AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Special Episode: 'The Envelope Please'
Years ago I had someone tell me I had the ability to "still be really funny when you're mad." I considered that a great compliment then, and still do. This script would fall into the 'funny when I'm mad' category.
Kinda.
I don't actually get 'mad' about the Oscars anymore. Because what's the point? They aren't a true barometer of quality. They're a yearly telethon for the movie business. An attempt to retain a sense of glamour in an industry that gives us endless sequels, unnecessary remakes and the continued existence of Michael Bay.
So, like I said, I don't really get angry about the Oscars anymore.
But I'd be lying if I said they didn't annoy the living fuck out of me sometimes.
Some of it has to do with the horrible phoniness of the whole process, from the ad campaigns to the voting process through to the ceremony itself. (I know, I know - getting angry at Hollywood for being phony is like getting mad at the Sun for being hot. BELIEVE ME I know.) But the majority of my annoyance comes from one question: Why CAN'T they be a barometer of quality?
I'll tell you why. Because Hollywood doesn't think their audience is stupid... they don't suspect their audience is stupid... they KNOW their audience is stupid. The Oscars are phony because you're dumb. Or at least an undiscriminating consumer. They know you don't give a rat fuck about quality, you want to see your favorites win.
And here's where the hypocritical tightrope walk begins. See, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences wants to be taken seriously. They want to be seen honoring meaningful films. But they also want people to watch their annual coming out party. This means finding those films that are considered 'prestigious' enough to represent 'Hollywood at its finest,' while still narrowing the list to films enough of the general public has either seen or heard about to provide a rooting interest in the Oscar popularity contest.
And truthfully - in comparison to other awards shows - they actually do an okay job. Want to see the nightmarish clusterfuck brought about by letting the public
vote for their favorite entertainment and entertainers? Check out the MTV Movie Awards or the Teen Choice Awards sometime. It's the difference between eating a fine steak at a fancy restaurant and scarfing down a soggy tuna sandwich you found in a urinal. So, y'know, at least it's not THAT.
There's the tag line for the next Oscars telecast! 'The Oscars - Better Than A Soggy Tuna Sandwich You Found In A Urinal!' And I guess that's the basis for my annoyance. I love movies. I've lived a lot of my life writing and making them. They're important to me. I wish on their biggest night, when they're most visible on the world stage, the best of them were treated with the respect given other great works of art... instead of just another consumer product to be sold to the lowest common denominator.
So this year I decided to channel my annual Oscar annoyance into a SideShow Lounge script. I had fun using the familiar awards show format and twisting it to my cynical desires. Why did it air 7 months after the actual Oscar ceremony? Because I screwed up. When I wrote the script, we had moved the characters from the radio station into Igor's castle - which is where I set this episode. Unfortunately I hadn't taken into account that at the time of the Oscars we were still airing episodes from BEFORE that move had been made. Whoops. And none of us caught it until after the show had been recorded. Double whoops. So we held it until it fit with our timeline and continuity.
While a few topical jokes may not be as springtime fresh as they might have been around the time of the awards ceremony (my potshots at Spike Jonze, Christian Bale and David O. Russell might require you to think back a bit), I think ultimately the episode satirizes the awards show form and attitude itself - which we're all so familiar with it doesn't matter WHEN we hear it.
I especially had fun writing for Michael's impression of John Rhys-Davies - which has quickly become one of my favorite characters. I also had fun with Igor's acceptance speech, which hits the beats of most crappy acceptance speeches: mention the surprising weight of the trophy... dedicate the award to a dead parent/mentor "who is looking down tonight"... make a self-serving and ultimately impotent political statement about the suffering of people in an impoverished nation while wearing a gown worth enough to feed them all for a year, etc. And for the record, the part of Igor's speech at the end where he totally goes off the rails and sounds like he's speaking gibberish? 90% of that is VERBATIM from Roberto Benigni's Life Is Beautiful acceptance speech (with a few snide editorial comments tossed in).
I really like the way this one turned out, in large part thanks to Jessica Conrad's editing and post-production skills - she succeeds in making it sound like a heightened version of the same awards shows we've all been watching forever. Have a listen, read the script, enjoy.
Air Date: Sept. 8, 2014
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Special Episode
“THE ENVELOPE PLEASE”
Written by:
David Hines
AN ANNOUNCER SPEAKS OVER A P.A. THERE’S A SLIGHT ECHO, THE VOICE PUMPED INTO A LARGE THEATRE/AUDITORIUM.
ANNOUNCER
To present the Oscar for Best
Performance by an Actor in a
Leading Role – you know him as
Sallah in Raiders of the Lost
Ark, Gimli in The Lord of the
Rings, and the voice of Gnarlybeard
in Scooby Doo Adventures: The
Mystery Map – John Rhys-Davies!
[SFX: AUDIENCE APPLAUSE. AN ORCHESTRA PLAYS THE FAMOUS FIRST SEVEN NOTES OF THE RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK THEME. MUSIC AND APPLAUSE TAIL OFF.]
JOHN RHYS-DAVIES
Thank you. You are too kind. Before
I present this prestigious award, I
feel I must first apologize for my
quite obvious and conspicuously
throbbing erection. As many of you
are no doubt aware, I am a spokesman
for Vigora – a combination penis
enhancer and boner pill from my good
friends at Toxichem. I took a handful
of these remarkable little pills a
couple months ago and it’s been this
way ever since. I have come to accept
it is now a part of me – as obvious as
the nose on my facelift. It simply
resists all efforts to return to a
state of relaxation. It has turned
colors I’ve never seen appear in nature.
I feel I will surely die soon.
The nominees for Best Performance by an
Actor in a Leading Role are...
[SFX: SOFT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS UNDER THE ANNOUNCEMENTS.]
JOHN RHYS-DAVIES (cont.)
In the role of an immature, emotionally
retarded sociopath who only hipsters and
online movie critics can identify with –
Joaquin Phoenix as Benedict Whimsypants
in Spike Jonze’s Man-Child.
[SFX: AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.]
JOHN RHYS-DAVIES (cont.)
An entertainment legend engages in a top
secret mission during World War II, the
details of which have only recently been
revealed – Tom Hanks as Walt Disney in
Saving Mr. Hitler.
[SFX: AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.]
JOHN RHYS-DAVIES (cont.)
As a handsome, suave and seductive hit-man
who makes murder-for-money look so wildly
entertaining that idiots find it glamorous –
Leonardo DiCaprio won’t win as Jimmy ‘The
Testicle’ Gamboolie in Martin Scorsese’s
Fuhgeddabouddit.
[SFX: AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.]
JOHN RHYS-DAVIES (cont.)
Playing a veteran returning from Iraq after
suffering a terrible wound, Christian Bale
actually had his left leg amputated below
the knee for his role in David O. Russell’s
No, Seriously, I Swear Somebody Told Me Legs
Grow Back.
[SFX: AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.]
JOHN RHYS-DAVIES (cont.)
And finally, in his first screen role, playing
himself in the autobiographical tale of his
heroic battle with physical deformity, mental
instability, and general ookie-ness – Igor
Stravinsky in Humped: A Hunchback’s Tale.
[SFX: AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.]
JOHN RHYS-DAVIES (cont.)
And the Oscar goes to...
[SFX: DRUMROLL MUSIC. THE SOUND OF AN ENVELOPE BEING FUMBLED OPEN.]
JOHN RHYS-DAVIES (cont.)
... Igor Stravinsky for Humped: A
Hunchback’s Tale!
[SFX: AUDIENCE APPLAUDS. WEIRD, DISCORDANT MUSIC PLAYS – OBVIOUSLY THE THEME FOR IGOR’S MOVIE. THE ANNOUNCER SPEAKS OVER THE P.A. AS IGOR MAKES HIS WAY TO THE STAGE.]
ANNOUNCER
This is Igor Stravinsky’s first nomination
and first Oscar win! He previously worked
as cook, janitor, and general slave labor
at KRFYN Radio in Arfyne City, where all
his former co-workers are now probably sorry
they treated him so poorly.
IGOR STEPS TO THE MICROPHONE.
IGOR
Thank you, Mr. Boner-Pants. Oooh, the
little statue-man is heavy, don’t you
know.
[SFX: AUDIENCE CHUCKLES.]
IGOR (cont.)
First I want to dedicate this trophy
to my management team over at ICBM
there. Swifty, Crafty, Noodles, B.O.,
Grumpy, Sneezy, Donner, Blitzen – I
couldn’t have done it without you
believing in me... especially when
I said the gun was loaded and I wasn’t
leaving your office without a deal.
[SFX: AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.]
I want to dedicate my triumphantness to
my former mento, Dr. Master, who could
not be here tonight due to his being
dead. But I’m sure whatever level of Hell
he’s on, he’s looking up at me proudly!
When he’s not having the hot pokers and
the pitchforks crammed up his owie places,
that is.
[SFX: AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.]
Of course while we’re here with all the
cocktail weenies and the other kinds of
weenies we must remember the starving
refugees in war-torn Middle Earth, where
things are so bad they make midgets climb
volcanos just to return jewelry. They need
to know they are not alone in their struggle
against the big flaming eyeball-vagina. I
dedicate this victory to them, so they know
we’re with them in spirit, even though if
they were here we’d never let them into the
building because no gowns.
[SFX: AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.]
This is a moment of joy and I want to kiss
everybody because you are the makers of the
joy, you see. ‘He who kisses the joy as it
flies lives in eternity sunrise,’ said the
poet or some other asshole. I would like to
kidnap everybody and lie down in the firmament
making love to everybody, because I don't know
how to express gratitude except with my penis.
This is a mountain of suavity and the kindness
is something I cannot forget, from the bottom
of my heart to the tingles in my ballsack.
Speaking of which, is there a doctor in the
house? Because my ballsack has been tingling a
lot lately and I’m thinking that it’s not a
natural thing but is something I should probably
get poked at.
[SFX: AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.]
Oh, and thanks to all my friends at KRFONE-
except-after-C back in Arfyne City there.
Without your inspiration to never see you
all again, I’d still be cleaning a moat with
a toilet brush instead of about to sex-touch
most of the members of the Academy. Thank you!
[SFX: THE AUDIENCE ERUPTS IN ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE. SOME BEGIN CHANTING ‘IGOR! IGOR!’ THE SOUND OF THE AUDIENCE GRADUALLY FADES, THE SHOUTS OF ‘IGOR’ BECOMING...]
PONCH
Igor! Igor! Igor, wake up! Are you
okay?
IGOR
(groggy, waking up)
Ooooh. Posh? What are you doing
onstage? Don’t you know John
Travolta will try and sex massage
you?
BRIAN
What are you talking about? What
stage? You fell from the parapet
while scraping bird poop off the
gargoyle of Eddie Deezen.
SAM
We thought you were a goner for
sure! Luckily you landed on your
back and your hump acted like an
air bag!
BRIAN
Sounds like you were having quite a
dream, there, buddy. Having massage
sex on a stage with John Travolta?
Pretty nuts.
PONCH
Speak for yourself.
SAM
Oh, Ponch...
PONCH
Hey! Tell me if he was dressed like
Danny Zuko you’d say no!
BRIAN
Let’s get you to your feet, Igor.
[SFX: BRIAN HELPS IGOR TO HIS FEET.]
BRIAN (cont.)
You gonna be okay, pal?
IGOR
I believe so. My ears are ringing
and my hump’s gonna be sore – plus
there’s the aforementioned ballsack
tingling – but I think I’m okay.
BRIAN
Awesome. That bird poop’s not gonna
scrape itself! Back up you go!
[SFX: BRIAN, PONCH AND SAM AD-LIB AS THEY MOVE AWAY.]
IGOR
(mutters)
I need to get me one of those Oscar mans –
I bet they scrape bird poop like no one’s
business. Oh! And some of those Vigora pills
for the everlasting bone-haver!
[SFX: IGOR BADLY HUMS THE FIRST SEVEN NOTES OF THE RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK THEME AS HE MOVES OFF.]
JOHN RHYS-DAVIES
Hello! This is John Rhys-Davies
again, to assure the members of
the Academy of Motion Picture Arts
and Sciences that we here at
SideShow Lounge have no intention
of inappropriately sex-touching
the vast majority of you. Though
if I was Sidney Poitier I’d invest a
few extra dollars in home security,
if you know what I’m saying.
I would also like to apologize to
Mr. Michael Douglas for giving him
that free bottle of Vigora – but
remind him that the skin being
pulled away from his groin will
undoubtedly tighten up his jowls.
So... y’know... there’s that.
[ENDING & OUTRO.]