AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Ep. 15: 'DUN-DUN-DUNNNNNNN'
Confession time: I was totally winging it with this script.
Normally I make a bunch of notes, come up with a bunch of gags, map out structure and character beats, all that writer-stuff.
Fuck you - I do so!
Anyway, I wasn't feeling terribly inspired and hadn't come up with any ideas for new episodes, but really needed to turn out a script for an upcoming recording session. So I did something I hate doing - I just started writing without a clue where it would lead me.
Which is pretty much why there are multiple reveals and characters unveiling themselves as more than they initially seemed. Like in a bad mystery. Which it was... to me as I was writing.
All that stuff turned out fine, and there's lots of fun stuff along the way (including the golden nugget of revealing Ponch's secret family history - a well we've returned to time and again). But whenever I think of this episode all I can picture is me, tap dancing desperately, sweat drenching my tuxedo and running down my face.
If I have three lessons for the youth of today, they would be:
1. Stay in school.
2. Say 'no' to (most) drugs.
3. Always write a friggin' outline before starting the script.
Or get really good at tap dancing.
Air Date: Dec. 15, 2013
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Episode #015
“DUN-DUN-DUNNNNNNN!”
Written by:
David Hines
OPEN: SSL THEME
BRIAN
You’re listening to SideShow
Lounge, live on KRFYN Radio,
121.5 FM. I’m Brian Hanson,
along with Sam Wolf and Pontius
Pilates. Tonight we’re going to
take a journey to the deepest,
most fascinating parts of our
minds... which means this could
be the shortest show of all time.
[Theme music ends.]
SAM
I’m Sam Wolf.
PONCH
And I’m Pontius Pilates. Call me
“Ponch.”
BRIAN
Guys, tonight our guest is renowned
as the most powerful psychic in the
bi-state area.
PONCH
Let me guess – ‘Circus Hepatitis’ is
back in town.
SAM
Has it been a year already? Didn’t you
learn anything after your humiliating
experience last year?
BRIAN
It wasn’t humiliating. It was a simple
misunderstanding.
PONCH
You got sugar drunk on funnel cakes,
cotton candy and cherry Slurpees, and
woke up the next morning spooning the
guy who runs the Tilt-A-Whirl.
SAM
I don’t even want to know what kind of
slurpee you got from him.
BRIAN
It wasn’t like that! I thought it was
the Bearded Lady.
SAM
That makes it better?
BRIAN
Incrementally.
PONCH
Who’d you pick up this time?
BRIAN
I didn’t ‘pick anyone up.’ I saw the
most amazing display of psychic power
since Keanu Reeves decided not to do
‘Speed 2.’
PONCH
There was a ‘Speed 2?’
SAM
Yeah! It was called ‘Speed 2: Cruise
Control’ because it took place on a
cruise ship.
PONCH
A cruise ship? How fast does a cruise
ship go?
SAM
I dunno, something like 25 knots per hour.
PONCH
25 knots? How fast is that in miles?
SAM
Somewhere around 30, maybe?
BRIAN
Uh, guys...?
PONCH
Thirty? That’s not even as fast as the
bus in the first movie!
SAM
Right? And now they’re on a gigantic
boat, which is like two times slower
than the stupid bus!
BRIAN
Guys, I’m sorry I even brought it...
PONCH
So it’s like ‘Die Hard’ on a ship, except
they did that already in ‘Under Siege.’
SAM
And this is a cruise ship, so instead of
cool military dudes running around with
guns, we have a bunch of stupid tourists
milling around a buffet. The only thing
explosive is the diarrhea.
BRIAN
(yells)
GUYS!!!
PONCH
You okay, Brian?
SAM
Yeah, you look all sweaty and red. Have
you been eating sugar again?
PONCH
Oooh, better lock up your bearded daughters!
BRIAN
(sighs, regaining control)
We’ll be right back.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
BRIAN
And we’re back... on topic, hopefully.
Our guest today is The Amazing Zolotov,
who claims to be the most powerful
psychic in the world. Welcome, Zolotov.
ZOLOTOV
I knew you were going to say that.
(laughs)
Psychic humor.
PONCH
Then you should’ve known we wouldn’t
laugh.
ZOLOTOV
I did. I just didn’t care.
BRIAN
So tell me, Zolotov, how---
ZOLOTOV
Since I was three.
BRIAN
Pardon me?
ZOLOTOV
You were going to ask me how long I’ve
known I had psychic powers. Since I was
three.
BRIAN
Uh, yeah, that’s right, I was. Okay, how...
ZOLOTOV
They were terrified of me.
BRIAN
(continues)
... did your family react – didn’t even
get the whole question out. Amazing, right
guys?
SAM
Okay, I know this trick. He knows what you’re
going to ask because it’s what everybody asks.
Oooooooh! Psychic! Lemme try one. When did I---
ZOLOTOV
You don’t want me to answer this question.
SAM
(cocky)
Oh, but I do. In detail.
ZOLOTOV
(sighs)
Very well. You were thirty, she was eighty-
nine. She was on your ‘Meals on Wheels’
route, and you’d been giving her extra
helpings of mashed potatoes in an effort
to make her think you were a ‘good provider.’
One day she answered her front door wearing
only her adult diaper, and you---
SAM
Okay! Stop talking now! This has been
SideShow Lounge! Goodnight!
PONCH
Wait a minute... Mrs. Hampersand? You lost
your virginity to old Mrs. Hampersand?
When you were THIRTY?
ZOLOTOV
I would not be so quick to judge, Mr.
Pilates. Or should I say, MR. HITLER?
BRIAN
What the hell?
PONCH
(a little panicky)
‘Mr. Hitler?’ I don’t... What the... Who
do you...?
ZOLOTOV
Your family managed to escape Germany in
1945 and change their name – but that can
never change your bloodline, can it Fritz
Gunther Freiderich HITLER! Great, great
grandnephew of Adolf Hitler!
PONCH
Guys! This is crazy! It’s me, your friend –
Hitler! PONCH! I meant Ponch!
BRIAN
That explains why you can’t grow a full
moustache!
SAM
And why you’re always baking things!
BRIAN
That give people gas!
ZOLOTOV
And you, Mr. Hanson.
(low, gleeful)
You KNEW the Tilt-A-Whirl operator was
NOT the Bearded Lady!
BRIAN
Commercial! Commercial now! We’re cutting
to commercial!
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
WE RETURN TO AIR, BUT NO ONE’S PAYING ANY ATTENTION TO THE SHOW ANYMORE. ZOLOTOV SPEAKS CALMLY WHILE BRIAN, PONCH AND SAM WEEP SOFTLY.
ZOLOTOV
... October 17th, 2021, Mr. Wolf. Ironically
you will choke on an adult diaper...
SAM
No more! I don’t want to know any more!
ZOLOTOV
Mr. Hanson will meet his end on March 11,
2019 – when he is killed by Mr. Pilates!
PONCH
No! That’s not true!
BRIAN
Ponch? Why did you kill me?
PONCH
I didn’t! I wouldn’t! I haven’t!
ZOLOTOV
Oh, but you will – when Mr. Hanson threatens
to reveal your family’s true identity to
the Israeli Secret Police!
PONCH
Brian! Why did you do that?
BRIAN
I didn’t! I wouldn’t! I haven’t!
(aside, to Zolotov)
What kind of a reward are they offering?
PONCH
Brian!!!
BRIAN
I wouldn’t!!!
SAM
Why won’t you stop? We’re begging you to
stop!
ZOLOTOV
Because, Mr. Wolf – one of you has wronged
me! One of you has caused me great personal
grief and anguish. And this is my revenge!
SAM
How could we have wronged you? Hitler and I
only just met you! And Brian...
(realizes)
... Brian! You met Brian at the circus!
PONCH
What did you do, Brian? How did you hurt this
poor, sensitive, evil, terrifying man?
BRIAN
I don’t know! I only met him the other day!
ZOLOTOV
Did you, Mr. Hanson? Or have you met me
before? Under similar circumstances?
Perhaps when I was sporting... A BEARD?
BRIAN
(suddenly understands)
THE TILT-A-WHIRL OPERATOR!
THERE IS A MOMENT OF STUNNED, SHOCKED, HORRIFIED SILENCE. THEN:
SAM
Okay, THAT’S funny.
PONCH
Hilarious. Totally worth it.
BRIAN
What?!?
SAM
Zolotov – high-five.
PONCH
Up top.
[SFX: ZOLOTOV HIGH-FIVING SAM AND THEN PONCH.]
ZOLOTOV
Man! That went way better than I ever
even hoped! I’ve been planning this for
an entire year.
SAM
Nice.
BRIAN
So the whole psychic thing...?
ZOLOTOV
Amazing what you can find with a simple
Google search these days.
BRIAN
And your name’s not Zolotov?
ZOLOTOV
Please. It’s Francis. Which, if you’d
asked me last year, all this might have
been avoided.
SAM
So wait a minute. That means Ponch really
is Hitler’s grandnephew?
PONCH
(scoffs)
And my family considers ME the black sheep.
Go figure.
SAM
But how’d you know about me and...?
ZOLOTOV
Mrs. Hampersand’s family is still REALLY
pissed. There’s the matter of some medical
bills for a broken hip...?
SAM
I got a little carried away.
PONCH
Brian? Is there something YOU’D like to
tell us?
BRIAN
(deep sigh)
Fine. I like hirsute women. Happy now?
SAM
That’s it? Brian, we know you knew
Zolotov...
ZOLOTOV
Francis.
SAM
... Francis. Sorry. We know you knew
Francis was the Tilt-A-Whirl...
(realizes – all one word)
... OhmyGodFrancisasawoman.
ZOLOTOV
Ha-HA! And that’s for YOU jerks spending
a year making fun of bearded ladies!
ANOTHER MOMENT OF STUNNED, SHOCKED, HORRIFIED SILENCE. THEN:
SAM
Okay, even funnier.
PONCH
So, SO worth it.
BRIAN
I hate you all. So much for another
episode of SideShow Lounge. Or as I
will now refer to it, ‘Brian’s Weekly
Public Enema.’ I’m Brian Hanson...
PONCH
I’m Fritz Gunther Freiderich Hitler...
SAM
And I’m Sam Wolf.
BRIAN, PONCH & SAM
Goodnight!
PONCH
Actually, ‘Brian’s Weekly Public Enema?’
That’s not a terrible idea...
SAM
Ratings have been down lately.
PONCH
And you’re always saying ‘Give the people
what they want...’
BRIAN
Does anyone know the number of the Israeli
Secret Police...?
[ENDING & OUTTRO.]
