sun. Feel the wind
on our faces. Wiggle our toes in the
grass.
BRIAN
That all sounds terrible.
PONCH
Just thinking about it makes me even
more bored than I already am.
SAM
Just tryin’ to help.
A BEAT.
PONCH
Is anyone hungry?
BRIAN
Maybe a little.
SAM
I could eat.
PONCH
I could whip up some tofu burgers
on rice cake buns with a kale-arugula
pesto and bean-curd fries.
SAM
Uh... that’s okay.
BRIAN
Yeah, I’m not really THAT hungry...
PONCH
Philistines.
A BEAT.
SAM
This is stupid. We live in a giant
castle with a gazillion rooms all
filled with weird and interesting
stuff – and we’re sitting around
sulking because we can’t find
anything to do. I think we’re
spoiled!
BRIAN
How are we spoiled?
SAM
Think about it. Think about all the
adventures we’ve had. All the crazy
stuff that’s happened to us. Now we
have one off day and we’re incapable
of amusing ourselves.
PONCH
What are you saying?
SAM
I’m saying... I’m saying we’re junkies.
BRIAN
What, like adventure junkies?
SAM
Yup!
PONCH
That’s ridiculous. We’re just a little
bored, that’s all. It happens.
SAM
I’m not pointing fingers. It’s all of
us. I think we have a problem.
BRIAN
You’re crazy. I’m gonna go take a nap.
PONCH
Yeah. I suddenly have Sesame Street
porn to search for.
SAM
(calls out, horrified)
Oh my God!!! Did you see that? The
velocirapers are loose again!
BRIAN AND PONCH SPRING TO LIFE, ENERGIZED.
BRIAN
I’ll get the trank gun!
PONCH
Sam and I will lure them into the open!
They love chasing Sam. Let’s go!
[SFX: FOOTSTEPS AS BRIAN AND PONCH START TO RUN OFF. AFTER A FEW STEPS THEY STOP.]
BRIAN
Sam, c’mon! Chop chop!
PONCH
Yeah! And take off your shirt so they
can really smell your musk!
SAM
There’s no velocirapers, guys.
BRIAN & PONCH
What?!?
SAM
I made it up to prove my point. See
how fired up you got just HEARING
about an adventure? Feel the rush of
adrenaline pumping through your veins?
Feel the high?
PONCH
(charged up, talking too fast)
What high? I’m not high! I didn’t feel
anything! I’m calm as a clam, whatever
that means!
BRIAN
No, he’s right. I got so excited I
actually peed a little.
SAM
Welcome to the wet side.
BRIAN
So what do you suggest, Sam?
SAM
Well, when I was in Overpee-ers
Anonymous they taught us that the
first step to overcoming any problem
is admitting you need help.
BRIAN
Fine. We need help. Right, Ponch?
PONCH
(speaks slower, adrenaline wearing off)
Yeah, yeah, I suppose.
SAM
Good.
A BEAT.
BRIAN
So what do we do now?
SAM
I dunno. I only went to one meeting.
PONCH
Then why were you talking like some
kind of expert?
SAM
I’m an expert on that one meeting!
BRIAN
Okay, look – however many meetings he
went to, Sam’s right. If I’m not
runnin’ around the castle chasing or
being chased by some weird creature
I just don’t know what to do with
myself anymore.
PONCH
Fine. I admit it. I lay awake at night
waiting for the alarm to sound and
Igor’s voice to come over the intercom
telling us some bizarre shit is going
down.
SAM
And one time I intentionally let the
velocirapers out to chase after me.
A BEAT.
BRIAN
So... maybe... we should go outside?
Sit in the sun?
PONCH
Feel the wind on our faces?
SAM
Wiggle our toes in the grass?
[SFX: SUDDENLY AN ALARM CLAXON SOUNDS. WE HEAR FOOTSTEPS APPROACH AS IGOR HURRIES INTO THE ROOM.]
IGOR
Uh, exclude me, gentlemens, but I’m
afraid Jack the Ripper has escaped
from the mass murderer wing of the
castle and is currently sneaking the
halls looking for someone to do some
rippering on.
BRIAN, PONCH AND SAM SPRING TO LIFE, ENERGIZED.
BRIAN
We’ll do outside tomorrow! I’ll seal
all the exits!
PONCH
I’ll check the security cameras to see
if I can spot him! Sam – dress up like
a 19th century London prostitute to try
and lure him into the open! There’s a
dress in my closet! Don’t ask!
SAM
That’s fine – I need to change my pants
anyway. But we’ll wiggle our toes tomorrow,
right guys?
PONCH
Right, right! Tomorrow for sure!
BRIAN
We’ll wiggle like sons-of-bitches!
Now let’s move it!
[SFX: FOOTSTEPS AS THE THREE RACE OUT OF THE ROOM.]
A BEAT. CIS SPEAKS OVER THE INTERCOM TO IGOR.
CIS
Mr. Stravinsky?
IGOR
Yes, CIS?
CIS
It was YOU who released Mr. The Ripper
from the mass murderer wing.
IGOR
This is correct.
CIS
May I inquire as to why?
IGOR
I was bored.
[ENDING & OUTRO.]