AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Ep. 41: 'Mobbed'
Okay, I'd gained my bearings a little by the time it came to write this script. The clumsy narration was a thing of the past, replaced by clumsy exposition (the obviousness of which I made jokes out of - inspired by That Mitchell and Webb Sound). And I think the final product benefitted.
In trying to wrap my head around the fact the guys now lived in a big, medieval castle I considered the ways I could exploit the cliches inherent in that setting. We'd already established that Arfyne City is populated by a bunch of insane, hyperactive reactionaries, and since castles containing hunchbacks historically (okay, fictionally) attract angry mobs it wasn't a stretch to imagine the fine residents with torches and pitchforks in their hands.
Rather than feeling limited by too many options, as I did with 'Area 52,' I had a lot of fun moving the characters around, separating them, having them communicate through walkie-talkies, phones, intercoms and security cams. For the first time I allowed myself to write somewhat cinematically, and I think my level of comfort is apparent.
But none of this would work if everyone else hadn't risen to the challenge, which they absolutely did. Jessica's editing and sound effects work made the diverse settings I'd written come alive, and the performances by the Big Three were top-of-the-line across the board. Don't just read the script to this one, go to the episode links and listen to the final show. I think it turned out great.
Air Date: August 17, 2014
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Episode #41
“MOBBED”
Written by:
David Hines
BRIAN IS RANTING, UPSET.
BRIAN
... So in ‘The Matrix’ the whole
reason the robots kept millions of
people alive in goop-wombs and created
this crazy elaborate false reality was
to make ELECTRICITY? You know, the thing
I can make just by walking across a
carpet in my socks?
PONCH SPEAKS CALMLY. HE’S HEARD THIS ALL BEFORE.
PONCH
Right...
BRIAN
I mean, I’d be more willing to accept
robots developing and breeding gigantic
cats and huge petting machines. It’s still
a ridiculously convoluted way to make
electricity, but at least you know the
cats aren’t going to stage a revolution
that leads to your inevitable downfall!
PONCH
Sure... So it’s stupid, is what you’re
saying.
BRIAN
It’s stupid, is what I’m saying.
A BEAT.
PONCH
Looks cool, though.
BRIAN
(calm, agrees)
Oh sure, it looks cool.
ANOTHER BEAT. PONCH LETS OUT A SATISFIED SIGH.
PONCH
You know, it’s a really beautiful
night up here on top of the Northwest
tower of the castle overlooking the
main gate.
BRIAN
It is, at that. You really know how to
set a scene, Ponch.
PONCH
Thanks, buddy. The way the full moon rises
over the foothills illuminating the rolling
pastures, the lush trees, the large mob of
townspeople marching down the road carrying
torches and pitchforks... Wait.
BRIAN
Yeah, what? That can’t be right.
PONCH
No, no – that’s definitely a mob, and those
are definitely torches and pitchforks...
BRIAN
I mean, I know we live in a medieval castle
formerly owned by a mad scientist, but I
never figured the townspeople for the ‘angry
mob’ type.
PONCH
Are you kidding? It’s right there on the
Arfyne City official seal. ‘Irascitur
brutis stulti congregatione.’
BRIAN
What’s that mean?
PONCH
It’s Latin for ‘Angry gathering of
irrational fools.’
BRIAN
Well THAT doesn’t bode well.
PONCH
Let me call Igor on the walkie-talkie and
see if he knows what this is all about.
[SFX: PONCH KEYS ‘TALK’ BUTTON ON WALKIE-TALKIE.]
PONCH (cont.)
Igor? Igor, do you read me?
IGOR
(over walkie-talkie)
Loud and near, Posh.
PONCH
Have you, by any chance, noticed a large
mob of angry townspeople advancing on the
castle?
IGOR
(over walkie-talkie)
Indeed I have – ‘Irritable bowel syndrome
conflagration,’ as it says on the shitty
seal.
PONCH
Should we be, I dunno, concerned?
IGOR
(over walkie-talkie)
I raised the drawbridge so we should be
snug as rug bugs... unless they have
torches and pitchforks, that is.
PONCH
They have torches and pitchforks.
IGOR
(over walkie-talkie)
Ah! Well. That is a horse with a
different collar. Perhaps you should
meet me in the castle Command Central
where we can monitor the situation
and make the preparations for the
group suicide and the whatnot. Igor,
awaaaaaaaaay...!
[SFX: DRAMATIC, SUSPENSEFUL TRANSITION MUSIC.]
PONCH
Okay, we’re all here in the Command
Center, where there’s a wall of TV
monitors showing us the outside of
the castle.
BRIAN
Again – way to establish the scene,
Ponch. It’s almost like we’re there.
PONCH
We ARE there.
BRIAN
Oh, right.
IGOR
As you can see on the monitors,
gentlemens, an angry blob of people
has surrounded the castle with their
pointy sticks and their on-fire
sticks.
(a beat)
Oh, so Igor don’t get no love for
his scene establishmenting?
BRIAN & PONCH
Oh, sorry!... Great job, Igor!... Very
vivid description...!
IGOR
Don’t patronize my establishment.
BRIAN
They seem to be yelling – can we hear
what they’re saying?
IGOR
Sure, let me just turn up the noise
dial...
[SFX: WE HEAR THE LOW RUMBLE OF THE ANGRY MOB OVER THE SPEAKERS. SOME RANDOM TOWNSPEOPLE SHOUT ABOVE THE CROWD.]
TOWNIE #1
Kill the monster!!!
TOWNIE #2
It ain’t natural, I tell ya!!!
BIG BUBBA
After the mob, come on down to Horny’s!
LITTLE SHAVER
Home of the Pickle... Bur-ger!
[SFX: IGOR TURNS DOWN THE MONITOR VOLUME.]
IGOR
Enough of THAT shameless pandering.
PONCH
“Kill the monster?” What monster?
BRIAN
Yeah, that hardly seems fair! Igor’s
just a man. Sure, he’s a freaky-looking
deformed man, but a man nonetheless.
Don’t let them hurt your feelings, buddy.
IGOR
Uh, well, it doesn’t hurt my feelers
because I am NOT the aforementioned
monster of which they holler. It DOES,
however, hurt my feelers that my good
friend Dr. Handsome just assumed I was.
BRIAN
Oh. Then who’s the monster?
IGOR
Carl.
BRIAN
Carl? Who’s Carl?
IGOR
He should be back by now.
(into intercom – echoey)
Carl? Please report to the Command
Central immediately if not slightly
after that.
PONCH
So, exactly how many people – or
whatever – live in this place?
IGOR
Well that depends. Are you referring
to just the castle or are you including
the tunnels and the catacombs and the
dungeons and the pillow forts and such
like?
PONCH
Just give me a ballpark figure.
IGOR
Oh! Well, including the ballpark I’d
say there are... oodles. But I’ve heard
the figure may rise into the gobs.
[SFX: A DOOR CREAKS OPEN.]
IGOR (cont.)
Ah! Speak of the Carl!
CARL
(calmly)
Hey.
BRIAN
Carl – hello, nice to mee -- WHAT’S
WRONG WITH HIS SKIN???
PONCH
It’s not mange is it? I have a thing
about mange! Please tell me it’s not
mange!
IGOR
Posh, Posh – get ahold of yourself in
a non-sexual way. It’s not mange. Carl
is our zombie, don’t you see.
PONCH
Oh, thank goodn -- ZOMBIE?
CARL
Hey.
BRIAN
This isn’t the ‘Robot Zombie Alpacalypse’
all over again, is it?
IGOR
God, no. And I thought we’d agreed to
never speak of that again.
PONCH
Does he eat people?
IGOR
He’s standing right there, Posh. You
can ask him.
PONCH
He can talk?
IGOR
(sighs)
It’s like speaking to a brick wall
sometimes.
PONCH
Fine. Sorry. Carl?
CARL
Hey.
PONCH
You can talk?
CARL
Sure.
PONCH
Do you eat people?
CARL
Sure.
AN AWKWARD BEAT.
PONCH
That’s it?
IGOR
I said he could talk. I didn’t say
he was a riveting conversationalist.
BRIAN
I just want to go on record as saying
I’m not sure I’m comfortable living
with a zombie roaming the castle.
PONCH
Yeah, I’ll second that. Normally the
thought of someone sneaking into my
bedroom and chowing down on my bits
doesn’t bother me, but this is taking
things a little too far.
IGOR
There won’t be any bit-chowing. Dr.
Master created a human substitute made
from tofu. He called it ‘Tof-Human.’ It’s
just as good as human flesh with half
the calories – right, Carl?
CARL
Sure.
IGOR
See?
BRIAN
I will admit Carl seems very calm for
a zombie. He hasn’t tried to eat our
brains once.
IGOR
(low, confidentially)
Well, I don’t like to give away our
secret recipe, but I can suggest
Tof-Human MAY contain a hefty
quantity of rhinoceros tranquilizer.
BRIAN
Ah! So if Carl doesn’t eat people, why
is there an angry mob outside?
IGOR
An excellent question, Dr. Handsome.
You see, today is Carl’s death day –
the anniversary of the day he became
zambonied. And every year on this day
we let him out to enjoy a dinner of
actual persons.
PONCH
Oh my God! That’s awful!
IGOR
Said the person who spent his last
birthday eating the ‘Gut Punch Platter’
at Moose Swiznieak’s Gridiron Grille.
PONCH
The ‘Gut Punch Platter’ isn’t made out
of people!
IGOR
Believe what you like.
BRIAN
So he ATE somebody? Who’d he eat?
IGOR
I can’t say for sure. I CAN say I had
an extra key to the Friendly Building
and I MAY have asked Carl to return it
to Mr. Friendly for me. You know, as
long as he was out and about.
BRIAN
He ATE Howard J. Friendly? Our former
boss?
IGOR
And the man who fired us and kicked us
out of his building? Yes, I believe
it is one and the same.
PONCH
Carl? Is this true? Did you eat Howard
J. Friendly tonight?
CARL
Sure.
BRIAN
Oh my God. Are you POSITIVE it was him?
CARL
He tasted like cheap booze, Roi-Tan
cigars and hooker sweat.
BRIAN
Sounds like him, all right.
PONCH
I hate to admit it, but I’d probably
order that sandwich.
BRIAN
So what do we do?
IGOR
This happens every year when we let
Carl out, but this is the first time
the angry blob brought actual weapons
and such. They’ve really upped their
game – usually they come armed with
sporks and glow-sticks.
[SFX: PHONE RINGS.]
BRIAN
It’s Sam calling.
PONCH
Hey, yeah – where IS Sam? Put it on
speaker.
BRIAN
Hi, Sam? Where are you? You won’t
believe what’s going on here...
SAM
(over speakerphone)
Let me guess – there’s an angry mob
outside who want to burn down the
castle and pitchfork everyone inside.
PONCH
Wow! Amazing guess, man! How’d you
figure that out?
SAM
(over speakerphone)
Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’M
STUCK OUT HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM!!!
BRIAN
What the... THERE! I see him! On Monitor
Three.
PONCH
What are you doing out there, Sam?
SAM
(over speakerphone)
I got a craving about an hour ago and
went out to get some ice cream. Next
thing I know I’m an extra in a ‘Frankenstein’
movie. Good thing I wore my lederhosen.
PONCH
Yeah, lucky break.
BRIAN
Sam, listen to me very carefully. This
is very important. What kind of ice cream
did you get?
PONCH
Are you kidding?
BRIAN
What? Ice cream sounds good.
SAM
(over speakerphone)
Uh, I got some Ben & Jerry’s ‘John Lemmon
and Cocoa Ono.’ But it’s kind of being
melted by all the torches.
PONCH
That sounds like a terrible combination.
BRIAN
Oh, it is – but people keep buying it
for some reason.
SAM
(over speakerphone)
Can you guys maybe lower the drawbridge
and let me in? These people all seem
really mad... and I don’t think any of
them have ever heard of deodorant.
IGOR
(cooing)
Oh, hey, Stan? We’re going to have to
call you back, okay honey? Try not to
get poked or inflamed, ‘kay, sweetums?
Thanks!
[SFX: IGOR DISCONNECTS THE CALL.]
BRIAN
Igor! What’d you do that for? We have
to help him.
IGOR
I may not be the smartest time-traveling
hunchback sidekick in the Bi-State Area,
but even I know that lowering the drawbridge
would be dipshittery.
PONCH
Then what are we gonna do?
IGOR
There IS one thing Dr. Master used to
do to break up angry blobs.
BRIAN
Which is?
IGOR
Release the Velocirapers.
PONCH
Don’t you mean ‘Velociraptors?’ And,
as a follow-up... WE HAVE VELOCIRAPTORS?
IGOR
Don’t be silly. No. We have Velocirapers.
Dr. Master genetically mixed dinosaur DNA
with frat-boy DNA to create a pack-hunting
predator with a raging boner who won’t
take no for an answer.
BRIAN
That sounds terrifying.
IGOR
And therefore effective.
BRIAN
How many of these... Velocirapers...
do we have, anyway?
IGOR
I’m not sure. Carl? Carl how many of
the Velocirapers would you say we have?
CARL
Six.
IGOR
(to Brian)
We have six.
BRIAN
Jesus. You really think this’ll work?
IGOR AND CARL LAUGH – CARL VERY MONOTONED.
IGOR
Oh! Oh my yes. It’ll work.
BRIAN
Well, we can’t let them set fire to the
castle. Ponch, what do you think?
PONCH
I only have one question – can we
record this security camera footage?
Because something tells me I’m gonna
want to watch this over and over.
IGOR
Carl? Can we?
CARL
Sure.
IGOR
We can.
PONCH
Then I’m in.
IGOR
All righty, then! All I have to do is
push this button, and...
[SFX: A KLAXON SOUNDS IN THE DISTANCE AS THE VELOCIRAPERS ARE RELEASED.]
BRIAN
I’m actually kind of excited about this.
PONCH
Popcorn. Next year we make popcorn.
BRIAN
Deal.
IGOR
There they are! Oooh, look at those
people run! It’s like they’ve never
seen a dinosaur with an erection before.
BRIAN
They look like dinosaurs wearing backward
baseball caps and muscle T’s.
[SFX: PHONE RINGS.]
PONCH
Who could that be?
BRIAN
It’s Sam.
(realizes)
Oh, shit! Sam!
(answers phone)
Sam! Are you okay?
SAM
(over speakerphone – of breath, running)
Uh, hey guys? I don’t know if you’re
aware of this, but there now seems to
be a herd of Bonersaurs chasing us!
BRIAN
Igor, what can he do?
IGOR
(into phone)
Stan? Hi, this is Igor. Igor Stravinsky.
You remember me, I’m sure. I’m your pal
from the radio show and all...
SAM
(over speakerphone – of breath, running)
I know who you are!!!
IGOR
Listen to me – it’s very easy to evade
the Velocirapers...
SAM
(over speakerphone – of breath, running)
WHAT ARE THEY CALLED???
IGOR
It’s more of an affectionate nickname.
Listen, they’re part frat boy, you see,
so if one corners you with a beer in
his claw all you have to do is loudly
talk about current affairs or women’s
rights and it’ll lose interest.
PONCH
He’s dead.
BRIAN
So dead.
CARL
I’ll get him.
[SFX: DOOR CREAKS OPEN AND CLOSED AS CARL EXITS.]
BRIAN
You see ‘em?
PONCH
There! Monitor Six! There’s Sam!
BRIAN
And now there’s Carl!
PONCH
And now Sam is running from Carl.
BRIAN
Oooh! Right into a tree!
PONCH
And he’s down!
BRIAN
Wait, he’s crawling!
PONCH
What’s he reaching for?
BRIAN
The bag of ice cream!
PONCH
He’s got it!
BRIAN
Now he’s hitting Carl with it!
PONCH
Look out! There’s a Velociraper!
BRIAN
Now Sam has jumped into Carl’s arms!
PONCH
Is he crying?
BRIAN
It looks like he’s crying!
PONCH
Carl just bit off the Velociraper’s
boner!
BRIAN
Now the Velociraper’s crying!
PONCH
Carl’s carrying Sam to safety!
BRIAN
Carl’s offering Sam a bite of the
Velociraper’s boner!
PONCH
Sam’s crying again!
BRIAN
Aaaand they’re offscreen.
PONCH
So, Igor – how do we get the Velocirapers
back?
IGOR
They either come back on their own, or
go on to form an investment firm on
Wall Street.
[SFX: THE DOOR CREAKS OPEN AS CARL AND SAM ENTER.]
CARL
Got him.
SAM
IS THIS A ZOMBIE???
BRIAN
Oh, yeah, Sam – turns out we have a
zombie.
CARL
Hey.
SAM
And dinosaurs! With dinoboners! And
angry mobs with torches and pitchforks!
This is insane! This is insanity! And
my ice cream is melted!!!
PONCH
Hey, on the bright side, Carl ate Howard
J. Friendly!
SAM
He ATE Mr. Friendly? THAT’S the bright
side?
PONCH
Well, A bright side.
SAM
I don’t know if I can keep doing this,
guys. I mean, dinosaurs and zombies and
eating people and DID I MENTION MY ICE
CREAM IS MELTED!
IGOR
Uh, Stan? Hi, Igor Stravinsky here. You
might remember me from such shows as...
SAM
For the last time – I know who you are!
IGOR
And apparently you feel familiar enough to
get snippy, I see. Anyway, if your ice cream
is more gazpacho than gelato, perhaps you’d
like some of this tofu-based confection that
Dr. Master used to make.
SAM
Tofu?
BRIAN
Uh, yeah! Tofu!
SAM
I don’t like tofu.
PONCH
It’s not like regular tofu, it’s
special tofu!
SAM
Why is it shaped like a foot?
CARL
It’s really good.
IGOR
Trust me. Just take a little nibble
and everything will be all better.
SAM
It does smell kind of good.
(takes a nibble)
Hey, that IS good!
CARL
Told ya.
SAM
It’s moist and meaty and... juicy...
and... has anybody else noticed that
the room seems to be spinning?
[SFX: A THUD AS SAM CRUMPLES TO THE FLOOR.]
IGOR
Rhino tranquilizer. Just like mom used
to make. Carl, can you carry Stan up to
his room?
CARL
Sure.
IGOR
And no nibbles! You’ve already had your
birthday person.
[SFX: A DRAGGING SOUND AS CARL TAKES SAM AWAY.]
BRIAN
You know, at first I didn’t think I
was gonna like it here. But lately...
PONCH
I know, right? It’s exciting.
BRIAN
So anyway, where were we? Oh, right –
‘The Matrix Reloaded.’ Okay, first off,
who wrote that crap? It’s like they just
sat down and put anything that popped
into their heads on paper!
PONCH
Right...
BRIAN AND PONCH’S VOICES FADE AS THEY LEAVE THE ROOM.
BRIAN
I mean, an underground city? Albino
reggae twins? The ‘Keymaker’ and the
‘Architect?’ Completely random! It
might as well be...
PONCH
Zombies and dinosaurs?
BRIAN
Exactly!
[SFX: DOOR CREAKS CLOSED AS THEY EXIT.]
[ENDING & OUTRO.]