I Do Believe I Don't Believe

Religion, and the belief or disbelief in one or more deities is, as always, a lightning rod for controversy, debate and uncomfortable Thanksgiving dinners. Grandma insists on praying over the turkey, the grandkids scoff and roll their eyes, and mom and dad count the hours until everyone’s planes leave in the morning.

People always like to perversely imagine they live in the worst possible historical moment, making claims that these are the hardest times to be a such-and-such. Religious believers and non-believers both feel picked on and singled out in this contentious, social media-driven age, the object of constant raging ridicule from those who disagree. I’m pretty sure the victims of the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition and the Nazi Holocaust (to name just three) would disagree about this current level of hardship – had they been allowed to disagree.

I watch this battle from the sidelines, amused and revolted in equal measure. For people arguing over the high road, it’s amazing how few actually take it. Why am I on the sidelines, you ask? Simple – I am neither believer nor disbeliever.

I am agnostic.

In other words, I am the one thing the reverent and the atheists can agree upon. To both I am a fence-straddler, bet-hedger, a wet dishrag. I am a spineless coward who refuses to take a stand rather than ‘get in the game’ or ‘pick a side.’ I am the conscientious objector in the Holy War.

It is to these critics I offer a well-thought-out, reasonable, measured response: Fuck off.

In all honesty, those who want me to ‘pick a side’ don’t want me to pick a side. They want me to pick their side. They see me as wobbling on a tightrope, where the slightest push could send me toppling one way or the other. They believe I haven't seen the light (or absence of it) only because I lack their conviction, their rigorous examination of the issues at hand.

To this may I re-offer my previous well-thought-out, reasonable, measured response.

I’m agnostic because I’ve made a rigorous examination of the issues at hand. And I’m as firm in my agnosticism as the followers of any other belief system. Except maybe Harry Potter and Star Wars fans – they may have us all beat. (Literally, if their numbers grow strong enough and we continue to make fun of them.)

Here’s the Cliff’s Notes version of what I do and don’t believe. I don’t believe in an all-knowing, all-seeing, all-caring God. I don’t think there’s a shred of historical or scientific evidence that points to the existence of a God that gives even the slightest crap about us as individuals. I think Heaven and Hell are constructs created eons ago by very smart people to keep very stupid and violent people in line – and since they couldn’t physically keep them in line on Earth, they created mythical lands where they would be rewarded or punished for their actions after death, for eternity. I may think it’s all nonsense, but I also think it’s brilliant.

Because I don’t believe in a magical father figure in the sky it stands to reason I don’t think asking him for things – no matter how nicely or how much ass you kiss – has the slightest effect. Answered prayers are called ‘coincidences,’ and unanswered prayers are called ‘life.’ I’m also not big on organizations, don’t much like to join in, and have more than my fair share of social anxiety disorder – so belonging to a church is OUT. As is following any set religion.

On the other hand, I have no idea how the universe works. While I may not believe in a conscious, loving, when-you-saw-one-set-of-footprints-is-when-I-carried-you God, I’m not prepared to reject the notion of God as a natural force. I suppose in this way I’m closer to being a pantheist (as was Albert Einstein), but I’m not prepared to embrace their certainties of an intelligent influence either. The mysteries of the universe are so vast and unknowable that to express any conviction at all about its spiritual component or metaphysical nature is like building a house on quicksand – you’re gonna have issues with the foundation.

That’s the reason I’m agnostic – I don’t know how any of this works. And you don’t, either. You may possess complete faith or complete lack of faith, but the fact remains neither believers or non-believers have a shred of evidence to back their claims. I find Bible-thumpers (and Torah-thumpers, and Quran-thumpers, and Dianetics-thumpers and whatever-thumpers) to be as arrogant in their certainty as I do Dawkins, Hitchens and Harris-thumpers in theirs. Faith (and in this case even lack-of-faith is a form of faith) is a fine and hopeful thing – but it’s not fact. And neither side, regardless of their claims, has absolute facts on their side.

It’s for that reason I refuse to ‘pick a side.’ Because through a lifetime of observation, consideration and study I don’t believe either have the answers. More to the point, I don’t think they, or anyone, can know the unknowable. In 1996 Carl Sagan rejected the label of atheism by saying, “An atheist is someone who has compelling evidence that there is no Judeo-Christian-Islamic God. I am not that wise, but neither do I consider there to be anything approaching adequate evidence for such a god. Why are you in such a hurry to make up your mind? Why not simply wait until there is compelling evidence?”

So it is that I’ve made the choice to be an agnostic. I’m not wobbling on a tightrope or straddling a fence. I’m not hedging bets or hoping to fool God on a technicality. I’m comfortably in place, secure in my feelings, firm in my particular beliefs. I’m willing to wait for Dr. Sagan’s “compelling evidence.”

As a result, I’m also willing to utter the truth neither the pious nor secular seem able to admit: I don’t know the answers, and have no trouble confessing it.

I am agnostic. Hear me shrug.

#agnostic #religion