AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Super Bowl Ad: 'Moose Swiznieak's Gridiron Grille'
Football! The Super Bowl! Drinkin' beer! Shoutin' at the teevee!
I hate all that shit!
I didn't used to. I used to enjoy football a lot. Enjoyed playing it as a kid. Still have a jersey or two hanging in my closet. Followed it closely.
But as the years have passed, with football culture becoming more pervasive while I've become less willing to ignore bad behavior, I've come to hate everything about it. The glorification of stupidity. The violence both on and off the field. The cover-ups by the NFL about how damaging the sport is to those who play it. And a million other irritations, both big and small.
So what can I do to strike out against what I see as an evil industry that destroys young men while treating them as replaceable pawns for the drooling entertainment of drunken masses and the further enrichment of already-wealthy business owners?
I can poke fun.
That'll show those assholes.
Air Date: Feb. 1, 2014
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Special Release
“Gridiron Grille Ad”
Written by:
David Hines
ANNOUNCER
Looking for a place to watch the big
game? Do you prefer to get blackout
drunk in public rather than the
anonymous safety of your own home?
Why not spend Super Bowl Sunday in the
company of a genuine NFL legend at
‘Moose Swiznieak’s Gridiron Grille?’
That’s right – NFL great and Arfyne City
native Moose Swiznieak has opened his
very own restaurant right on the corner
of Cherry and Galina! Isn’t that right,
Moose?
MOOSE
(a troglodyte)
Come. Eat.
ANNOUNCER
That’s your personal invitation from
Moose himself – holder of the NFL
records for most offsides penalties
and most concussions.
MOOSE
I. Moose.
ANNOUNCER
You sure are! In addition to meeting a
genuine NFL immortal, ‘Moose Swiznieak’s
Gridiron Grille’ boasts 637 big screen
TV’s – you won’t be able to escape the
game even if you want to! And you have the
Moose Swiznieak guarantee that ALL TV’s
will be mercifully placed on ‘mute’ during
the halftime show!
MOOSE
Head. Hurt.
ANNOUNCER
I’ll bet! Plus we have over 50 beers on
tap – from watered-down national brands
to goat-pissy IPO’s. Whiskey, tequila,
rum and vodka are available by the glass,
bottle or drum. Or for the genuine NFL
experience, try the ‘Swiznieak Special’ –
a liter of Jack, eight Vicodin, a fistful
of amphetamines and a syringe full of
steroids to assure that blind, chaotic rage
you’ll need to make it through all four
quarters!
And if your real or fantasy team loses, or
you’re simply overcome by the realization
your life won’t have meaning again until
next September, our waitresses know how to
take a punch and keep quiet about it!
MOOSE
Food. Good.
ANNOUNCER
That’s right, Moose! We haven’t even mentioned
the great grub prepared by our master chefs!
From nachos and chicken wings, to chicken wings
covered in nachos, there’s something for every
taste! And be sure to try the ‘Moose Meal’:
Cracked pepper beefsteak, scrambled eggs, and
all of it battered within an inch of its life!
‘Moose Swiznieak’s Gridiron Grille’ – the only
place in town where you can watch the big game
with an NFL legend! Like Moose says every day,
“I. Moose. Come. Eat. Food. Good. Head. Hurt.”
Reserve a table now!
MOOSE
Kill. Me.
