AUTHOR - SCREENWRITER - HUMORIST - GRUMP
DAVID HINES
Valentine's Day Special: 'Stupid Cupid'
Let's be honest, Valentine's Day kind of sucks. It shouldn't, but it does.
A day celebrating love sounds awesome, right? And maybe, once upon a time, it was. But now it's just this pressure-filled, anxiety-inducing powderkeg of expectations - both met and dashed - that's less about celebrating love than it is getting through the day unscathed.
Why do we put ourselves through this? Because society tells us to. Card companies tell us to. Candy companies tell us to. Retailers tell us to. People who sell those weird, genetically-gigantified chocolate-covered strawberries tell us to. (Those cause cancer, right? I mean, they've got to. Just look at 'em. That's not normal.)
But even though Valentine's Day has been corrupted and co-opted and commercialized (Christ, I sound like Linus in the pumpkin patch at Halloween), it's still a really good idea to celebrate love. Because love's great! Have you ever been in love? Are you in love right now? It's, like, the best feeling ever! It SHOULD be celebrated! It kicks ass!
So I think we should take back Valentine's Day. I think we should celebrate love not because it's an obligation, but because it's a privilege. It's the greatest thing we get to experience in our short time here.
But how do we do that? How do we overcome such powerful forces as those that currently control Valentine's Day?
Maybe it's time for a change at the top.
Maybe it's time for a new Cupid.
Air Date: Feb. 9, 2014
SIDESHOW LOUNGE
Valentine’s Day Special
“STUPID CUPID”
Written by:
David Hines
OPEN: SSL THEME
BRIAN
You’re listening to SideShow
Lounge, live on KRFYN Radio,
121.5 FM. I’m Brian Hanson,
along with Sam Wolf and Pontius
Pilates. It’s Valentine’s Day
and love is in the air – but you
should be able to get rid of it
with a few quick sprays of Lysol.
[Theme music ends.]
PONCH
I’m Pontius Pilates. Call me “Ponch.”
SAM
And I’m Sam Wolf.
BRIAN
Like I said, Valentine’s Day is coming
up – do you guys have any romantic
plans?
SAM
Well, Linda and I like to stay in. I
cook dinner, she pretends to like it,
and then we snuggle up all cozy-like
on the sofa and watch our favorite
Valentine’s Day movie – ‘The Silence
of the Lambs.’
BRIAN
‘Silence of the Lambs’ is your big
romantic movie?
SAM
Yes – it’s the heartwarming story of
how even fat girls can find someone
who will appreciate them for who they
are.
PONCH
And then peel them alive to make a
skin-suit out of them.
SAM
Love expresses itself in unpredictable
ways, Pontius.
BRIAN
Ponch, what’re your big Valentine’s
plans?
PONCH
I like to go downtown and hang out
around the bars. There are always
tons of guys who screw up on Valentine’s
Day, and I’m there to scrape up the
leftovers.
BRIAN
How romantic.
PONCH
Hey, hate-sex can be pretty hot when
you’re not the one they hate.
SAM
What do you and the missus have planned,
Brian?
BRIAN
Something pretty much exactly halfway
between what you guys have planned.
SAM
(in unison)
That’s beautiful!
PONCH
(in unison)
I’m so sorry.
BRIAN
Exactly. We’ll be right back.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
BRIAN
We’re back in the SideShow Lounge,
where tonight...
[SFX: A ‘POP’ LIKE A CORK LEAVING A CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE.]
BRIAN (cont.)
... What the hell?
CUPID
Hello, gentlemen! It is I – Cupid!
Winged emissary of love!
PONCH
Seriously – we have GOT to get a
better lock on the door.
SAM
Wow! Are you really Cupid?
CUPID
Indeed I am, Sam Wolf! My mother is Venus,
the Goddess of Love! My father is...
complicated. I’m here because I heard
your plans for Valentine’s Day and felt
there was an opportunity to be had.
PONCH
Are we really buying this?
SAM
He looks like Cupid.
BRIAN
Yeah, he’s got the wings, the bow and
arrows, the diaper...
CUPID
It’s not a diaper.
PONCH
It sure looks like a diaper.
CUPID
Well it’s not.
BRIAN
What is it, then?
CUPID
It’s more like a loincloth.
PONCH
No it’s not! Tarzan wears a loincloth.
THAT’S a diaper.
CUPID
Well, I don’t USE it like a diaper.
PONCH
Says you.
CUPID
Can we move on, please?
BRIAN
No, Ponch is right. I’m gonna need to
see some proof you’re really who you
say you are.
CUPID
Appearing out of thin air wasn’t
enough?
PONCH
Not in this studio.
CUPID
Fine. Is there someone here I can
shoot with an arrow?
BRIAN
Hang on.
[SFX: BUTTON PRESSED AS BRIAN SPEAKS INTO INTERCOM.]
BRIAN (cont.)
Igor? Igor could you come in here
a moment?
PONCH
Oh, this is gonna be good.
[SFX: DOOR OPENS AS IGOR ENTERS.]
IGOR
Yes, Dr. Handsome? You called on the
wall-talking box?
BRIAN
Yeah. Stand still a minute, willya?
(to Cupid)
The floor is yours, Mr. Cupid.
CUPID
Thank you.
IGOR
May I inquire, just for my personal
edification, as it were, why the
diaper baby-man is pointing his bow
and arrow at me?
[SFX: A BOW CREAKS AS IT’S DRAWN BACK. THERE IS THE TWANG OF AN ARROW BEING FIRED, AND THE THUD AS IT HITS ITS TARGET.]
IGOR
Ow! For the sake of argument.
PONCH
Ooh! Right in the hump.
BRIAN
Igor – do you feel anything?
IGOR
Other than the arrow sticking out
of my back and the intense feeling
of betrayal on the part of my
co-workers, do you mean? No, no, I...
hold on... wait a minute...
CUPID
Here we go.
IGOR
(softly, seductively)
Say there, Posh, have I ever told
you how your eyes are like Incredible
Mr. Limpet pools, your lips are
like two rubbery mostly unused
condoms and your skin would be
excellent for the peeling off and the
making a suit out of? Can’t you see
what I’m telling you? I love you.
PONCH
What the hell?
CUPID
I shot him with one of my golden-
tipped arrows. As a result he fell in
love with the first person he saw.
Congratulations.
IGOR
I’ve always wanted a June wedding,
so you’ll have to change your name
to June. And of course we’ll have
children – I want 46 because I have
a lot of chores that I don’t like
doing, you see. And of course there’ll
be simply tons of ear-hole sex...
PONCH
Okay, okay – I believe you! You’re
Cupid! Now make him stop!
CUPID
Are you sure? You make a lovely
couple.
IGOR
Have I mentioned I have terrible
AIDS? Oh, no, wait – I AM a terrible
aide. I get those confused I think.
PONCH
Yes! Do it!
CUPID
Okey-doke.
[SFX: A BOW CREAKS AS IT’S DRAWN BACK. THERE IS THE TWANG OF AN ARROW BEING FIRED, AND THE THUD AS IT HITS ITS TARGET.]
BRIAN
Ooh! Right in the crotch! Igor, are
you okay?
IGOR
(as though emerging from a trance)
Yes, yes, I believe so. I would be
very interested to know why I have
an arrow sticking out of my no-no
place – not that it doesn’t create
a bold statement, mind you, but
I find the stinging to be a little,
oh what’s the word, hurty.
BRIAN
Why don’t you take the rest of the
day off and go get those... removed.
IGOR
I believe I will, Dr. Handsome. And
have I mentioned lately how very much
I enjoy working here with you fine
gentlemen?
BRIAN
No, you haven’t.
IGOR
Good.
[SFX: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES AS IGOR EXITS.]
PONCH
That was close. What was in that
second arrow?
SAM
Does it matter? He shot him in the
junk.
CUPID
It was a lead-tipped arrow. Golden
arrows cause love, leaden arrows
cause revulsion. Aiming for the
crotch only quickens the effect.
BRIAN
So, okay – you’re Cupid. I assume
you’re here to tell us how great
Valentine’s Day is?
CUPID
Are you kidding? Valentine’s Day
stinks.
SAM
That’s not true! Valentine’s Day is
the best day of the year!
CUPID
Bull-SHIT. Everyone HATES Valentine’s
Day. No, I take it back – you know who
likes Valentine’s Day? Pretty young
girls from age six to eighteen. They
get all the cards, all the flowers, all
the candy. There’s no pressure – it all
comes to them. For everyone else it
sucks.
BRIAN
That’s Cupid, ladies and gentlemen – self-
described winged emissary of love. We’ll
return with more romantic declarations
after these messages...
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
BRIAN
We’re back with a surprisingly bitter
Cupid. I’ve gotta say, you sound like
every pissed off guy who ever got dumped
by a woman. Is there something you’d
like to tell us?
CUPID
(sighs)
Yeah, you’re right. I’m coming off kind
of a rough break-up with the Tooth Fairy.
PONCH
The Tooth Fairy is real?
CUPID
Really? You’re sitting here talking to
Cupid and you’re surprised the Tooth
Fairy is real?
PONCH
But I know when I was a kid my parents
would put money under my pillow when I
lost a tooth. I saw them.
CUPID
Yeah, that’s why the Tooth Fairy is so
rich! No one believes in her, so when
she makes her rounds 90% of the time
parents have already left money. So she
pockets the cash she was GOING to leave,
does a little creative bookkeeping and
presto – she brings in at least $2 billion
a year.
PONCH
Two BILLION?
CUPID
Billion. With a ‘B.’ And she doesn’t pay
taxes because, hey, the Tooth Fairy
doesn’t exist, right? It’s brilliant. She
lives in a gigantic mansion. Granted, it’s
made out of baby teeth, so it’s a little
disturbing. Plus the smell is NOT to be
believed. Still, $2 billion a year buys a
lot of Febreeze.
BRIAN
So because you and the Tooth Fairy broke
up, now you don’t believe in true love
and romance?
CUPID
Love is an illusion. Love is fleeting. Love
is a con job designed to sell cards and candies
and big weddings and Katherine Heigl movies.
Love is the worst.
BRIAN
Uh... okay. Not what I expected from the
emissary of love. Sam, is there anything
you’d like to ask Cupid? You’ve been
unusually quiet.
SAM
I think Cupid here is full of crap.
BRIAN
You what now?
SAM
He’s full of it. Love isn’t the worst.
Sure, it’s hard to find, and even harder
to keep alive. But if it was easy it
wouldn’t be so special. The fact that
it’s a challenge is what makes it so
wondrous. And when you do find it? It’s
the greatest thing in the world.
CUPID
Perfect.
BRIAN
What?
CUPID
That’s exactly what I wanted to hear.
I’ve been searching the world over for
someone who believed in true love – the
last great romantic. And I’ve finally
found him.
PONCH
Sam? Sam’s the last true romantic? You’ve
gotta be kidding!
CUPID
Said the guy who plans to spend Valentine’s
Day having hate sex with heartbroken
women.
PONCH
Well, when you put it that way... Trust
me, it’s more romantic than it sounds.
CUPID
No, it’s not. You see, I’ve been offered
a promotion to be the Baby New Year, and
I’m gonna take it.
BRIAN
The Baby New Year? With the sash and
the little top hat? Hanging out with
Father Time?
CUPID
Yeah – it’s a great gig. I can keep
running around like an idiot 365 days
a year, or work ONE day a year. It’s
no contest.
SAM
Isn’t there a new Baby New Year every
year?
CUPID
Not with our union. It’s all about job
security. Merle’s been Father Time since,
shit, the beginning of time.
PONCH
What’s happening to the old Baby New
Year?
CUPID
Phil? He just got bored, wanted to move
on. Gonna focus on his work as an artists
model. He’s always made some extra cash on
the side posing as Baby Jesus. Has his own
halo, manger, the whole bit.
SAM
So what’s all this got to do with me?
CUPID
Sam – I’m here to make you an offer. I
want you to take my place as Cupid.
PONCH
You’ve got to be shitting me.
SAM
Me? How would I be Cupid? I failed
archery in junior high! I wouldn’t
even know what to do.
CUPID
You’re perfect for the job. You believe
in love so deeply that you’ll call out
Cupid himself for not believing strongly
enough.
SAM
I don’t know if I can...
CUPID
Are you sure? The benefits are amazing.
SAM
Full health and dental?
CUPID
Immortality.
SAM
Oh, that IS good. Brian, can the station
match that?
BRIAN
Uh – no.
CUPID
What do you say, Sam?
SAM
I say okay! I say why not! I can’t wait
to tell Linda – this will be the best
Valentine’s Day ever!
CUPID
Hold on – you can’t tell your girlfriend,
and you can’t bring her with you. It’s
the one catch with the job. You bring love
to others, but you can’t be in love
yourself.
BRIAN
But what about you and the Tooth Fairy?
CUPID
Why do you think we broke up? Well, that
and the house made out of baby teeth. I
mean, try and imagine that, and I guarantee
it’s ten times creepier than anything you’ve
got in your head.
SAM
So if I go with you I can never be
in love?
CUPID
That’s the deal.
SAM
Then my answer’s no.
PONCH
NO? He just offered you immortality,
man! The chance to live forever!
SAM
I know. But what good is living forever
if you can never experience love? Sorry,
Mr. Cupid, but I’m going to have to tell
you to fuck off.
CUPID
Fair enough, Sam. I respect your decision.
I’m not thrilled about the whole ‘fuck off’
part, but I get it.
(sighs)
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for
dinner with my mom and her husband, Vulcan.
Awkward, it’s so-oo awkward.
[SFX: A ‘POP’ LIKE A CORK LEAVING A CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE AS CUPID VANISHES.]
SAM
(brightly)
Well you don’t see that every day,
eh guys?
BRIAN
Sam, did you really mean all the things
you said?
SAM
Every word, Brian.
PONCH
That was actually kind of... beautiful.
SAM
Thanks, Ponch.
(a beat)
Plus I look terrible in a diaper. Here, I
have a photo in my wallet, I’ll show you.
BRIAN
And with that I’m Brian Hanson...
PONCH
I’m Pontius Pilates...
SAM
And I’m Sam Wolf... cowards.
ALL
Happy Valentine’s Day, and goodnight!
[ENDING & OUTTRO.]