AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Halloween 2014: 'Chilling Tales of Horror'
I love Halloween, and getting to write the Halloween episode two years in a row was a treat. But this is the first one I knew was gonna be the Halloween episode - the Manson Family script was written as an audition piece with no thought toward when, or if, it would ever reach the air.
The only thing I'd written with a direct reference to Halloween were the Grimsby Brothers Funeral Home and Halloween Warehouse ads. So when Michael offered me the opportunity to do a real, honest-to-goodness Halloween script I jumped at the chance.
(Okay, first I suggested another script I'd already written could serve as the Halloween episode, but Michael wasn't falling for it. My excitement for writing something will always be superceded by my excitement for not writing something.)
I don't know why I came up with the idea for all the guys sitting around telling scary stories. We've got a castle that's already been established as containing ghosts, zombies, psycho killers, rapey dinosaurs and children's book characters - I could recruit any or all of them to terrorize the guys. But as I'd just written Hop On Ponch, in which the guys spend the whole episode terrorized by weird creatures, I wasn't interested in repeating myself (so soon, anyway). Plus I've developed an affection for writing episodes where instead of having some crazy adventure, the main characters just sit around and talk like the old friends they are. The more grounded they are, the more the wacky stuff will resonate. If I were a baseball pitcher, I'd be throwing a change-up.
So. Scary stories.
I'm terrible at coming up with scary stories.
The good news was, they didn't really have to be scary. It's a comedy show, not Lights Out (look it up). But they still had to have the structure and feel of classic spook stories, if not the impact. When I realized each story had to be specific to the person telling it, that took some of the pressure off. Brian is just detailing his own plan, Sam is like a child describing a movie he saw once, and Igor is revealing the reason he's gathered everyone together. Only Ponch's story is structured like an old scary tale campers might tell around a bonfire.
(Okay - vegetarian campers roasting veggie dogs and making S'mores out of whole grain crackers, carob and cauliflower. Talk about scary!) I was surprised that Ponch's story was the most fun to write, and delighted that Kirk performed the hell out of it. It may not be particularly scary, but the structure and tone is correct. (Snick, snick.)
So another Halloween has come and gone, marking my first anniversary writing for SideShow Lounge. I'm proud of most of my work (a few episodes I think I could have done a better job on, sorry guys) and I've enjoyed my time on the show immensely. Hopefully you have, too.
Air Date: Nov. 1, 2014
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Halloween Episode 2014
“CHILLING TALES OF HORROR”
Written by:
David Hines
BRIAN
(sighs)
Okay, let’s get this over with...
PONCH ENTERS.
PONCH
Hey, Bri. You got Igor’s note, too?
BRIAN
Yep.
SAM ENTERS. UNLIKE THE OTHERS, HE IS ENTHUSIASTIC.
SAM
Hi, guys! Igor sent you guys notes, too?
BRIAN
You mean the one that reads, “To whom it
may return – You are heretofore invited
to join me in the big fire room at 8
o’dot on the clock to celibate the castle’s
annual Halloween tradition.” And it’s
signed “Yours in Christ, Vince.”
PONCH
It’s amazing we all knew exactly who sent
it and exactly what it meant.
SAM
Do you guys know what the castle’s Halloween
tradition is? I hope it involves us getting
lots of candy!
BRIAN
Oh, that reminds me – I brought you guys
each a special bag of my homemade candy.
[SFX: PAPER RUSTLING AS BRIAN HANDS THEM BAGS OF CANDY.]
PONCH
(suspicious)
‘Homemade candy?’ That’s very kind and
thoughtful of you, Brian. And totally
out of character.
SAM
Candy! Wow! Thanks, Brian! I’m gonna eat
mine right now!
[SFX: CELLOPHANE CRINKLING AS SAM UNWRAPS CANDY AFTER CANDY.]
BRIAN
You’re welcome – SAM.
PONCH
Where’s Igor, anyway? It’s 8 o’clock.
I’ve got stuff to do.
IGOR SPEAKS UP.
IGOR
Ahem. I am here, sirs. Come inside, join
me in the big fire room!
BRIAN
You know this is actually called the
Grand Ballroom, right?
IGOR
Well that don’t make no sense. There’s
a big fire in the fireplace, but I don’t
see any balls anywhere.
PONCH
That’s because Brian’s ex-wife still has
his.
BRIAN
Watch it, you.
SAM SPEAKS, HYPER, STUFFING HIS MOUTH WITH CANDY.
SAM
What’s the big tradition you mentioned
in your note, Vince?
IGOR
Thank you for asking, Stan.
(to Brian and Ponch)
What’s that he’s cramming into his face?
BRIAN
I brought homemade candy. Here, I even
made a bag for you.
[SFX: PAPER RUSTLING AS BRIAN HANDS IGOR A BAG OF CANDY.]
IGOR
Oh, gosh, thanks there, Dr. Handsome.
That’s very smiley and generous of you.
And makes me wonder if you’ve been
replaced by a reboot.
PONCH
That’s what I said... kind of.
BRIAN
So we’re here. You mind telling us why?
IGOR
Certainly, Dr. Impatient. You see, back
when Dr. Master was alive he and I engaged
in a special tradition each and every
Halloween night. And now I would like to
continue it with all of you.
PONCH
It’s not sexual is it? Although it IS
Halloween and things are supposed to be
scary... okay, I’m in.
IGOR
Always with the sewer-mind. No, the
tradition was that Dr. Master and myself
would gather here in front of the big
fire and tell scary stories. And now
that he is gone-but-not-forgotten I
thought we could do the same thing.
SAM SPEAKS ENTHUSIASTICALLY, RACING AROUND THE ROOM.
[SFX: WE HEAR SAM’S FOOTSEPS AND VOICE FADE IN AND OUT AS HE GETS CLOSER AND FARTHER AWAY AND CLOSER AND FARTHER AWAY, ETC.]
SAM
That sounds like fun we should totally
do that whaddaya think guys should we
do that I think we should totally do that!
[SFX: SAM’S FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE AS THE OTHERS TALK.]
PONCH
I don’t know. Halloween’s kind of a special
night for me. It’s the one night of the year
where every woman dresses like a tramp, and
I want to get an eyeful. Or give one.
BRIAN
Yeah, I have a lot to do, too.
PONCH
On Halloween? What do you have that’s so
important?
BRIAN
Nothing. I just have other plans, and some
important research to conduct.
PONCH
Sorry, Igor. Maybe next year, huh?
IGOR
I thought you might say that.
(calls out)
Oh, CIS?
CIS
Yes, Vince?
IGOR
Please institute the Halloween protocol.
CIS
Of course.
[SFX: THE BALLROOM DOORS SLAM SHUT AND LOCK WITH A BOOM.]
PONCH
What the hell?
BRIAN
CIS? Override Halloween protocol.
IMMEDIATELY!
CIS
Unable to override Halloween protocol.
Cannot unlock doors until every life
form in the room has told a scary story.
PONCH
Are you kidding me?
IGOR
One scary story each. Deal?
BRIAN
Fine. Let’s just do this.
IGOR
Excellent! As you can see I’ve placed the
leather armchairs around the roaring
firehole.
SAM SPEAKS – STILL RUNNING, VOICE AND FOOTSTEPS STILL FADING IN AND OUT.
SAM
Yay this sounds like fun all of us
together on Halloween I can’t wait
does anyone have any more candy?
PONCH
What do we do about him?
IGOR
I always keep a tranquilizer gun ready
for just such freak-outs.
[SFX: IGOR FIRES TRANQUILIZER GUN, THE DART HITTING SAM.]
BRIAN
Nice shot.
IGOR
Thanks. I get a lot of practice with the
velocirapers.
BRIAN
But won’t a tranquilizer just put him to
sleep?
IGOR
Oh, no. The sleepy juice should exactly
counteract the sugar clogging up Stan’s
tubes, returning him to normal.
PONCH
So to speak.
IGOR
So to speak.
[SFX: SAM’S FOOTSTEPS SLOW DOWN AND STOP.]
SAM
I feel all woozy and dizzy and like I’m
not sure where I am.
BRIAN
Whaddaya know – it worked.
IGOR
Please pick your seat. But be sure and
wash your hands afterwards!
(laughs)
I love that joke. It’s the only one I know.
Now who would like to go first?
SILENCE. FINALLY BRIAN SPEAKS UP, EXASPERATED.
BRIAN
Fine! I’ll go! Just so we can get outta
here.
(clears throat)
Once upon a time there was a...
IGOR
Hold on a minute there, Dr. Handsome.
BRIAN
NOW what?
IGOR
CIS? Please remove the Echo Dampers.
CIS
Removing dampers.
[SFX: FROM NOW ON EVERYTHING IS ECHOEY, LIKE THEY’RE IN A LARGE, EMPTY ROOM.]
IGOR
Echo! Echo! There. See? Isn’t that better?
More scary-like.
BRIAN
Can I go now?
IGOR
Continue, Dr. Snippy.
BRIAN TELLS HIS STORY. HE BECOMES GRADUALLY MORE EXCITED AS HE PROGRESSES.
BRIAN
Once upon a time there was a mad scientist
who was obsessed with ruling the world. He
worked and toiled in his laboratory for
years to create a virus that would cause
anyone exposed to it to become his mindless
slaves! Unfortunately the scientist couldn’t
perfect an airborne version of the pathogen.
This meant he had to find a delivery system
and the opportunity to infect the entire
populace of the town in one night. That’s when
he was struck with a brilliant revelation!
Halloween was coming! The scientist labored
feverishly to inject his virus into thousands
of pieces of candy, which he handed out to all
the little children who knocked on his door. The
children, greedily gobbling down the infected
candy, instantly became his zombie minions! The
scientist then gave each child a vial of the virus
with which to infect their parents’ food. Soon the
scientist controlled the minds of everyone in the
town! Then the zombie townspeople scattered,
spreading the virus to those in the next town...
and then the next... and the next! Soon the entire
world population was under his control! No one
challenged his authority! He was king of all he
surveyed! ALL HAIL LORD BRIAN!!!
BRIAN FINISHES. A MOMENT OF UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE.
PONCH
Uh... ‘All hail Lord Brian?’
BRIAN
What? No! Not ‘Lord Brian.’ I said ‘Lord
Byron.’ The mad scientist used his powers
to teach an appreciation of 18th century
romance poetry.
(spooky voice)
Scaaaaary!
PONCH
Riiiiight. Hey, Sam – you want my bag of
candy?
SAM
Boy, yeah! Wow! Thanks, Ponch!
[SFX: PAPER RUSTLES AS PONCH GIVES SAM HIS BAG.]
BRIAN
Nice. You think it’s infected so you give
it to Sam.
PONCH
I figure it won’t have any effect on him,
since he’s already pretty much your personal
zombie minion.
BRIAN
Valid.
IGOR
Thank you for your most excellent and mildly
frightening story, Lord Brian. Posh, would
you like to go next?
PONCH
I suppose.
(sighs)
It was a cold autumn night as a traveling
salesman drove down a dusty country road...
BRIAN
Oh my God – a traveling salesman story?
Let me guess, the farmer’s daughter turns
out to have the clap.
PONCH
It’s not THAT kind of traveling salesman
story, okay? I didn’t interrupt your ‘king
of the zombies’ story.
BRIAN
Okay, okay. Sorry.
PONCH
(sighs again)
It was a cold autumn night as a traveling
salesman drove down a dusty country road.
His old jalopy, barely held together with
spit and bailing wire, coughed and gasped
and finally gave up the ghost, coasting
lifelessly to the side of the road. With
no other option the salesman grabbed his
suitcase full of samples and began walking,
using the light of the full harvest moon to
navigate his way. Growing tired he spied a
lone farm in the distance. Stumbling through
the rutted fields he approached the farmhouse
and knocked tentatively on the front door.
It was answered by a kindly old farmer, who
invited the salesman inside despite the
lateness of the hour. Though the farmer
had no telephone to call a tow truck he
offered the salesman a place to spend the
night, promising to drive him into town the
next morning. “Why not tonight?” asked the
salesman. The farmer gave him an ominous
look. “It’s best not to travel these woods
after dark,” he said grimly.
Reasoning he was hungry after his long walk,
the farmer prepared the man a plate of food –
a heaping helping of every kind of meat
imaginable. Steak, sausage, pork, ribs. The
salesman dug in, starved. He complimented the
farmer on the quality of the meal, surprised
by the unique taste of the delicious, tender,
juicy beef. The farmer just grinned. “I have
the best meat farm in the state,” he boasted.
After eating his fill the salesman began to
feel sleepy, his vision blurring. He was so
tired he fell asleep right there at the table,
his last sight the face of the farmer smiling
down at him.
Slowly waking, the salesman was surprised to
find himself chained to a wall in the farmer’s
barn. He gradually became aware of a ‘snick
snick’ sound somewhere nearby. Calling out, he
was silenced by the sight of the farmer stepping
out of the shadows, sharpening a giant butcher’s
knife on a leather strap. ‘Snick snick.’ The
salesman asked what was happening, why was he
chained to the wall? The farmer smiled a terrible
smile. “I told you I run the best meat farm in
the state.” ‘Snick snick.’ “You just never asked
WHAT KIND OF MEAT!” With that the salesman turned
to see every pen in the barn filled with people,
all staring back in terror, all chained in place.
The salesman began to scream as the farmer went
to work with his knife. First he cut off his
legs. ‘Snick snick.’ Then he sliced off both his
arms. ‘Snick snick.’ He surgically opened the
skin on his torso, exposing his ribs. ‘Snick
snick.’ He slit a hole in his abdomen, the
salesman feeling the wet unraveling of his
intestines uncoiling onto the barn floor. ‘Snick
snick.’ The last thing he saw was the crazy look
of hunger in the farmer’s eyes and the glint of
light on the blade as it was raised to his throat.
‘Snick...’
PONCH COMES TO AN ABRUPT END. A BEAT.
SAM
(crying)
Oh my God oh my God – was that guy okay?
BRIAN
No, Sam. That guy was definitely NOT okay.
SAM
He cut him all up, didn’t he? He cut him
all up into tiny little pieces!
PONCH
Yep! Tiny little pieces – JUST LIKE YOU
SAVAGES DO TO THE ANIMALS YOU EAT EVERY
SINGLE DAY!!! Ha! Chew on THAT!
SAM
(no longer crying)
Oh, so this was a vegetarian story?
BRIAN
Yes, Sam. It was a vegetarian story.
SAM
Oh. Now I’m not scared anymore. I’m
actually kinda hungry. Anyone wanna go
to Horny’s after this?
PONCH
No! You totally missed the point!!!
BRIAN
No, no – we got the point. It was a hippie
horror story. What next, a man who makes
rope from hemp and then gets hanged with
the rope for drug possession? The spine-
chilling horror of IRONY!
PONCH
Not a hippie, Brian.
IGOR
Stan? Buddy? You ready to tell your scary
story?
SAM
You guys know I don’t like spooky stuff. I
don’t know any scary stories.
IGOR
You must know one. We’re not getting out
of this room until everyone tells a story.
BRIAN
Come on, Sam. I have to hand out my candy...
I mean I WANT to hand out my candy to all
the little kids.
PONCH
And somewhere, in some bar, there’s a
repressed librarian dressed like a
Japanese schoolgirl ready to have a
night she’ll look back on with regret!
And I am that regret!
SAM
Well, I MIGHT know one...
BRIAN
Spit it out, pal. Time’s a-wastin’.
SAM
(reluctantly)
Oh-kaay.
(deep breath)
A mean lady’s father dies, and she’s all
mad because he only left her his old,
rickety, spooky mansion. But when she
hears there might be treasure inside she
goes to visit but finds out the house is
haunted by the ghost of a dead child and
three other evil ghosts who scare her away.
Then she hears about a man and his daughter
who help ghosts and make them leave places
and she gets them to come to the house to
make the ghosts go away.
When the man and his daughter get to the
mansion the dead child tries to make
friends with the daughter but then the
three evil ghosts come and ruin everything.
But then the dead child ghost and the
daughter make friends and he tells her
about how his father invented a machine
that would make ghosts back into alive
people.
Then the mean lady comes back and learns
about the alive machine and wants to use
it in bad ways, and the three evil ghosts
kill the man which makes his daughter sad.
But the dead child ghost and the daughter
fool the evil lady – did I mention she
died, too? She died, too. Anyway they fool
her and make her go away and then they let
the man use the alive machine so he can be
with his daughter again and everyone’s
happy on Halloween and even the three
evil ghosts are good ghosts now and
it all works out okay. The end.
PONCH
Um... I’m disgusted that I actually know
this, but... isn’t that the plot to the
movie Casper?
SAM
Yup! It’s the scariest movie I’ve ever
seen – that doesn’t have Transformers or
Cameron Diaz in it.
BRIAN CLAPS HIS HANDS, READY TO GO.
BRIAN
Okay! So that’s it, right? We all told
a story.
(calls out)
CIS! You can open the doors now, we’re
done!
NO RESPONSE. THE DOORS REMAIN CLOSED.
BRIAN (cont.)
CIS? You hear me? I said we’re done!
IGOR
Not quite done. I still have MY story
to tell.
BRIAN
Oh, sorry, Igor. I didn’t think...
IGOR CUTS HIM OFF, LAUNCHING INTO HIS STORY.
IGOR
There once this time was a very happy
hunchback who lived a wonderful life
with his beloved master...
BRIAN
Is this story about you, Igor?
IGOR
No, no, Dr. Handsome! This was ANOTHER
hunchback. Let’s call him... Megore.
PONCH
Subtle.
IGOR
Anyways he was very happy until his beloved
master up and died, leaving the hunchback...
BRIAN
‘Megore.’
IGOR
Yes, Megore. Who else? Leaving the hunchback
Megore in the care of three evil stepsisters.
PONCH
STEPSISTERS?
IGOR
Uh, pardon-a-mwah, but I did not constantly
stick my butt into YOUR scary stories now,
did I?
PONCH
Proceed.
IGOR
The stepsisters – did I mention they were
ugly, too? They were. So ugly. Anywho, the
stepsisters worked the hunchback mercilessly,
even shooting him full of Cupid arrows at
one point. Get it? Point? I guess I know TWO
jokes. All of this would have been hunky-
dopey with Megore except for one thing – after
all his hard work the evil stepsisters never
invited him to play in their Rainman games.
This made Megore very sad, as he never really
felt like part of the group. So one Halloween
night – a night much like this veeeery one –
Megore gathered all the stepsisters into one
room to tell spooky stories – stories veeeery
much like the ones we’re telling tonight.
PONCH
But not actually tonight. Just LIKE tonight.
BRIAN
Veeeery much like tonight.
IGOR
(affronted)
Please, gentlebens. I am not a hack!
(continuing story)
But the stepsisters didn’t want to stay –
they each had plans that didn’t include
Megore. So Megore locked them in the room
and forced them each to tell a scary tale.
Each of the ugly – I mentioned they were
ugly, right? Cuz they were. Hideously,
hideously ugly. Each of the ugly stepsisters
told a story that, in keeping with their
shellfish natures, was actually more about
THEM than anything else. When they had
finished they all wanted to rush off and do
their funtime things, never even considering
that Megore might have a story to tell. And
since Megore still had the key to the doors
they were forced to listen as he wove a tale
far into the nighttime. Hours passed, and they
found themselves hypnovated by Megore’s
previously unknown storytelling skills.
PONCH
Oh! I guess it really ISN’T about us.
IGOR
When Megore’s story finally ended, the
stepsisters looked up to see the light of
sunrise steaming through the windows.
Megore had kept them all trapped until
morning, not allowing them to venture into
the night and realize their nevarious schemes.
IGOR STOPS. A BEAT.
BRIAN
That’s it?
IGOR
That’s it.
PONCH
You aren’t gonna keep us here for hours
and hours so we can’t ‘realize our nevarious
schemes?’
IGOR
Nope. You’re free to go. Thank you for a
wonderful night.
(calls out)
CIS! You may open the doors!
CIS
Door-opening protocol engaged.
[SFX: THE DOORS UNLOCK WITH AN ECHOEY BANG. BRIAN, PONCH AND SAM STAND AND HEAD FOR THE EXIT.]
SAM
I wasn’t kidding about Horny’s. Who wants
to grab a burger?
BRIAN
I could go for a couple big, sloppy pickle
burgers.
PONCH
You guys KNOW you suck, right?
[SFX: THEY OPEN THE DOORS WITH A CREAK.]
SAM
Hey, why’s it so bright out here?
BRIAN
It’s sunlight! It’s morning! Wait a minute...
PONCH
There’s no way! We were in there, what? A
half-hour? Tops!
A BEAT. BRIAN SPEAKS TO IGOR CALMLY.
BRIAN
Igor?
IGOR
Yes, Dr. Handsome?
BRIAN
Is there something you want to tell us?
IGOR
Oh! By golly, you’re right! I forgot the most
important part – the moral of the story!
PONCH
Which is?
IGOR
Never screw with a time-traveling hunchback.
Trick or treat!
[ENDING & OUTRO.]