Air Date: October 27, 2013

 

SIDESHOW LOUNGE

Episode #09

“Satan Datin’ Ad”

Written by:

David Hines

 

OPEN: FUN, JAZZY, UPTEMPO MUSIC PLAYS THROUGHOUT.

 

NARRATOR

The dating scene can be hell. It’s

hard to meet someone who shares

your tastes, your attitudes, your

belief in a dark and malevolent entity

that controls all from his throne of

fire in the bowels of hades. It’s for

hard-working, evil-worshipping young

singles-on-the-go that we created

Satan Datin’ – the first dating service

for devil worshippers.

 

FEMALE TESTIMONIAL #1

Dating can be so hard. You think you’re

hitting it off with a guy only to have

him run screaming from your apartment

when you behead a dove and drink its

warm, sweet blood.

 

NARRATOR

Does that sound like you? If so, give

Satan Datin’ a call. You’ll fill out our

compatibility questionnaire, answering

basic questions like:
- Is your living room an altar to the Prince

of Darkness?

- Do your neighbors suspect it’s not a

coincidence all their cats have gone missing?

- Do you have a valid credit card?

 

MALE TESTIMONIAL #1

As soon as I saw her pale, white skin, her

human flesh cape, and the pentagram tattoo

on her forehead I thought, “I’m gonna

marry this girl!”

 

NARRATOR

Join today and we’ll have a list of matches

ready for you tonight! Sound too good to be

true? Of course it is – it’s Satan!

 

MALE TESTIMONIAL #3

To be honest, I was never all that into

the devil – but the girls at work seem

so stuck up that I figured, ‘What the heck,’

right? I mean, when has Satan ever steered

anybody wrong?

 

NARRATOR

For the low, one-time fee of your immortal

soul – plus $29.95 a month – we’ll have you

out of your dank basement apartment and

hooking up with someone who doesn’t care

you live in a dank basement apartment!

 

COUPLE TESTIMONIAL – FEMALE

We met a year ago through Satan Datin’.

 

COUPLE TESTIMONIAL – MALE

Now we’re married and expecting our first

child!

 

COUPLE TESTIMONIAL – FEMALE

Which we’re contractually obligated to

sacrifice to Satan.

 

COUPLE TESTIMONIAL – MALE & FEMALE

(brightly - in unison)

Hail, Satan Datin’!

 

NARRATOR

Don’t spend another night not having sex

while covered in chicken blood and feathers.

Call Satan Datin’ now. Our number is 666-
EVIL, because of course it is. Satan Datin’ –

When You’d Sell Your Soul For A Soulmate!

 

JAZZY MUSIC FADES OUT. END.